Give Yourself an Emotional Check Up

How are you doing emotionally?

Relevant magazine asked that question earlier this week with Debra K. Fileta’s article titled “Are You Emotionally Healthy?” In her column, Fileta discusses the importance of paying attention to our emotional health. Her advice is particularly relevant for singles preparing themselves for marriage.

I’m amazed at how much time and energy we, as a society, put into our fitness and well-being and how little we invest in the other components of who we are. Even in our Christian societies where the stress may not be on physical fitness, the focus is definitely on the spiritual components. While both of these things are important areas to invest in, one part in particular that seems to be severely neglected is the area of our emotional health: a person’s functioning in thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

My career as a professional counselor has given me an awareness to this area because I spend my time interacting with people who seem so put together on the outside, but inside, their emotional worlds are in total disarray. Every day I meet men and women who work so hard at “keeping it together” for the eyes of those around them, rather than working at actually healing the inside. We get so good at perfecting our masks and living our lives behind the shadows.

In order to be healthy and whole as individuals, we have to begin living in an introspective way and learning what it means to look within. That’s hard to do in a world so fixated on the tangible and the outward. It’s crucial to be aware of our emotional temperature, as well as the things that bring us toward healing or hurt.

But this is all easier said than done. Just like anything else, the journey toward emotional health takes time and energy. While there are many ways to begin tackling this world within, here are some practices to examine as a start to your emotional check-up.

Fileta goes on to give tips for assessing ourselves in the areas of thinking, feeling, interacting, and behaving.

How are you preparing yourself emotionally for dating and eventually marriage?

1. Candace said the following on June 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

   

   I think this is one of the most practical and helpful articles posted on MW because many people are either oblivious or try to cover their insecurities and emotional state when dealing with others. It happens at church, in the workplace, and even with friends or family if you are desperate to convey a put-together image.

   I’ve been astounded the last several years to discover how many people have insecurities (particularly people who seem so attractive for a number of reasons) and how these manifest in various ways and how they drive people’s thought process and decision-making. Sometimes these emotional problems are deep-seeded and can be reflections of our childhood, experiences we have, or our personalities. We all have insecurities mainly because we fear man and harbor pride, though when we can really analyze and relinquish them to the Lord, we can truly be set free and live and love others as He designed us to do.
2. shovelbomb said the following on June 28, 2012 at 11:01 pm

   

   Ditto to everything that Candace said.

   Here’s the problem: a major way to help get out of insecurities is to be around emotionally safe people. But most people are emotionally UNsafe BECAUSE of their insecurities! In other words, it’s a catch-22. The few people who are truly safe, warm, open, and honest people for others to come to without fear of condemnation or judgment need to be intentional about helping others out of the muck of emotional issues.

   What I see is a huge problem is that because women are generally socialized to be emotionally intelligent, they have devised innumerable ways of hiding up their insecurities (because they’re consciously aware of their emotional states); however, since men are generally NOT socialized to be emotionally intelligent, they are unaware that they have emotional issues, period! So the choice seems to be manipulation and deceit (for women) and denial (for men).

   The church really should be the “safest place on Earth” a la Larry Crabb. One of the ways this dovetails with dating and marriage is this: women, unless you can be emotionally open and honest with your brothers in Christ, you will not have a healthy marriage. Vice versa for men. The principle of “guarding your heart” does not mean emotionally invulnerable. If you see your spouse (or future spouse) as the only opposite-sex person you can emotionally trust, you will end up idolizing that person. Many people do this, and I believe this is why the Church is a very lonely and uncomfortable place for singles. It’s not just that married people are busy with kids–it’s that they only know how to be emotionally open with their spouse (when it comes to people of the opposite sex). And yet they are usually close to their opposite-sex blood siblings. Why can’t we have the same for our spiritual siblings? If everyone did this in our churches, I think the frequency of certain sins like fornication and pornography would radically diminish.
3. AndreaElena said the following on June 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm

   

   What about those of us who tend to be too introspective and focused on our own feelings? Yep, that’s me.
4. shovelbomb said the following on June 29, 2012 at 8:48 pm

   

   I’m not sure someone can actually be too introspective–I think higher levels of introspection greatly help one’s spiritual walk because we’re paying attention to our motivations throughout the day.

   All of us have an infinite amount of emotional needs to be met–the problem isn’t when we focus on those emotions and needs, but when we refuse to believe that God can meet all of them.
5. Candace said the following on July 1, 2012 at 10:12 pm

   

   @shovelbomb: Great points on the topic, and I agree. I think you hit on a couple of great points concerning how people view themselves emotionally (either hiding insecurities and deceiving others or ignoring it altogether). Being vulnerable and transparent with people at church or with close Christian friends and learning how to deal with any emotional issues would be important and likely improve chances of a good and healthy marriage.

   My church recommends and uses a lot of resources and counsel from CCEF (Christian Counseling and Education Forum). They do a great job of honing in on approaching emotional issues from not only a practical standpoint but a Christian and Biblical perspective.