Unbiblical Singleness
Is singleness really a “gift”?
Debbie Maken begins her Boundless article “Rethinking the Gift of Singleness” with this thought-provoking question. Today’s singles have had their marital status spiritualized, but Maken, an attorney-turned-homemaker, doesn’t pull any punches as she debunks some cultural misconceptions about this supposed “gift”. In one passage, she writes:
Why are Christians today so apt to validate a lifestyle that in the past would have been considered wayward and askew? To borrow a phrase from C.S. Lewis, our own “chronological snobbery” may make us believe that somehow we know more today than those who preceded us. However, our contemporary belief that Scripture validates singleness en masse is a modern invention that has sprouted only in this generation.
The ease of flattery and our alliance with pop culture has produced a language of holy doublespeak where adult singleness is thought of as acceptable, even biblical. Instead of placing this modern phenomenon of protracted singleness under Scripture for scrutiny, we have done the exact opposite — we have made Scripture the handmaiden to the phenomenon. 1 Corinthians 7, anyone? Instead of viewing Scripture as a whole and acknowledging that out of the thousands of characters, only a handful were single, we like to take parts out of context and argue that it gives us cover.
Past Christians also read 1 Corinthians 7, and they understood that Paul was writing at a time of “great distress,” referring to the famine in the Greek countryside and the percolating persecutions taking place at the time. Because of these threatening circumstances, Paul advised that marriage could temporarily be placed on the back-burner. They understood that letter to convey expediency, nothing more.
Paul never held marriage and singleness to be on equal planes, and neither did past Christians. Paul acknowledged celibacy (i.e., the supernatural removal of sexual desire) as a God-given gift. He acknowledged that the celibate could be single, but that the single could not necessarily be celibate and therefore prescribed marriage.
Contemporary Christian teaching on this subject blurs the line between celibacy and singleness and leaves singles mistakenly believing that the two are the same. God is often painted as capriciously willing singleness for some and not others. Consequently and sadly, many Christian singles resign themselves to this less-than-ideal state. A more thoughtful and critical examination reveals that today’s singleness is not some sort of divinely ordained, interminable state for a quarter of the population, but the result of a string of systematic impediments to marriage.
Maken’s entire article is very worth reading.
What do you think of Maken’s take on singleness? How can we counter the current Christian culture’s condoning of delayed marriage?
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I’ve been reading through Tim Keller’s book The Meaning of Marriage. It is excellent, and I highly recommend it. I am profiting from what he writes about marriage, but here are some things he writes regarding singleness:
The New Testament writers, in a way that startled the pagan world, lifted up long-term singleness as a legitimate way to live. In other words, the Biblical authors’ teaching constantly challenged their own cultures’ beliefs. (17)
Paul’s assessment in 1 Corinthians 7 is that singleness is a good condition blessed by God, and in many circumstances, it is actually better than marriage. (187)
The Christian church in the West, unfortunately, does not seem to have maintained its grasp on the goodness of singleness. Instead it has labeled it “Plan B for the Christian life.” (196)
The Christian perspective on singleness is almost unique. Unlike traditional societies, Christianity sees singleness as good because the kingdom of God provides the most lasting possible legacy and heirs. Unlike sex-and-romance-saturated Western society, Christians see singleness as good because our union with God fulfills our deepest longings. (201)
A former pastor of mine, Mark Dever, writes the following in his book 12 Challenges Churches Face, an exposition of 1 Corinthians. I recommend it as a good counterpoint to Debbie Maken’s interpretation.
Both marriage and singleness are God’s gift through his Spirit for the building up of his church (cf. Matt. 19:12). Paul indicates both here and in verse 8 that it is good for the unmarried to remain unmarried. (70)
To the single folks, Paul was essentially saying, at least to some of them, “Don’t get married.”
There are some who say that the only people who are called to singleness are those who have no sexual desires, but that is not quite what Paul seems to be saying here. Though there are people who have no sexual desire, or extremely low levels of it, Paul has already mentioned (v. 9) that many single people do have such desires that must be controlled. Sexual desires alone are not a call to marriage. (71)
In my congregation, we mean to honor singleness. We want to help our members think about using their singleness well. (74)
This is an outstanding article.
I can’t say with certainty, but I think most single, young Christian men deal with their sexual desires in sinful ways. The statistic about pornography use among Christian men certainly illustrates this. I agree that singleness is a Biblical gift and is not a lesser calling than marriage, to be sure. That said, I think most young Christians forgo or delay marriage for selfish rather than spiritual reasons these days, and it has created a cauldron of sin and compromise among young Christian men (and probably women too.)
One more thing – sexual desire is absolutely a valid BIblical reason for seeking marriage. It’s certainly not THE reason (and shouldn’t be) but it ranks high on the list. There mere fact that Paul gives marriage as a reason “to avoid fornication” is an acknowledgment that fornication and other sexual sin is a very real temptation for singles. It’s not theoretical at all, and so marriage is offered as the solution for it.
