Preparing for Sexual Intimacy

Engaged couples can benefit greatly from hearing the experience of older married couples.

However, there are some facets of married life that should be kept private.

Tim Challies recently discussed how hearing about another couple’s sex life isn’t always very helpful — and sometimes, it can borderline on detrimental. Check out this excerpt:

I believe it is generally unwise and unhelpful for a husband and wife to share details of their sexual intimacy or to read the details of another couple’s sexual intimacy. Of course there may be times and contexts in which a certain level of detail is genuinely helpful, such as when an older couple provides counsel to a younger couple who is struggling in an area. But to share details publicly and to share very intimate details, is usually unwise and unhelpful.  I am not saying that it is necessarily sinful, just that there is a better way to achieve the end result.

One of the details that is best kept between a husband and wife is the frequency with which they have sex. There are many places you can go to find statistics on this, and there are even many Christian authors who include such numbers in their books about sexuality. I have several concerns with the appeal to statistics.

In the first place, statistics necessarily provoke comparison. In this case, comparison may well generate either pride or discontentment, either a sense of superiority that you and your spouse have sex more often than the average couple, or discontentment that everyone else is enjoying sex more often than you.

Second, statistics of this kind do very little to take into account context and life stage and even the natural variances in desire between individuals and couples. What is clear about the sexual relationship is that it is always in flux, it is always changing, and every couple needs to give it regular attention if it is to keep from slipping into dysfunction or disregard.

Third, and most significantly, appealing to statistics short circuits the difficult but important process through which a couple can work out just the right frequency in their own relationship. An appeal to statistics may allow a couple to bypass the important matters of heart and character.

Visit Challies’ blog to read the rest.

1. IndoChick said the following on July 15, 2012 at 10:56 am

   

   Okay, so being leaps and bounds and a couple stone throws from engagement, this topic isn’t one I’m terribly invested in, but two thoughts come to mind.

   First, I’m pretty sure it was Spiderman (or his uncle) who immortalized the phrase that ‘with great power comes great responsibility’, and in my opinion, knowledge also brings responsibility. Therefore, there are things I just don’t want to know at this point because I don’t want to have to be responsible for that knowledge.

   Second, I agree with the author that statistics aren’t very helpful in this area. In fact, I think statistics are often unhelpful because we forget that such numbers are almost meaningless when interpreted in a vacuum, that is without context. An unrelated example I often encounter is women’s frequent talk about numbers relating to weight, either the (almost arbitrary) number written on the tag of our jeans or the one we see in front of our toes when we stand on a scale. I’m tall for a girl which means when a group of 5’7″ friends start swapping numbers their numbers are completely irrelevant for me, but it’s so tempting to think that such statistics hold some sort of weight (pun acknowledged) that they really don’t.
2. electricman said the following on July 15, 2012 at 2:36 pm

   

   I agree with IndoChick. This issue is actually a non-issue because I have yet to meet anyone and am nowhere close to the path to marriage. I’m not sure what profit it is to even think about an issue like this long before you’re even on the path to marriage. Yes, I know it’s geared towards engaged people, but how many of them are on a singles site? I’m curious to know.
3. man said the following on July 15, 2012 at 8:29 pm

   

   This article is very interesting and thought provoking.
4. eameyer said the following on July 15, 2012 at 9:43 pm

   

   I’ve always enjoyed classic Corrie Ten Boom stories. Once she asked her dad a question and he responded with a question. Dad, “Corrie can you carry the big suitcase? Until you can, I’ll carry it for you”* * (as I recall it, paraphrased). In other words, I think there are aspects of sex that should be talked about because of the relational side of it, however, you don’t need to know things in sexual terms right now. You do need to know attitude is huge. Learn to sacrifice, manage expectations, and implement ways to change your own attitude etc. these all make a big difference in any relationship.
5. Vision146 said the following on July 17, 2012 at 2:56 am

   

   Hopefully we’ll figure it out once we’re married God’s got it. Yet another reason to wait… no insecure thoughts about how one compares to previous sexual partners.
6. jonathanarm said the following on July 18, 2012 at 7:23 pm

   

   I guess the opening sentence says it all: “Engaged couples can benefit greatly from hearing the experience of older married couples.” I’m not engaged, therefore this article doesn’t apply to me at this present time.

   However, on a side note, I think I do agree with the author and its better to keep details to oneself and not to rely to heavily on statistics. However, they can be helpful and cause us to not be too quick to jump into something.