5 Dating Myths
On July 30, Relevant published marriage counselor Debra Fileta’s “5 Things I Wish I’d Known About Dating.” Fileta unpacks 5 dating myths, including:
- If you’re too picky, you’ll never get married
- You should only date toward marriage
- All the “good ones” are already taken
- Marriage will solve your dating problems
Her treatment of one myth was particularly insightful:
Entering into a dating relationship will “ruin” your friendship
This phrase is used to often in the dating world, but now that I’m married, I don’t even really know what that means.
You’re supposed to marry your best friend. Someone you connect with deeply on an emotional, spiritual, social and physical level. A friend who you can laugh with, talk to until 4 a.m., and cry with, but also have the freedom to do absolutely nothing with. So, if you have that with someone of the opposite sex, maybe the friendship is the first step of something bigger. That’s the best case scenario.
Worst case scenario, a friendship doesn’t ever blossom into the stage of romantic feelings, and yes, the friendship changes. In my opinion, that’s still a good thing.
Let me explain. When I got married, the friendships I had with the opposite sex changed drastically, anyway. When my husband became my priority, I had to guard my marriage by setting up boundaries with guy friends and distancing myself to an appropriate extent. My guy friends were no longer carrying the role they used to carry, because they were not my husband. He was the only man that was able to carry that special role in my life. So like it or not, your friendships with the opposite sex will always change—either now or later when you meet your spouse. The deep friendship you have with your spouse should never be shared with someone else. If your friendship changes now, then it’s less you have to deal with later.
Visit Relevant’s website to read all of Fileta’s tips.
What dating myths have you unraveled over the years?
Comment
Register for a Marry Well account today to join the discussion. Even basic members can comment.
Uh, actually I agree or at least partially agree with all of them.
1. Yes, if you’re too picky you won’t get married. If you’re a 45 yr old guy and hoping for a 25 year old blonde bombshell you won’t get her unless you are seriously loaded or look like George Clooney.
2. By that logic, it’s OK to date non-Christians then because one can rationalize that “you aren’t dating towards marriage so it’s OK”. Sorry, but any romantic interest is a marriage possibility. Now I’m not saying you go all out and state to your daten “Unless you are serious in getting married in a couple years we should stop right now” but don’t be naive either.
3. Depends how you define “good ones”. But generally speaking, those that tend to be more physically attractive, those that have more successful careers (for guys), and those who have a great personalities DO tend to get married earlier. Those that don’t are either too picky and turn down more dates in a week than I’ve had in a year or choose the “wrong” type of guys/girls to date. But if you mean by “good ones” those who put God first, have an unselfish attitude, etc. then yes, those people may get overlooked. Main point is that some people are more desirable than others and that we just do the best with whatever hand we’ve been dealt.
4. Yes, marriage WILL solve your dating problems in that you won’t be dating anymore (hopefully). What I think the author means is that marriage won’t solve all your problems to which I agree. Truth be told, marriage does solve some problems but also invites others. Meaning you probably won’t have to worry about sexual frustration much anymore (hopefully), but you’ll now have to constantly consider someone else’s well being in your decisions (namely your spouse and perhaps children if they are in the mix). Point is marriage has its share of benefits AND problems much as singleness has its share of benefits and problems. One is merely trading one set of problems for another.
5. Sorry, if you are friends with a member of the opposite sex, and then “go deeper” into something more, and it doesn’t work out, when (more like if) you go back to a friendship it will never be the same again. Of course, if everything works out, then you have the benefits of building that friendship beforehand. Marriage and its pursuit is a big risk. And one of those risks no matter what anyone tells you is that any romantic interest your pursue which has any meaning puts your heart on the line. And your heart can get hurt (that’s why it’s called love in the first place). Anyone who says they have a “system” (courting, etc) which will totally insulate your heart and have zero risk of emotional pain is lying. Still, love is worth it.
@Mike: Did you read the original post? Fileta’s headers are punchy, but when she explained what she was getting at, I actually agreed with most of what she said.
1. Being picky: She doesn’t encourage waiting for perfection, but waiting until you find someone right for you. Don’t settle simply out of desperation and fear you won’t find someone else. Be wise.
2. Dating towards marriage: She tackles the overly serious approach encouraged by the conservative wing of the courtship movement. Not every date HAS to lead to marriage. If you think someone may have potential, it doesn’t hurt to go with them a few times and just see. Not every relationship can or should end in marriage.
3. There are still good ones out there: While it sometimes feels like all the good ones are gone, that just isn’t true. Plus, it smacks of pride — I think I’m “a good one.” Do I think I’m the only one left on the planet?
4. Losing friends: I think her advice is spot-on.
5. Marriage won’t solve your dating problems: She’s getting at issues you have as a couple before you’re married. If you argue all the time when you are dating, you’ll argue even more once you’re married. I think that’s solid advice.
Again — check out the original post.
@CandiceGage,
I did read the entire post, and still hold to my opinions. For example, it’d be nice if you “marry your best friend” but at the same time I don’t believe that needs to be a prerequesite. Remember in almost all generations past except for the last 100 years or so men and women didn’t become “best friends” before they married. Rather marriage was about building that friendship once you were married if it didn’t exist in the first place.