I long to break this string of impediments. But as a woman, I’m not sure what my role is, except to continue to put my hope in the Lord, resting in the fact that He knows the desires of my heart. I don’t think I have this “gift of singleness” because the desire to be married is stronger. I want to be a part of the solution, and not a part of the problem. I’m not sure what else I need to do except keep my heart tuned to the Lord. But meanwhile, since I’m not married, I often wonder if parts of me are an impediment to marriage.
Good article! One way of countering the current Christian culture’s condoning of delayed marriage would be to get married!
Debbie makes some good points but completely misses the big picture in that there are many obstacles to men marrying as well that can’t just be ignored.
Firstly, we have to be selective too. Many women, including those in church have “been around the block” so to speak and the habits they’ve acquired by doing so aren’t so easily unlearned. Kudos to them if they’re looking to repent and start anew, but a man still has to screen out the ones who are more likely to cuckold him just a few years in.
Second, so many women, especially those in church, have way too high expectations of men. It’s called “hypergamy,” wanting the best guy there is to offer, which isn’t bad in the strictest sense. Quality is good. But so many church girls are ultra-hypergamous, where they’ll have a decent, well-groomed, well-spoken, handsome guy interested in them, and they snub him, often rudely. Many, dare I say, most churches, especially evangelical ones, reinforce this by teaching women from childhood that God has “the perfect man for them who will be revealed in His perfect time because she is His perfect little princess.” If you think I’m kidding I know of a church in north Dallas that had a young ladies retreat called “pampered in His presence.” Newsflash: there are no perfect men. Narcissistic entitlement is. Not. Attractive.
And a quick side note on Debbie’s comment that men now have an “unfettered access to women.” That’s complete balderdash. She’s referring to the 15-20% of men that are the player type, whereas at least 70-80% of men are the responsible, dependable, willing to commit sort. But they’re also the quick to defer, kinda boring sort as well, so they get over-looked because she just “doesn’t want to settle” and has to “have it all.”
There’s more but that’s good for a start…
CSLewisFan77 – I had to say a hearty “amen” to your second point (though I agreed with everything you said.) I’m absolutely convinced that the majority of Christian women have completely unrealistic expectations for what they desire in a man. Anything short of Tim Tebow is completely unacceptable. Men are often accused of having unrealistic expectations, when in fact I’m firmly convinced it’s women who are most guilty of this.
I fear they they will hold out for so long until it’s too late and they are alone and unmarried late in life – save for a household full of cats. Ladies, don’t let this happen to you! It’s good to have standards, but don’t let your list of standards rule out every man in the human race either.
I have bristled at Maken’s article and associated book since they were first published in 2006. After six years of bristling and seeing the article posted on (married) friends’ social networking websites, I figured I should comment!
Maken’s point is that singleness should not be spiritualized to the point that the singleness itself, rather than the call to singleness, is honored. As pointed out by Macken, singleness is written about in the Bible as a calling for very few. If Maken had left it at simply that, it would be a great article. After all, few of us actually desire singleness but are rather hoping for Biblical marriage. In other words, we seek to practice our spirituality within our single state but not because of it.
The frustration, however, begins when singles are told that they are disobedient to God because of their marital status. In some cases, this may be true. I certainly know of singles who should have been married but instead of walked away from a Godly relationship. But for those of us who have not yet been afforded the opportunity for marriage (no matter how “burning with passion”!), it does not seem appropriate to equate “undue delay of marriage” (Westminster Confession, as quoted by Maken) with sin. It is akin to telling an infertile woman that she is sinning because she is not fulfilling the Godly role of mother. In both singleness and childlessness, there is no inherent sin… the desired outcome just isn’t happening.
In my experience, the majority of people telling singles that they possess a gift are the people who are married and trying to offer some sort of hope to singles. Perhaps Maken’s article and book would best be suited as a message to that group. Rather than over-spiritualizing singleness, married people can and should assist in the lives of singles to transition them to marriage (much like is being done with the mentors on MW). However, for those of us who are still “in the trenches” of singleness, telling us that we are sinning because we are not married is not going to accomplish a change.
Wow. I really feel sad… And hurt.
My heart aches for the men on this site that have had such a negative experiences with Christian women.
The other day, when I parked my car at church, two other single guys from my Bible study also parked in the same street. I remarked, “Hey, it’s bachelor row.” One friend said with a smile, “I prefer to think of myself as single.”
Sadly, I think many single men don’t mind thinking of themselves as single. We’re keeping our options open. We don’t like the sense of finality with that word bachelor because it is often accompanied with an adjective: “confirmed.”
