Wisdom vs. Rules

Last week, Sharon Hodde Miller posted an entry on her blog titled “Dating Advice: It is OK if I…?” Miller writes about the importance of cultivating wisdom in dating relationships rather than setting black-and-white rules. Check out this excerpt:

I find wisdom to be one of a few helpful Biblical paradigms for dating relationships. Rather than lay out a “Mosaic Law” of dating rules (as the above mentioned post warns against), wisdom is a messier yet more holistic (and arguably less Pharisaical) approach to dating. For one thing, godly wisdom can guide couples through the countless scenarios they will face in dating, many of which are never directly addressed in the Bible.

Second, wisdom guards our hearts against bitterness toward God. It exhorts us to consider the reason and goodness behind His commands, rather than forcing an unquestioning obedience detached from God’s plan or character. This latter form of obedience is likely to result in frustration and even disdain for God’s instructions.

God is not looking for empty-headed robots who perfectly conform to His commands. Yes, obedience is a good affirmed by Scripture, but it is obedience with a very particular purpose and direction, not obedience for obedience’s sake. Instead, obedience is for our protection, for the good of our relationship with God, and with others. The wise individual recognizes this truth and is guided by it.

The next time you find yourself asking, “Is it ok if my boyfriend and I [fill in the blank]?” I would caution you against finding a rule (and then a subsequent loophole), and instead seek the path of wisdom. Based on what Scripture says about things like our created design, human sexuality, and our relationship with God, what would be wise and what would be foolish? What would be life-giving, and what would be shame inducing? What would be true, and what would be false? What would it look like to walk in the light, and what would it look like to hide in the darkness?

What do you think of Miller’s advice? Do you approach dating with a specific set of personal rules? Or do you prefer to work things out as you go along?

1. jrsimeon said the following on June 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

   

   There are a few personal boundaries that I will not cross, but in general, I like to “work things out as I go along”. I’ve found that everyone’s different and many come from different upbringing, so for me to put rules and regulations based on my own experience can be hindering to someone feeling comfortable to be themself around me. Miller said, “we should be careful about instituting legalistic boundaries in dating relationships”. She has a good point about that because we surely need to examine the scripture to identify the purpose of these boundaries.
   Miller definitely has good advice about using wisdom because not everyone has the same level of temptations. If you have to ask the question, “Is it ok if…”, wisdom says it’s probably not. A good book I would recommend is “Boundaries in Dating”- by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Although every relationship will vary, this book gives good advice in what to be cautious of.
   I have found that if you are following God’s direction and trusting in Him, there usually isn’t an issue of how close you can come to the cliff before you fall off into sin because you’re too focused on pleasing the Lord.
2. ILoveTheWorld said the following on June 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

   

   Just as no two people are alike, not one relationship is alike. We are all unique and interact in distinct ways. This being said, it’s important to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit as we form friendships and relationships. However, God has set up some specific non-negotialbe boundaries in the Bible. These laws set up for our protection must be followed. However, in other areas I think it’s important for couples to seek God’s way for their distinct relationship. This is where the influence of trusted, godly counsel comes into play. It’s important for couples to invite wise counsel into their relationship to help them choose God’s best way for their specific relationship. I appreciate this article!
3. syntyche said the following on June 25, 2012 at 5:11 pm

   

   I think Miller’s advice shouldn’t be limited to just dating. That is how life should work. So I like what she wrote here. I just wonder if she embraces it truly. This started as a response to her initial blog post on bfs sleeping over. And she states in the beginning of the post that, “I still believe the practice is totally unwise.” But people could follow all the questions in the last paragraph, and still come up with the belief that it is wise for their particular situation. I agree, wisdom is messier, and more holistic. And it can also lead to vastly different conclusions, depending.

   I guess specifically about me, I’m like many. I have a few deal breakers, but even those, along with other things are assessed on a slew of general and specific criteria.

   jrsimeon: …if you are following God’s direction and trusting in Him, there usually isn’t an issue of how close you can come to the cliff before you fall off into sin because you’re too focused on pleasing the Lord.

   When I first read that I thought you were quoting someone, and I realized you were…you. So dead on, and so using it.

   Thanks for the thread!