Why Don’t Men Try To Have It All?

Amid the recent media buzz about whether or not women can balance work with family and “have it all”, one man wonders why his gender is never the center of this balancing controversy.

In Relevant’s “Why Men Can’t Have It All,” pastor Peter Chin makes an interesting observation: “no one expects men to be as involved in parenting as women.” He goes on to write:

When someone tells you or implies that you can’t do something well, that’s not a cause for celebration. Men should not feel emancipated because everyone believes they are only mildly competent as caregivers. That’s an insult. That means that people assume you can’t do a good job, that you aren’t as capable or committed or loving and patient as your spouse. It diminishes the importance of fatherhood, and ridicules the abilities of fathers.

This perception is further perpetuated by the media, which consistently portrays fathers as utter domestic fools. I recently saw a commercial for a new comedy where three men struggled to give a baby a bottle, a modern take on the old joke, “How many incompetent ______ does it take to screw in a light bulb?” This may seem harmless, but in reality, is a terribly destructive stereotype. Many men buy into this mentality or stereotype without thought, and assume that they are not good caregivers, that not much is expected from them as fathers, that they are bumbling fools when it comes to family. We tell ourselves, “Sure, we can be good CEO’s, but we’re not cut out to be fathers.”

Now, tell me how that is any different or less insulting than telling a women the opposite: “Sure, you’re a good mother, but you’re not cut out to be a CEO.”

I wish someone would write articles questioning whether men could have it all because that would mean that we are finally taking fatherhood seriously, and seeing it as a role that requires such commitment that there is a very real chance that it cannot be balanced with professional ambition. I wish men would fill online blogs with their anguished attempts at living both callings, because that would mean that we are giving fatherhood the time and attention that it deserves, and are no longer selling ourselves short. God knows that there are so many communities where fatherhood needs to be taken far more seriously, not less.

Chin’s entire article is read worthy.

What do you think? Why don’t we as a culture worry about whether or not men can have it all? Is it because we value motherhood more than fatherhood?

1. mike said the following on August 9, 2012 at 11:23 am

   

   My main concern with women trying to “have it all” is that they in some ways are sabotaging their own future of that vision by reducing their pool of eligible men who might go out with them. Meaning that some men (not all for sure, and I’m not one of them) don’t look too positively on a woman making more than them or even having a “fast track” career. For example, about 4 years ago there was an article entitled “Ladies-Too Successful for a Mate?” The original publication is no longer online, but here is an excerpt taken from other sites:

   “If they had Y chromosomes, they would have been married a decade ago. Instead, like successful single women all over the country, they trek into their mid- to late 30s on their own — experiencing fabulous professional success, buying real estate and making savvy investments for the future, without much going on in the relationship department.”

   “With more women than men earning advanced degrees — 61% of master’s degrees conferred in 2007 will be to women — those kinds of men are going to become harder and harder to find. (They call it the pinnacle of success for a reason: The view is great, but pinnacles are by nature narrow, pointy places. There’s no room for a crowd.)”

   “Then there’s the issue of time. Most highly successful people work crazy hours, which makes it even more difficult to meet a suitable match. Christine Mohr, director of marketing and community relations for the YMCA in Washington, D.C., is out nearly every night of the week at fund-raisers, benefits and business dinners. ‘The person I’m trying to find is just as busy as I am,’ says Mohr, 29. ‘If we’re both that busy, when is the time when we’re going to meet?’ She says the men she does meet at these events are usually married.”

   Even if the woman doesn’t behave like she “doesn’t need a man”, a guy may either consciously or subconsciously think she is in competition with his natural instinct to provide and it can undercut his ego (basically the “Do I have what it takes?” or ego issue which is to a man’s self esteem as important as a woman’s self esteem based upon beauty). Furthermore, women in a sense also recognize this instinct as well. Meaning if a guy were to say on a date, “My GOAL is to be a stay at home dad and let my career wife bring home the bacon while I raise the kids and keep the house in order”. How many of you women would find that attractive? Seriously. There seems to be this unwritten expectation that men go out and work; not only that, but also have a career that’s at least on par with hers. Meaning if she is a Project Manager she is not very likely to go out with a Wal-Mart cashier.

   “It’s the dirty little secret of the battle for gender equality. It’s not that men still don’t believe women are equally capable, they just have a hard time visualizing their role in a relationship when the woman outranks them on all the measures they use to gauge their own success. It’s a little sad for the men, really. It also makes it very difficult for these power chicks to find a partner.”

