Read Before You Initiate

By Candice Gage

You know that perplexing moment when you realize your match wrote to you without reading your profile? So many questions buzz through your mind.

Why has he contacted me if he doesn’t care about finding out what I have to say?

If he doesn’t have time to read through my profile, does he really have time for a relationship?

If it wasn’t worth the effort to read my profile, why is it worth the effort to correspond? Is he even reading my messages?

Something tells me this guy is a bad listener.

The whole situation is confusing.

Don’t be that guy. Take time to read through your match’s profile before you contact her. Here are a few tips:

Read thoroughly. Don’t skim. If you see anything that interests you or causes you pause, make a note. This makes for great discussion starters later on.

Take it seriously... If she says she’s called to overseas missions, then assume she really is called to overseas missions. If she says she doesn’t want to relocate, assume she really doesn’t want to relocate. If there are numerous areas of difference, don’t contact her thinking she’ll change her mind. Assume that she knows enough about herself to present a fairly accurate accounting of who she is.

…but not too seriously. This may sound like a contradiction, but it’s not. While you should take what people say seriously, realize there are many issues that people are willing to compromise on. She might love the city, but that doesn’t mean she’s totally opposed to living in the country.  She might go to a Baptist college, but that doesn’t mean she’s firm in her denominational loyalties. Don’t assume she’ll change her mind, but feel free to ask her some questions about possible differences you have. Most people are willing to make some  compromises.

Remember your purpose. The whole point of dating is to discover information about a person. With online dating, most of this information initially comes from written communication. If you aren’t interested in doing a little reading during the process, perhaps you should ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish by participating in online dating.

And ladies — this article is directed at men because they do most of the initiating on Marry Well. However, if you decide to contact someone, these tips apply to you as well.

1. USALady63 said the following on July 7, 2012 at 1:57 pm

   

   its happened to me 5x’s! and what is up with guys giving out their phone numbers and emails the first time around. Are they avoiding paying a membership fee??? or In a Hurry???
   Guys…its not right. Get a mentor first and Study the word of God and lots of Prayer!
2. USALady63 said the following on July 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm

   

   Good advise!
3. Lidia said the following on July 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

   

   GREAT post!!! Thank you!!!
   I just hope that some of the guys read it.
4. harplady said the following on July 7, 2012 at 5:56 pm

   

   And while you’re at it, don’t start off with something like, “Dear Angel,” or “I’m not interested in you, but you’re messed up on your doctrine.” And yes, that stuff really happens.
5. electricman said the following on July 7, 2012 at 8:52 pm

   

   Does anyone know what this article is about because I didn’t read it.
6. ENAMOURED said the following on July 7, 2012 at 10:47 pm

   

   i read it Lidia
7. Jenn said the following on July 7, 2012 at 11:52 pm

   

   @electricman – 2 points! Thanks for the laugh!

   So on a similar topic, when communicating in writing (email, FB, msg…) if one party answers some questions and ignores others:
   - what do you assume about them?
   - if you are that person, why do you skip some?
   - is this normal to just ignore questions, or should there at least be a ‘hey, saw the question, but no time (or too personal, or whatever)’?
   - do less detail-oriented people just not realize they skipped some?
   - or, as a curious, extroverted female, do I just ask too many questions? [is there a one per msg rule I missed somewhere? ]

   thanks for any thoughts… (:
8. man said the following on July 8, 2012 at 12:46 am

   

   So if I take the time to read her profile then she will respond to the email? Because otherwise I’d just be wasting my time.
9. USALady63 said the following on July 8, 2012 at 11:09 pm

   

   Jenn: good point!
10. eameyer said the following on July 8, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    

    Too funny electricman.

    Awkward moment #212, if it says “married reference” it means…”married reference”. :::sfx: cricket, cricket.::: Stay alert! Details matter. hee hee. Mentors do post.

    I do like the “but not too seriously”. My husband changed my mind about a lot of things.
11. KR7 said the following on July 9, 2012 at 12:59 am

    

    haahahaha harplady. to be honest there were actually times when I was tempted to say something similar to your second scenario…
12. AndreaElena said the following on July 9, 2012 at 10:20 am

    

    And don’t write the same message to a whole bunch of ladies. Especially not if you’re posting it on their walls. Don’t be spammarific… ’cause that’s not terrific. Kthxbai.
13. ENAMOURED said the following on July 9, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    

    AndreaElena I caouldnt recieve the message cause im not a member but if you look on my profile you can see where i am. or unless you want to leave it here?
14. ENAMOURED said the following on July 9, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    

    oops never mind im reading it.
15. jonathanarm said the following on July 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    

    No one is perfect. I know I have missed things in profiles and possibly asked questions that could have been answered if I memorized her entire profile- but who does that?

    I know on the receiving question how it feels to get an email full of questions that are clearly answered in my profile. That being said, I accept the advice and will commit to being more conscientious.