A Simple Approach to Finding a Wife
by R. Albert Mohler, Jr
Young men (and I was one once) tend to think of a universe of all the potential females on the planet, and that’s not the way we should think. That’s not realistic. That’s not helpful. What’s helpful is to think about the fact that I am in a setting where, almost assuredly, a young woman I should marry would be found here, and in a circle of friends, in a church, in an employment situation, on a college campus, there are an awful lot of wonderful young women here who would be eligible to be my wife. So then look to the Scripture and say ‘What kind of criteriology should we use?
So let’s say (number 1) she has to be a believer, ok, so #1, you cut out half of humanity because you are seeking a woman, so we have that clear. And then they’re supposed to be a believer, because you’re not supposed to be unequally yoked for very good Gospel reasons and now you’ve really cut the population down.
And then you think, well, God’s sovereign and I’m here, and it’s meaningful that I’m here. It’s likely that she’s here. In other words, God does not say “Get on a tramp steamer, and buy a one-way ticket to a foreign continent and try to find a bride.” That’s just not what we would expect. We would expect that she’s probably here…very close by.
So you think about – who are you attracted to? And I would certainly hope you are attracted. In our fallenness we learn not to trust our attractions, but we also learn that our attractions can be informative. We should pray that the Lord would lead us to be attracted to just the right one.
I like to use the metaphor of climbing up a mountain. At some point a young man is climbing up a mountain trying to amass enough data to corroborate the fact that this is the woman he ought to marry. But at some very strategic point, and this is where a lot of our young men are missing the point, at some strategic point that burden has been met and he needs to start going downhill and actually go toward getting married. He has to take some initiative and do some things in order to make it happen.
The question then becomes “why would you not want to marry this woman?” Look, she is perfectly suited to be your wife. She is Biblically qualified to be your wife. You are attracted to her for all the right reasons. You can foresee her being your wife for a lifetime. You can foresee her as the mother of your children. You have a worldview compatibility. The people who love you the most, your closest friends, think she’s good for you. The people who love her believe that you are good for her. There is no Biblical reason why you should be disqualified from getting married, and the people who know you and love you the best think you would be wonderful together, then why not today? That’s the real question. In other words, what are you now waiting for?
I think this generation of young men has been scared off by the question of who to marry by a theology suggesting that something clearly supernatural is to happen for us to know we are to get married to a specific woman – when actually, it ought be the culmination of a process of just being obedient and watchful and hopeful and prayerful, and the right thing should fall into place.
R. Albert Mohler, Jr. is president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. For more articles and resources by Dr. Mohler, and for information on The Albert Mohler Program, a daily national radio program broadcast on the Salem Radio Network, go to AlbertMohler.com.
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I agree with this in principle, but I think it’s overly simplistic. There are numerous considerations that aren’t mentioned here, but things that could easily cause problems if they aren’t resolved before marriage. For instance, theology (calvinist or arminian), choice of schooling for children (home or public), desire to adopt or not, is the husband the primary breadwinner, where do you live if you both are from different parts of the country, etc etc. Even smaller issues like choice of Bible translation and worship style preference can be problematic. I speak from experience on these things, not that I have been married or engaged, but I can say for certain these are things that need to be considered BEFORE you consider someone suitable for marriage or not. Just assuming that potentially problematic issues will all just work out is most unwise, in my opinion.
Bottom line for me is that just because someone is a Christian, loves the Lord and is good with children does not make them automatically suitable for marriage. Jesus said that there are eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake. In the case of marriage, there are those who must forsake marriage and finding a spouse because there isn’t anyone with whom they are compatible without making compromises and going against their conscience.
One thing I think is that while I know that my parents (for example) did not discuss things such as “basic” doctrine (they were both Christians…attended the same church growing up), schooling choices, roles of husband/wife etc. they were 18 and barely 20. Many of those things they had not even thought of much less thought to discuss. They’ll celebrate their 30th anniversary this year. Same thing with my grandparents who have been married for over 50 years.
For those of us who are *cough* older, and especially if you have been in an environment where more in depth issues have been discussed, then you probably DO have a viewpoint/conviction and it IS important that you take all of that into consideration. Because quite frankly, there are some things that I have gone through that many Christians will not understand. Many Christians never question the biblical principles behind such things as the wearing of jewelry, long hair vs. short hair, who did Jesus die for, whether Christmas and other holidays be celebrated, birth control, headcoverings etc….and yet all of those things are things that I have had to consider and struggle with over the years. Not saying that I have it all figured out, but I know Christians who don’t even know these issues exist.
