Men and Confidence
Last week The Gospel Coalition published Thabiti Anyabwile’s “Some Basic Thoughts on Manhood: Confidence and Fear.” Anyabwile makes some interesting suggestions about the differences between men and women. He begins:
I hadn’t originally planned to do a post on manhood and confidence/fear, but my wife sent me something I can’t pass up. I can’t pass it up because, honestly, I think it captures what a lot of men feel. It’s a quote from Dr. Juli Slattery on Revive Our Hearts:
A man told me, “Every day, I feel like I’m one decision away from failing.” I think he verbalized what most men feel, but don’t know how to articulate.
What do you think about that, brothers? Ladies, what would your husband say to this?
Men and Women Are Different
I think this man’s comment is spot on for a lot of men. I know I feel this way sometimes. And I think it might be one of the ways men and women experience pressure differently. As I counsel and fellowship with sisters, it seems to me that most women feel like “I gotta get everything done.” It seems most men feel like “I gotta get everything right.” So women throw themselves into every task that’s necessary–gotta get up and cook breakfast, prepare the kids for school, get to work on time (did I turn off the stove), work on this report, pick the kids up from school, get them to after-school activity (what am I gonna cook for dinner?), stop by the grocer on the way home, cook dinner, help with homework, oh yeah, spend some time with my husband. What sometimes looks to women like a lack of leadership or neglecting getting things done is sometimes a man’s fear of getting it wrong. He thinks, What if I mess this up? How will this hurt the family, disappoint my wife, once again neglect the kids? Will I get fired from work if I mess this up or miss a promotion? Is family worship working? Does it matter in the scheme of things?
Visit The Gospel Coalition website to read the rest.
What do you think of Anyabwile’s assessment and advice?
Comment
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I wonder what how the author would distinguish between a man who fears failing and a man who lacks motivation.
Someone lacking motivation may devote less thought to the decision than one who fears failing.
PS – The author left us photographic evidence of one lacking motivation at the bottom of the full article
Ah the plight of a man. …or maybe just men who haven’t found wives…
A girl I dated a few years ago whispered romantically, “Tell me that nothing scares you. Tell me you’re fearless.”
Lying was a sin. “I’m not fearless,” I said. “I’m just a guy. I have fears. I have weeknesses.”
Two weeks later I was dumped. “What did I do wrong?” I asked the girl, hurt and confused.
“When I told you to tell me that you’re fearless,” she said, “you should have lied to me.”
And there you have it. Sheryl Crow sang it best. “Are you strong enough to be my man? Lie to me. I promise… I’ll believe.” Women fall in love with a man when they perceive him to be an immovable rock of stability and security. Problem is, we’re NOT. Now when I date I must ‘appear’ confident, but how could I ever achieve ‘intimacy’ with a woman if I must constantly conceal my fears and weaknesses? Would that I could confide in her, and trust her to love me anyway.
God is the only ‘immovable rock of stability and security.’ I don’t care how rich or how tough a guy is, any large enough act of God will knock him to his knees as fast as any beta-male. When a woman truly trusts in the Lord, when GOD is the one she loves the most and respectfully fears, she can then love a man, and accept his fears and weaknesses.
It’s scary though, If you’ve been hurt. It’s tempting to do what Sheryl Crow suggests and ‘lie to’ her. But if we say we have no fear, then fear is our master. If we admit to them, then what we truly demonstrate… is courage, an attractive trait one would hope.
Vision146: I agree: that attitude/belief of the gal you mention is totally immature and ignorant of the human condition. We all have weaknesses; they just vary as to type and degree.
I’d wonder what she was really wanting to hear. Tell me that you will fight for me, for us. That you’ll stand up under pressure. That you’ll be courageous, even if it costs you your life. That you won’t compromise your faith, your principles. That you’ll humble yourself. Tell me that God is developing manly strength in you. Let me see the leader He is creating you to be. And I will cheer you on, support you, encourage you, help you. is kinda what I hope she was really trying to say. But maybe she wasn’t.
Which brings me to thanking God for all He has shown me and taught me about Himself, humankind (and men, specifically), and myself during these years that I’ve been single. It’s been rather poopy to not be married by now… but at least I am not the gal I was 15 years ago, when I was a wee babe in the faith.
