The Cheap Vanishing Trick
By Candice Gage
I’ve been involved in the online dating scene for nearly three years now, and there are some aspects of the system that I will never get used to — like the vanishing trick.
It happened to me again, about a month ago.
I was contacted by a guy on a dating site (not Marry Well). He said he was impressed with my profile, and I after reading through his, I was rather impressed as well. We corresponded almost daily for a few weeks. Then — he failed to respond to a message. I could see the message had been read. I waited two weeks. Then I wrote again, saying I assumed he had decided to move on. Again, the message was read. Again, I got no response.
Poof.
I’m sure I’m not the only one to have been on the wrong side of this disappearing act.
I’ve experienced this sort of thing often enough to have developed some “thick skin” in this area. I’ve learned not to get too excited — even when things seem to be going really well, even when the guy seems like a devoted follower of Christ. I’ve learned to put off hope until trust is gained.
I’ve learned to not let it get to me, but I’ll never get used to it, especially when the perpetrator is a self-proclaimed Christian.
Don’t get me wrong — I understand why people would be tempted to pull the vanishing trick. Disappearing is easy, simple, and clean. There’s no drama. You simply click a button and the situation goes away.
Disappearing is also self-centered. It ignores the good of the other person.
I’m not saying there’s never a time to refuse an answer to a message or block a match. I don’t respond to spam messages, or inappropriate comments, etc. Some sites are even set up with the expectation that you block/close someone that you aren’t interested in knowing better.
Still, in general, I think we should follow Jesus’ teaching:
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12 ESV)
As we interact with people online, we should make every effort to treat them in the manner we would want to be treated.
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I think it’s simply “part of the territory” with online dating. Not saying it’s acceptable to do, but it’s a side-effect of doing it. A lot of online dating behavior is “rude”, even among Christians. Not responding at all to initiations (not even a “Thanks, but no thanks”), the disappearing act, etc.
Part of the reason could be that he found another person who he’s more interested in. And he figures why tell you about it and hurt your feelings? “Hey, just want to let you know I’ve also been communicating with this other lady and we seem to be a better match for each other than you are. So I’m going to stop corresponding with you and focus on her. Thanks though!”
This reminds me that I have a some messages I’ve not responded to in my MW Inbox. It’s not that I’m brushing off those folks… I just don’t always have both internet access and the time to think about a reply, craft it, proofread it, and then send it. So… it’s in my mental to-do list/Drafts folder.
But the article/blog post here is a good reminder for me. Being passive-aggressive isn’t right, and hoping the person will grok the message by subtle hints rarely works either. Direct communication is much better. Something for me to work on, definitely.
Another good reason why I prefer personal interaction. It’s not as easy to vanish when the person is standing right infront of you.
Let’s not forget that MW founders encourage us to seek out God-honoring relationships within our own existing communities. MW exists to enhance that mission of God-honoring relationships. I wouldn’t think it would be an accurate replacement.
Some women are really stuck up.
I know exactly what you mean. I’ve written many e-mails and they’ve all been ignored.
The in-person variation to this is when you express interest in someone and instead of telling you they aren’t interested outright, they give vague, obfuscating answers to your interest, instead of simply saying they aren’t interested. So it’s no real surprise that it happens online.
Hey “man”, you might have more success if you posted a profile picture! Most gals seem to like to know what kind of “animal” they are hearing from!
I want to offer a couple different ways of looking at this, as, well… I tend to do.
Doesn’t take away from the more problematic times it’s occurred. But I guess I am just wondering if some of these are more benign on the surface than appears.
I became exhausted just reading that daily correspondence occurred for weeks!
That just seems like an awful lot, in an awfully short amount of time. My inclinations are closest to AndreaElena’s. I wouldn’t even want to just spit out a response. I want time to read what you’ve told me, think about it, see how I feel about it, sleep on it, etc. I may have to look up something you referred to, which will lead to more time to reflect. I suppose my natural inclinations would be to take it to an extreme, so this is a good reminder for me to try to shorten the time span. But I think me at my quickest may still seem sluggish, if what is described here is the normal pace.
And I definitely agree that ideally there should be open communication. And I could do that now. If my writing veers from our established pattern, I could clue the person in, and give them a head’s up, or at least an apology if they send an email saying, “What gives?” But if were younger, and if it were framed in more of a definitive way, similar to the above, I might actually fade out not because I wanted to, but because I would be nervous that things were already ruined, or if I did that again, the person would get upset again.