That being said, I don’t believe it neccasary to the start of a relationship for both parties to be in total agreement on every little thing; but they should be able to discuss and understand each others backgrounds to some extent as what we have been exposed to does continue to affect the shaping of our futures.
Good article, especially appreciate the last paragraph
though, I think the last paragraph also applies to the women just as much
Hmmm….well, I think the answer to this issue boils down to whether you are a Calvinist or an Arminian.
Well this article does say it’s the “simple” approach. Not the “complicated” approach. I wouldn’t expect to read about the intricacies of matching with someone in an article simplifying the process.
SouthernBelle completely summed up my thoughts on the matter though.
Excuse me! I have a problem with the subject of young women. Their are others on this site who are 40 plus. Why do you just say young women. are you speaking of teenagers and 20 and 30′s??? They are not the only ones on this site. Please Rewrite this column so it addresses all ages groups.
Yes You Must Marry A Beleiver! Very Important. This is what I want.
Electricman, believe me, I certainly understand your view.
I was originally raised COGIC (hardcore Pentecostal/Charismatic) for over 16 years. I met and dated a young lady within that denomination for over a year, and we seriously discussed getting marriage. It was essentially written in stone. That is, until I ran into fellas like Albert Mohler, John MacArthur, R.C. Sproul, discussing Calvinism, the Reformation, the Five Solas, and why these things give a more accurate description of who man is and how we are to relate to God.
Well, I’m single now, so you can imagine how nasty it got when I tried to at least start discussing these things with her, and why some of the preachers she listened too really didn’t have her best interests at heart, and why some doctrines she believed just wasn’t supported by Scripture at all, and so on, and so on, yo momma, yo momma, etc…
As a result, I knew that for the next young lady I pursue for marriage, I would at least want her to be a Calvinist essentially. Is this wise, though? She is biblically qualified. Though she may believe in tongues or has a skewed view of salvation. Does this mean that I should not consider her simply because some of her beliefs may be off? I think I’d want the same consideration.
Ladies, for a potential mate that goes to a different church that belongs to a different denomination, is this something you’d want to discuss during the dating (or courting) portion of a relationship? Or do you, knowing that there’s gonna be a clash of beliefs, wait until engagement or sometime after to discuss these meaty issues?
I invite your thoughts.
For His glory,
Chris
@Chris–I think any issues, especially those that are important to you–are up for discussion before engagement. This is someone you are considering spending the rest of your life with, after all. That being said, I think you can marry someone with whom you disagree on some significant issues–each person has some issues that are dealbreakers and some that aren’t. Very few couples agree on every issue though! The process of talking out those issues and finding out HOW you disagree (with kindness and respect? with dirty fighting tactics?) is also really important.
Electricman,
Wouldn’t this be a good picture of showing grace and mercy?
You, knowing that some of what she believes, may very well indeed be erroneous, BUT she does believe that Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ died for her sins.
That much you know for sure. She may not even know anything about the significance of Oct. 31, 1517 and why you celebrate it and why you read books by all these old dudes from the 16-18th centuries. Martin Luther? Wasn’t he the guy that fought for Civil Rights?
You get my point though. So what is the right way to go about discussing differences in beliefs? You bring up a good point Electricman, those viewpoints are irreconcilable in that they are two opposing views on who God is and how He operates. So what is the right way to go about this?
Maybe this can become a post on its own.
For His glory,
Chris
Now I remember why I wasn’t a huge fan of Albert Mohler.
Chris, thanks for the dialogue and getting me to engage my brain a bit.
You bring up Reformed doctrine (which, by the way, I hold to.) Any potential wife does not have to have all her theological t’s crossed and i’s dotted, at least as far as doctrine is concerned. What’s more important is her willingness to capitulate to my leadership and teaching, flawed though it may be. As Lydia pointed out not every single issue is a deal breaker, but I think something like Calvinism vs. Arminianism definitely is if no agreement can be reached. The gulf is too wide between those two positions as you point out.
Anyway, ultimately humbleness, teachability, and a Godly spirit are what should be the deciding factors in a woman’s suitability for marriage.
Clear as mud?
I think a lot of really good points have been raised here. I do have one thought though. Dr. Mohler says, “It’s likely that she’s here.” For most people, I think that’s probably true, but for those of us who are living overseas, it might not be. Since I’ve lived overseas for several years now, I’ve noticed some things. In my experience, women who are thinking about missions, but are still single, just go by themselves. Guys on the other hand, tend to wait at home until they get married, and then go. There are way more single girls overseas than guys! I’m just saying, guys, that if you’ve thought about missions and you’re still single… maybe she’s already there!