I can agree with most of what’s been mentioned above here, but I do think men, myself included, have been too content to have a sort of longing for marriage, rather than to be working toward it in any constructive fashion.
Reminds me of a verse: “Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of the desire: this is also vanity and vexation of spirit,” Ecc. 6:9.
I think too often today, we settle for the wandering of desire and don’t understand our vexation.
I love all the different perspectives shared in this discussion. Thanks everyone!
@Emily — Ditto your comment. Though, I didn’t think Maken was saying that ALL singles were in sin. I certainly hope she wasn’t saying that. God knows many of us are doing our best to change our single status!
@CSLewisFan and electricman — Thanks for your input. Would you mind sharing a few details about the areas you think women have “unrealistic standards” in? That term is often thrown around, but who knows what it really means? It would be helpful for us ladies to hear some concrete examples of these unrealistic expectations.
Thanks!
Candice – please don’t take this the wrong way, but really? This topic has been discussed ad nauseum here and I’m sure you’re already well aware of what constitutes unrealistic expectations by women.
But since you asked, I will oblige.
I think the best way to describe what women want is to make a list – he must have every positive spiritual aspect but also be the epitome of the perfect man, physically. That means he must be tall, dark and handsome, or any of the men on the American Olympic swim team, or Tim Tebow, perhaps. In addition to all that, he must be excellent with children, have a high paying job to be able to support the American dream, have an excellent sense of direction, be adventurous and willing to hack through the jungle at a moment’s notice, be able to preach like Spurgeon, speak 5 languages, and on and on and on.
OK, so this is slightly facetious, but I absolutely believe it to be true. I desperately want to be proven wrong, though.
@Candice,
I think that a legitimate argument can be made about the “unrealistic standards” simply by looking at this site’s activity. Specifically, the number of men who contact women and number of rejected or even worse, no responses given even acknowledging them. This occurs even when a guy meets a lady’s criteria.
That sounds fairly picky to me.
@electricman: Both men and women frequently accuse the other gender of having “unrealistic expectations.” I know I’ve done it. But I really am beginning to think the term is so cliche it isn’t helpful anymore. In reality, each person is going to mean that term a bit differently.
For example, a girl might say that all men have unrealistic expectations in the physical attraction department, but what she really means is that men have rejected her for being 200 lbs overweight.
A guy might say women have unrealistic expectations in the area of finances, but what he really means is that he’s been rejected because he’s been unemployed for the last two years and lives with his parents.
Now, we could unpack those statements and discuss whether either of those expectations are unrealistic or not. I think discussions on the particulars would be much more beneficial than discussing expectations in a broad sense.
So anyway — I really just wanted to know what YOU two meant by the term.
@Mike: I do see your point, but look at it from another angle. There are many many more women on Marry Well (and dating sites in general) than there are men. We could deduce that there are more women wanting to but unable to find spouses than men. This would lead us to believe that maybe it’s the men who have standards that are too high.
I don’t think it’s productive to get into a he said- she said debate… Both sides are doing much more damage than learning or doing good.. And it’s actually revealing not just honest and harmful feelings about the opposite gender, but also some attacking each others vulnerabilities in an un-christlike manner.
I would encourage these be taken to mature (possibly married) Christians of your same gender.
OK Candice, you got me. I’m throwing up the white flag. I don’t know anymore. The more I try to understand this issue, the more confused I get. I have no idea why young Christian singles aren’t getting married, and if they do, it seems to be getting later and later in life.
I suppose I could rationalize and say that I’m still single because I’m this that or the other (negative) thing, but I don’t think that’s very helpful.
Candice, one more thing. You said “There are many many more women on Marry Well (and dating sites in general) than there are men.” I have no doubt that is true, as women often outnumber men in churches as well. Do you have any solid statistics that prove that out? I’m curious how wide the gap is between men and women on sites like these.
Yes, we’ve heard it all the time: men/women have unrealistic standards, are shallow, are too picky, etc.
Here are some things we need to recognize:
1. We all have standards that go beyond what the Bible says.
The simple test is whether the standard that you have is something the Bible praises as exemplary. Tall? Good-looking? Race? Hygiene? Intelligence? (Note: Not the same as wisdom). Desires to home-school? We all have these preferences, but none of these things are strictly biblical.
These preferences are often good. They may be pragmatic, and they are usually things that if we didn’t have in a spouse, we would not be happy. But they aren’t strictly biblical.
2. We need to recognize these standards in ourselves before we start accusing the other gender of it.
If we exercise our right to turn down people for not meeting our own particular and unique set of preferences, then we shouldn’t get upset when others do the same. Recognize that it would be unwise to pursue marriage in these cases.
3. God is not obligated to provide you with a spouse.
God does not promise us that. We wouldn’t dare accuse God of being unrighteous or unfaithful for not providing us with a spouse.