Keep pressing on, brother! You have much wisdom for one so young. Keep sharing it and encouraging fellow brothers in the Lord. It’s awesome for us sisters in Christ to watch y’all encourage one another and spur one another to good deeds in Him.
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That was supposed to be a Jesus fishie. Oh well! ;o)
@vision146: Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and you are likely faring much better without such a woman. The Lord may have been protecting you.
Women do want men who are confident and goal-oriented. However, true Christian women are not (and should not) be attracted to someone pretending to be someone they are not and masking their weaknesses. This spells arrogance or pride (stemming from fear of man) and generally an unteachable spirit which is disastrous for a marriage in the long run. If a man’s (or woman’s) weaknesses are serious indecisiveness, bitterness, being emotionally detached, or others that would inhibit a relationship, then it’s best to seek counsel and discipleship. The Lord knows our weaknesses and can use them for his glory while we strive to follow and love Him and serve others.
People (men and women) like to be “lied to” and to do the “lying”. Whether it be a woman who asks, “Does this make me look fat?” knowing she really doesn’t want the honest answer, or a man who inflates his own abilities (how much he earns, how much he can bench press, etc) to impress ladies. To quote the famous Col Nathan Jessup: “(We) can’t handle the truth”.
This is why you will never hear a politican say, “We have a financial crisis in this country. The only way to solve it is to either cut entitlement benefits, raise taxes, or both” Yeah, that person would never get elected in a million years even though deep down we all know it’s true.
So in relationships too, most of us mask to some extent our struggles and weaknesses. We know if we advertise our struggle with porn we will turn into a dating pariah. We know if say that we really want a husband and to be a SAHM mom we seem weak and needy.
I’m not suggesting we all start spilling our guts to everyone right away, but I am simply saying that despite what we may want as an ideal in how we interact with each other, our actions tell a very different story.
mike: One would hope that Christians would be maturing to the point that they appreciate honesty, even if it doesn’t really foster the feeling of being in a romance of Disney/Hollywood tenor. Right?
How can we be honest? An excellent question. A strange thing happens to a male brain when he starts falling for a girl. Whatever physical imperfections she may possess become factors in what Mark Driscoll would call “a standard of beauty.” So we shouldn’t need to lie. “Yes, your hair is sun-damaged, and it’s beautiful.” “Yes, you have ance-scarring, and it’s perfect.”
(I shouldn’t speak for all males, maybe it’s just my brain)
But what if it’s possible that a woman might experience something similar. Could 5’9″ be the perfect kissing height? Could a receeding hairline only serve to show off a very handsome forehead?
We’re insecure. We cannot fathom being accepted like this. We don’t believe other humans can love as fiercely as us.
I know zealots like myself sound repetitive when we say ‘Jesus died for our sins,’ but I can only say it so many times (far too few). JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS. We’re accepting of this love aren’t we? Love like this is not easy to grasp, but God does not require us to understand salvation, just to accept it.
I have a lot of ideas to share on many of the topics that have been raised in recent Lodge articles, I hope I am not commenting too much.
My belief is that there are different degrees of honesty. I can be honest, without spilling my guts. I can tell the truth in love but still hold back a few parts. Sometimes it is not appropriate to discuss certain topics.
In all honesty, I have never once had a woman ask me if a dress made her look fat where I had to lie. I have dated women of varying body types but as I got to know them for who they were as a person I didn’t see them as less than perfect, I saw them as a beautiful person. I learned to look past the fact that their waistline was larger than mine or that their hair had a lot of split ends. Instead I focused on their strengths: nice smile, nice teeth, nice hair, nice style, nice voice, pretty eyes, etc. Very few of us are going to have the looks of the super models.
Let’s learn to speak truth in love, be confident in who we are in Christ, not second guess the intentions all the time of those around us, and learn to be forgiving and to give people the benefit of doubt. I say stupid hurtful things from time to time, but I am genuinely sorry when I realize it or if I’m told that I did.
WE can do better men… we do not need to feel like we’re one day away from failing. Let us measure ourselves against who Christ calls us to be, learn to be strong leaders in the church, traits of being a good husband and father. As we take care of the important foundations– I sincerely hope and pray that the materials for the rest of the building (our life) will arrive. That’s what I’m doing at least, I’ll let you know how it works or if it works when/if I get married. :=)