I believe part of excitement in marriage is discovering some of the things about each other that you didn’t know before you were married. Of course you want to know about the “biggies” before you marry someone (their faith, their views on finances, etc) but don’t believe you must be the closest of buddies before you tie the knot.
I’ve come up with a response… if you know now (after marriage)about dating what you didn’t when you were… you might still be dating!
I think a little ignorance and less over-thinking EVERYTHING would be helpful for those reluctant to date for ANY reason (within sane boundaries).
Myth: Married people have answers on how to get married…
Uh..hints and tips, yes, sure fire guarantees, No.
Myth: “He’s just shy” No, some of the shyest people I know are married, how did that happen?! Women: If a guy is interested in you, he will ask you, if he doesn’t, HE’s NOT INTERESTED IN ASKING YOU, DON’T MAKE EXCUSES FOR WHY HE HASN’T ASKED YET, you are in DENIAL!
—I’m still trying to work out how this is applied to online ‘dating’ or it is searching (?), but if they’ve been on my match list for quite some time, and haven’t communicated much, or at all, I take it as they aren’t interested, and I just view them as possible friends. Sad, but true. *Sigh*
People who want to get married, FIND a way to get married. Men and Women alike, but it doesn’t just drop in their lap, they went looking for it and found it, cause all those people.. are Married.
“Change your beliefs about yourself by rooting your identity and value in Christ, and then wait for the best.” I’d tweak the end of this to say: ‘and run after Christ with your life, and only a relationship that allows you to keep running after him together is the one you are should always pursue.’ (Waiting is very passive and out of your control, dating doesn’t end at marriage, it just gives you a permanent person to date).
I adhere to this:
“Dating is a great season to get to know yourself and to experience relationships with others in hopes of finding true love. Don’t let these lies hold you back, but use them instead to strive to achieve a healthy perspective. ” (and not embitter you).
What about those of us that are already bitter?
Or perhaps he’s interested but is tired of being rejected?
Attitude
It’s not THAT gal’s fault that you have been rejected before… yeah.. you are showing her!
man: Filling out your profile further and posting photos of yourself would help — if you’re talking about being rejected by MW ladies. I can understand hesitancy about posting photos… but not filling out the profile? I don’t get that bit.
I think “man” is just trolling the site.
electricman: One could surmise as much, but “man” has been a member since December 2010 and has participated in The Lodge discussions in the past, sometimes giving longer responses. So… I don’t think he’s a troll; I think he’s someone who has been hurt a lot in the past, who would like to meet that special someone, and who still needs to receive some healing.
4: It’s more not wanting to get burned again than looking to show her.
e: That’s cold.
Andrea – thanks for your feedback.
man – I apologize for drawing a wrong conclusion. I wasn’t trying to be cold, but your cryptic nature did have the appearance of being a troll. I’m sorry for misjudging you.
Wow!!! Electric man, you made a remark about man, and it drew Andre’s Point, which was well presented and to the Point.
This is Special!!! Man, LOL That’s Cold, while that may be so, I will agree at the initial place it was stated, However, Electricman you promptly apologized That Rocks.
@ Ma,
While I would not be one to prompt a statement like I think this proved to be a pivot point, I think Electricman did you a bit of blessing in disguise, if ever affirmation was to be affirmation I would say it is so here for you, Would not the Lord Desire that you express to some fuller degree more in regards to who you are, for the Ladies here I am sure it would be a well received token.
Not that it is my business, neither do I want to contend or present something to be taken as any punch, but just I felt strongly to iterate, and encourage you.
Transparency is something that definitely requires courage, and trust.
But Trust the Lord with regards to putting yourself out there, and find where Trust is build in those whom He brings your way.
Yeup I have been Hurt in HUGE ways, and thought I would never rise to endeavor the pursuit of my desires for Marriage EVER again, but God broke me, after Destroying my Brooding Castle and all the Bulwark Seize holes at distances away. While I maintain some serious Barriers such will not be dealt with until I find myself in the position of “Dating” and moving forward with particular Relationship progressions.
@Candice, thank you for expounding on the Five points of the Article, it served to ease my mind and give a relevant perspective that without left me wrestling for lack of the insight, I will have to Read the Article over again, as my attitude caused me to miss out on what is packed up therein.
@Man, consider yourself Accepted in Christ and find Him Perfectly Sufficient, perhaps saying this may seem easier than done, but the reality therein contains a Strength Beyond our ability to produce and changes our perception from day to day in wait.
God is God and Affirmatively HE IS working things out, Follow Him and Seek Him for He is our Precious Jewel First and Foremost and Must be preeminent in all the aspects of our lives, we are a work in Progress each day, each moment, the work He does is intricate, delicate, and often times it seems like an excavator punching through frosty Ground, lots of rumbling, tonnes of pressure, and gapping depths exposed to fresh air, wounds need to be cleaned but we need to be careful not to pick at them ourselves lest we do further damages of loss and scarring. Heart Places and Mind Spaces need to be filled by Him.
I struggled in very huge ways in these things, until only three or four years ago, and now every day is a new day; granted not each day is perfectly experienced in Him, but He is working things out and seeing it happen in my life is comfort enough to gain extra determination to continue seeking Him for Strength in these things. Just wanted to encourage you Brother.