4. The Christian members of the opposite sex, collectively, are not obligated to provide you with a spouse either, and certainly an individual member of the opposite sex is not obligated to be your spouse.
Again, they’re not obligated to accept you as a spouse, any more than you are obligated to accept them based on your own personal standards.
And this is really where Debbie Maken’s advice fails. If you view marriage as a moral imperative, then you will feel a sense of entitlement for a spouse, and you will complain and blame the current generation of Christian men/women for not providing you with one, as well as the individuals who turn you down.
Marriage is not a moral imperative, and certainly marrying early is not a moral imperative either.
Maken once went a first date with a 37-year-old, and asked him “What kind of eunuch are you?” because in her world, being a type of eunuch that Jesus described was the only legitimate excuse for a man to still be single at 37. (Note to women: this is not a good way to get a second date).
One of the few Bible characters that we know their age of marriage is Isaac. God’s promise to Abraham depended on Isaac bearing children. Yet he didn’t send his servant to find Isaac a wife until Isaac was 40. 40!
Well said ps67. Thanks!
(I also like what you quoted at the beginning of the comments).
Psalm67, you raise some good points and I can’t say I disagree with any point you made. That said, I don’t see any benefit or value to intentionally delaying marriage. Yes, there are a few Biblical examples of it, but I would put those in the exception category, not the rule. Again, I will point out that sexual sin is a very real temptation for the unmarried and not to be taken lightly or minimized.
electricman, I would say that they are exceptions to the norm, but not exceptions to the rule. There is no rule but to love God and obey his commandments.
Married people are also tempted by sexual sin. They’ve told me as much. The 7th commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery” is there for a reason, and the Bible is full of examples of it.
We should not expect temptation to go away after marriage. That’s like expecting covetousness and greed to go away after buying a new HD television.
White flag. I give up.
I’d like to weigh in here with a different perspective.
I think it’s pretty clear that people develop unrealistic expectations for romantic partners (or potential partners) who feel emotionally unsafe. And we do it unconsciously, probably most of the time.
If someone is emotionally honest and vulnerable–if they’re “real”–they will become more physically attractive. You might see a girl at a distance and think “eh, she’s alright” but if you talk to her and she trusts you and opens up, she will stay in your mind.
Think about all the divorces we have in America. At one time, the husband and wife were attracted to each other, but over time, distrust, dishonesty, and other sins crept in and each person discovered they weren’t attracted to their partner anymore.
If I’m right, then the solution to our lack-of-marriage woes is a lot less to do with unreasonable expectations and more to do with whether or not Christian brothers and sisters are loving each other–which they are most definitely not. If Christians actually loved each other, churches would feel like safe places (which they don’t) and emotional and sexual repression wouldn’t completely dominate evangelical culture.
I know it hurts when you’ve been betrayed and manipulated by someone you deeply trust. It’s happened to me. But we have to take the first step to trust others, knowing that if someone else betrays our trust, God will never let us go.
It’s pretty clear that this stuff is crippling the church. Masses of Christians of all ages are living lives of quiet desperation on the outside but have wars raging on the inside, and nothing’s changing. We have to trust others, and we have to rely upon the Lord!
Good words shovel, Thanks!
“@Mike: I do see your point, but look at it from another angle. There are many many more women on Marry Well (and dating sites in general) than there are men. We could deduce that there are more women wanting to but unable to find spouses than men. This would lead us to believe that maybe it’s the men who have standards that are too high.
”
Actually from what I’ve seen, most dating sites have more men than women. But regardless, the reason these women are single is because, as someone posted earlier, they are holding out for the top 15-20% of men.
I think it would be an interesting experiment if a woman created a male profile on a dating site. You’d be able to see how much more difficult it is on the our side.
“I think it would be an interesting experiment if a woman created a male profile on a dating site. You’d be able to see how much more difficult it is on the our side.”
Depends most importantly what his profile photo was and then his height and occupation.
If he looked like a model and was 6’3″ working as a physician I’m sure he would get tons of wall comments and responses.
Wow, good discussion. Look, these “unrealistic expectations” are just something we have to accept. I “expect” women to find me attractive when I am at my best. If you’re not attracted to overweight people, is it fair to resent those who reject you because you are overweight? Fix it! I know it sucks but I promise it can be done (100 lbs down, 30 to go here). Somethings we can’t fix. I’m 5’9″… too short to be atttractive by ideal standards of male beauty. But I’ll overcome it with wit, passion, and demonstration of my ability to provide and care for my future family. More importantly I’ll overcome it with God’s help.
What I’m saying is, of course women have “unrealistic expectations.” YOUR job is to be so grounded in Christ, so radiently attractive for being at your best, that her expectations are knocked away and the 6’3″ male model is no substitute for yourself.