The Costliness of Love

Yesterday Boundless published an excellent article on the costliness of real love — “How Would Jesus Date?” by author Gary Thomas. Here is an excerpt:

Many couples tend to be undisciplined and hasty in declaring their affection. They blurt out their feelings before seriously even knowing the other person. And then they tend to be very self-centered, wanting the other person to respond in kind and begin meeting their romantic fantasies with equal desperation.

Jesus does the exact opposite. Let’s listen to Ward again:

The mistakes in our human friendships are usually due to the fact that we give too generously what is useless to our friend [easy displays of affection], and are too [stingy] in giving the more costly gifts, which are essential to his welfare [reining in our feelings until we know we can back them up].… At the back of all appearances lies the truth that the measure of love is its costliness. To analyze one’s feelings is the worst way of arriving at a measure of friendship; to count its cost is the best way.

To analyze one’s feelings is the worst way of arriving at a measure of friendship; to count its cost is the best way. And yet isn’t that what many of us do, spend endless hours trying to figure out what we’re really feeling? Jesus lived and taught that friendship and love are marked by sacrifice: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).

Feeling romantically inclined toward someone, but not mentioning it because you know doing so would be premature and unwise, is one of the most loving and difficult things you will ever be asked to do. It is difficult to feel so strongly and not talk about it with the one you’re infatuated with. And it is so delicious to hear that the feelings are returned. But giving free rein to such emotion and conversation is the opposite of love; it is selfish. It threatens that person’s emotional and spiritual health. It shows a lack of concern, a lack of care, a total lack of the willingness to sacrifice on which true love is based.

Thomas’ entire article is excellent. Visit Boundless and check it out.

1. ILoveTheWorld said the following on June 28, 2012 at 11:34 am

   

   The whole article is well worth reading! If we lived for the glory of God, our relationships would be transformed: “Jesus lived first for the glory of God, above every human friendship, and that made Him the truest friend anyone could ever have.” To God be the glory!
2. stephaniez said the following on June 28, 2012 at 6:40 pm

   

   I have mixed feelings about this. Yes, we should be careful with our emotions and those of others, but this article and others I’ve seen almost suggest that emotions are bad. Since when does being a Christian entail not being allowed feel anything, to press a “feel emotion now” button only when it’s practical? Yes, we shouldn’t spill our guts too soon, but I know lots of relationships have suffered because the couple DIDN’T tell each other how they felt or show they cared – and yes, sometimes you need to hear it. God didn’t give us emotions so we could keep them constantly bottled up. In the process of counting the cost, let’s not go too far and entirely stifle what we feel. I don’t think that’s effective or healthy.
3. theflowergirl said the following on June 28, 2012 at 10:12 pm

   

   Gary Thomas is great. Yes, excellent article indeed!
4. jonathanarm said the following on June 28, 2012 at 10:43 pm

   

   I appreciate the variety of opinions offered thus far. Like many things in life there is a balance. I agree with Stephanie that emotions are God given and that we should avoid bottling them up. I’m sure I’ve missed opportunities ignoring my emotions or trying to convince myself they didn’t exist. I think the lesson I have learned is to be cautious but not so much so that you never move forward.

   I used to be the type and maybe still am where I mapped things out. As I continue to get older, I realize that life does not ever go the way planned. I think God gives us principals to live by in His scripture and I wholeheartedly believe in His sovereignty- but also know that He gives us room to make our own choices. I might even go so far as to say that God will allow us to choose who we marry. But then that leads me to the next question: Is it possible to marry the wrong person? If so, does that warrant divorce? Some of these are rhetorical questions.

   I definitely want to be freer with my expression of emotions- say how I feel more and keep less bottled inside. I know I have experienced a great deal of trauma throughout my life because I never verbalized how I felt. Truth in love… but actions do speak louder than words. But sometimes we need to let someone know with words that we do care.
5. Rambutan said the following on June 28, 2012 at 11:38 pm

   

   Easy displays of affection in the correct context are not bad at all but they should also go along with the more costly and sacrificial actions as well.
6. Lucy said the following on June 29, 2012 at 12:26 am

   

   This article was really convicting for me in thinking about both dating relationships and friendships. Thanks for sharing this!