   Many authors from Danielle Crittendon to Lori Gottlieb have written about this topic of delaying marriage and being too picky, ultimately putting themselves in tenuous situations where they are being passed over for younger ladies or those who are too picky.

   Another unaddressed question is, “Who will raise the kids?” should they come along. There are only 3 options for raising them:

   1. Daycare or hire a nanny
   2. Have a family member or friend take care of them
   3. One parent stays at home

   Maybe option 2 isn’t feasible because there is no family around or friends to assist. And maybe they don’t consider number 1 because of the cost or they’d rather not have their child raised by someone else. Guess what, that leaves only option #3 left. And guess which parent often gets “stuck” with that duty? Usually the woman for the reasons given in the last paragraph. Yeah, it seems unfair. But life is rarely such.

   If my future wife wants to have a career that’s fine, even if kids come along. But if work starts affecting the family dynamics, then it’s time to step back. Same would apply to me. Life is all about choices, and the realities of it.

   Here’s something also to think about: Most guys are neutral at best in regards to a woman’s career. Meaning the fact that she is “on par” with him careerwise is not a strong factor in terms of romantic interest. A guy considers things independent of that of more importance to him: Appearance, her temperament, how she treats him, etc. Of course exceptions abound but this is what evidence I’ve noticed. Why don’t many successful men in their mid forties marry successful women in their mid 40′s, but rather ladies 10-15 years their junior?

   I’m not saying ladies should not go to school, get a degree, get a decent job, etc. Why wait around wasting your time waiting for Prince Charming or Mr. Darcy? That’s perfectly a logical and smart course of action. However, also understand that what makes women desirable to most men, Christian or not, is not always what you think would win a man over. Plus consider the effect that age has on your fertility both from your perspective and his.
2. PolarBearEverywhere said the following on August 10, 2012 at 8:49 am

   

   As I grew up, I always knew that in my home things were wrong, it wasn’t easy and it only grew to be much more complicated and painful as the communication surrounding anything didn’t exist.
   As I went into my late mid teens, I noticed that it was common, for Father to be detached, to say the least, and virtually emotionally and morally vacant… Growing up in a completely secular environment was all I knew and I would be 19 before I would ever hear about Jesus, and learn that the Bible was His Very Infallible Word. I cannot say that I was able to understand what was missing, but I was able to identify that the lack of involvement was very wrong.
   Society does down play Masculine Roles in the Home, Culturally Men have been given LAME Excuses to be anything but Fathers and permitted to get away without accountability to their Utter Priority in the Home. Society has Made Men out to be Weak who spend time with their Children in manors that are Nourishing in terms of Intellectual and Emotional expanses. It is a crying Shame, and the Children growing up in these Voids lay waste before the really tough things begin.
   Into my Mid to Late twenties is where the Fallout began to be experienced, Bitterness and Confusion mixed a very painful potion, which poured into struggles that had always been present between my Dad and I from the beginning. Many of these things were the reason I had always run the other way from pursuing relationships. It would not be until only seven years ago that I would develop a Comfort in Character and Personality whereby Trusting the Lord helped to break me from the shell I cocooned inside of behind a Myriad of various barriers of Extreme Introversion.
   Men, Christ Laid Down HIS Life for His Bride, We are Commanded Indicatively to Lay our Lives down for our Spouse and Children, and it is Absolutely Essential that we be Bare open in every way so that our Children can be firmly brought up on the Foundations of Grace with a Genuine Understanding and not just a Heritage of Traditional Values, but a True to Life example that will provide a very relevant operation that Emits the Gospel and affirms The Miraculous Works of the Father in Heaven.
   I am fearfully eager to have children of my own, being their weak and broken at the Cross, cherishing the True Moments of Bonding and Building substance in the Fullness of Christ. Certainly the Most Valued things we as Men can Give, ARE these wonderful Stores of Great Treasures that serve throughout the roads of Life.
   Praise the Lord Jesus for Being such a Full and Perfect Example, for giving us EVERY Good Thing in Heaven, and Leaving us With His Spirit and the His Word of Truth whereby we can earnestly Lead and Courageously and Humbly display Christ BEING the Author and Finisher of our Faith EVERY Step of the way.
3. Vision146 said the following on August 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

   

   We’re a nation of men raised my women. A father’s consistant presence feels missing. We’re terrified of the idea of a woman having a job… but maybe the kids need us just as much.
4. mache said the following on August 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

   

   I would like to thank all the Men for responding on this. All I can say is thanks for taking the stand. ‘Iron sharpens Iron’ they say. Thanks