Steve is the founder and chairman of Men’s Leadership Ministries in Bryan/College Station, Texas, and brings his message to thousands of men each year. He holds a master’s degree from Western Seminary and an earned doctorate from Dallas Theological Seminary.

Here’s the conversation we had with Steve about men and marriage:

Marry Well: We were intrigued by a CDC study [1] in which men were more likely than women to say that it’s better to get married than to spend the rest of your life single. What do you think it is about marriage that men are drawn to?

Steve: It’s not good for the man to be alone. Down in their guts many men realize that there is more to life than self-fulfillment. Unless a guy has the gift of celibacy, it is a God-given desire for him to find a woman that he will go through life with. He is stronger with her than without her. She fits and complements him. I think godly, masculine men want to find a wife, have kids, and get after life. We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we might walk in them. Finding a godly woman, having a bunch of kids, doing your work to the glory of God and finishing strong are all a part of those good works that God prepared beforehand. Then you die and go to heaven and it gets even better.

MW: But even while marriage is a draw for men, we also see a lot of caution and reluctance. What do you see driving that?

Steve: Guys don’t want to screw up. Some of them come from divorced homes and don’t want to ever repeat that. Some are afraid of commitment for a number of reasons–maybe the fear of failure. To those guys I say when you find a godly woman who “gets” you, marry that woman. And when you get married, burn your ships. When Cortez landed in Mexico, his men looked back at the harbor and saw smoke. Cortez had burned the ships and there was no going back. When you burn your ships, divorce is not an option. You just keep moving ahead and working stuff out. If you are reluctant to burn your ships, you are not ready to get married.

MW: How significant is the process of finding and committing to a wife in a man’s spiritual journey?

Steve:I think it’s a big deal. It means you are taking a huge responsibility that you will never walk away from. It will teach you to become a spiritual leader and a servant. It will help you become less selfish and more mature. And it will certainly reveal to you how teachable you are. If you’re not teachable, you will never grow–as a man, a husband, a father or as a Christian.

MW: What do you recommend for the man who hopes to end up in a good marriage, but hasn’t seen any good models in his own life?

Steve: This question puts me in the very uncomfortable spot of recommending my own book. For the man who is lacking in male role models, I would suggest that he read Point Man: How A Man Can Lead A Family. Although I wrote the book, the real author of the book was my dad, Jim Farrar. I just watched him and wrote it all down. My dad died one year ago today at the age of 85. I am grateful for his leadership. Paul said, “you follow me as I follow Christ.” That’s what my dad did for me. I simply pass it all along to other guys in Point Man. And one more thing–when you find a man who is a strong godly role model, just hand around the guy and watch the guy. And then do what he does.

MW: Great advice.

Note:
[1] In a CDC study (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_026.pdf) in May 2006, more men than women agreed with the statement “it’s better to get married than to go through life being single” (Tables 37 and 38 of the study show that 66% of men agreed or strongly agreed with this statement compared to only 50.6% of women. Among those raised Fundamentalist Protestant, the combined agrees and strongly agrees represented 68.4% of men but only 59% of women).

Here on Marry Well, we like to go against the current of Christian counsel that would have you suppress or ignore your God-given desire for marriage. We believe that most Christian singles should live intentionally toward marriage and stop pretending that being content will produce a spouse.

But as with all ‘not-yet’ fulfilled desires in life, there is a healthy balance between desiring something and allowing it to become an idol.

A long-time single friend updated her Facebook page with a link to this blog by Libby Cannizzaro who writes about her journey to find that balance. She begins,

“If you want anything else in life more than entering into the beauty of the relationship of the Trinity, then you haven’t seen or understood its beauty.” Those were the words I heard Dr. Larry Crabb speak the first morning of his School of Spiritual Direction that I attended several years ago. Those words stung as I reflected on my journey at the time of struggling to trust God with my life as a single woman in my early forties. I thought of the things I wanted so deeply – companionship, intimacy, and connection with another – and how the pain of not experiencing these at times consumed me with overwhelming pain and fear. As Dr. Crabb spoke, I knew immediately that I must not really be experiencing and enjoying that (community with the Trinity), otherwise this (the journey of being single) wouldn’t be so painfully paralyzing and consuming. I had a sense that I was in for a transforming week as I had a glimpse of moving toward a deeper understanding of God that would move me through the pain.

Here are four principles Libby learned to help her “live more fully in [her] singleness”:

1) Be aware of two lies that come from the enemy:  either a) “I’m blowing it,” or b) “God is holding out on me.”

2) Stay soft – move toward intimacy in the way you relate to God and others.

3) Give your life away in community and ministry and be other-centered.

4) Live in the larger Story. … Don’t live in a smaller story (“I’m not married”)

I encourage you to read the full context of these principles and consider how living them might help you “live in the larger story” of your singleness.