In speaking of here specifically, I like the lodge/icebreakers, the updates, and the walls. It gives a framework, and some context to the person. Maybe all the different formats don’t work for everyone equally. I tend to post more, and update less. And regardless of how it’s initiated, there are even more things you’ll learn as your communication grows in depth. But without any of that, a “cold call” makes me leery. And considering that we don’t do life in a safe world, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
And you know, I wouldn’t say disappearing is either clean or easy – not for everyone. Even when people feel compelled to behave that way, it could be weighing heavily on their heart.
So thank you for the thread, Candice; I appreciated the anecdotal candor. Sometimes people’s experiences differ so wildly from mine. But that’s what makes the sharing of these all the more informative.
a couple replies…
Hey mike! I have no problem with your mock message. I’ve suffered myself with that kind of disclosure, so I agree it’s not easy- but that’s the standard we all need to get to.
Howdy do jrsimeon
A couple of things:
Another good reason why I prefer personal interaction. It’s not as easy to vanish when the person is standing right in front of you.
Oh yes it is!! LOL! It’s less about the convenience of it, I’d say, and more about where the heart is. Someone could be around you every day, and their heart has left you months ago. Someone who wants to go, will go, and someone who wants to stick it out, will, regardless of communication style.
Let’s not forget that MW founders encourage us to seek out God-honoring relationships within our own existing communities. MW exists to enhance that mission of God-honoring relationships. I wouldn’t think it would be an accurate replacement.
And this is where I veer from the founders, as well as possibly a good chunk of inhabitants. I say to go as far as to say it’s not an accurate replacement is to speak a little too much about a given person’s situation. Maybe it is for them, and moreover, maybe it needs to be, at least for a time. Or what, are our hearts so stingy, we have not enough love for both cyberspace and actual space relationships? Why do I hear a large chorus of “yes!”
I’m thinking of Paul, and how his letters are filled with such love and encouragement, and not, “Oh well, you’re not technicaly in my circle now, so…” Lastly, everyone’s situation is different, and some may not have the community they seek immediately in front of them.
Thanks again, all!
I would not want to just up and vanish if I had been communicating with someone, I would rather be up front; while perhaps in a case of misunderstanding there are some cautions to take for circumstantial instances. I really think Syntyche and AndreaElena really touched on a some specific points to consider in regards to the points of the article.
Communication is a challenge to say the least, life is busy, regardless of whether we are corresponding with people online or not, most of the time I think people generally don’t know what entails a weekly schedule, and perhaps this is something that plays a part in this absolutely.
In the event where people would dismiss people without a second thought to express a reason evermore, than at some point there should be no more thought put towards it, forgiveness then has to rule over the instance and we move one with life. Not to say it is not without effect sadly enough.
This is defnitley something both sides of the fence have a duty to think upon with respects towards each other regarding feelings and perspectives, communication is Key and executing solid communications and discerning well the direction and expectations of each other has lots of room for complications, I like the up front style at some point brings things to a center and there a straightforward communication can be clearly seen. For those who would just up and abandon and disgard for vanishing Huruumph I say.;) Lots to think about here thanks for the article and for the thoughts shared.
If anyone wrote to me, I would respond. That is how I would like to be treated.
Granted, I’m not a paid member at this time, so if someone wrote to me (if they even can), I don’t think I could write back.
Sorry for the lack of clarity. I’m still trying to figure out how this site works…for instance, how does one even start a forum topic? How to get replies? Etc.
OhZone: You have to submit a topic to the admins. Right now, there isn’t any sort of format like a bulletin board or Facebook group that would allow any of us to begin a discussion at any time.
syntyche: I agree with you — “cold calls” here at MW rather creep me out, but I’m trying to keep something of an open mind.
As a man, it’s extremely frustrating to show interest in a woman and get no response at all, whether it’s online or face to face. It’s happened to me countless times. I’m certainly not perfect but I always try to end communication, whether it’s with a note, or the hide/close/archive/block features that various sites offer. I don’t take offense if someone isn’t interested in me. I just take it as a sign to move forward and keep looking. Yes, it’s disappointing, but if I’ve learned one thing from online matchmaking, there is no shortage of women out there who are looking for a man!