I would also add to Blhardy’s post that there are people, like myself, who attend small churches where there just aren’t any opportunities. I also live in a part of the country where the evangelical population is estimated to be 1- 3%. Once you throw reformed doctrine into the mix, and now you are talking a small fraction of 1% of the population. For some of us it can be an extreme challenge just to find decent churches and likeminded believers, let alone someone to marry!
The small town, small church, reformed doctrine stuff is an issue even in the “Bible Belt”, unfortunately. =/
To be honest, everything comes down to what the Bible says-everything in life!
I agree with SouthernBelle and harmony turtle.
@LadyElaine,
Now that you’ve informed us, please elaborate more on why you aren’t a huge fan of Mr. Mohler? Inquiring minds wanna know. What about the post bugs you or that you disagree with?
@Electricman,
Suppose she doesn’t fully understand the difference? She has been raised, say, in a Pentecostal circle, and it never was brought up in doctrinal discussions and church? What if she didn’t understand simply because she wasn’t as mature in the faith as you? Granted, for someone who knows the difference and deliberately chooses Arminianism is another story. But what if she honestly didn’t know? Would you still consider her as a potential mate?
Plus, the characteristics you mention at the end go both ways. As sure as you may be in the truth and biblical compatibility of your beliefs, how does one go about discussing possible errors with another’s beliefs? In the context of a developing relationship? It goes without saying that no matter how sincere a person may hold a belief (irregardless of how long the belief has been held), if it’s rooted on faulty interpretation of God’s Word (or not at all), then as brothers and sisters working to be more like Him, I think it’s part of our duty to at least discuss this with one another.
For His glory,
Chris
I sadly realize that being “a Christian, loves the Lord and is good with children does not make women automatically suitable for marriage.” it seems we must not trust what the Bible or the God who wrote it and add our Human conditions in order to determine a mate suitable.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t created to live up to man’s standards, but I was for God’s in a life in obedience to him according to scripture alone… Anything more is just an excuse.
Fascinating article & discussion.
I think the main point of the article is whether couples should expect something as confirming as God’s audible voice before moving towards marriage. The article makes a good point that scripture and common sense already provide us with a lot of direction for making that decision. The idea of “soul mates” has been so tragically romanticized. Though, neither would it be wise to put God in a box.
However, the discussion brings to light an interesting question. It seems that some people prefer to major in the majors… while others would prefer a clone. Let’s just get real here… if you’re really expecting to find a perfect person who has it all together, has everything in common with you and with whom you will never disagree… I hope you enjoy being single
.
The issue of doctrinal beliefs is tricky for me. I am reformed leaning in my beliefs, I am still learning a lot. I just moved to the Seattle area and am attending church with my friend. She goes to an Assembly of God church. We were talking about doctrine and she did not know the differences between the church she attends and the Baptist church we both attended in our home town. I think she is the norm. I don’t think most people have ever looked into the Calvinism vs. Arminian debate. That being said I know my friend loves Jesus and seeks to follow him in all she does. I want to marry someone who has similar beliefs as me but sometimes I wonder if I am not decreasing my chances of marriage by holding out or a Calvinist. I also figure between being on this site and living within 30 minutes of several Mars Hill churches, if I cant find a man with similar beliefs I should just give up :0).
@Blair- You could try the late Sunday service at the Downtown location. It’s packed with single guys — or at least it was the one time I went. Most of them looked like they were in their twenties, though. I was going to say that the Christian book section of of the U Village Barnes & Noble is a great place to run into guys, too, but they just shut down recently =( But I think there might be one downtown.
Regarding the article and general discussion… I appreciate that the article seems to emphasize being less picky and being willing to settle down with someone before exploring every single option out there. I think that it is good for us to genuinely consider the suitability of the people around us and not disqualify them so easily because we’re sure that something else is out there or because we’re waiting for some divine sign.
That said, the article does oversimplify things. There is much that needs to be discussed prior to marriage. While I do think that anything can be worked through when God is in the relationship, I think that there are some things that a couple should be on the same page about in order to best glorify God. Doctrine is definitely one of those things. Personally, I would not marry an Arminian or anyone who doesn’t believe that our salvation is held securely in Christ. To be blunt, I don’t want to follow someone who doesn’t interpret the Bible correctly. Being that God’s Word is our instruction book for marriage and other things in life, it would be of great concern if a guy didn’t have a good grasp on what the Bible is actually saying.
To address Chris’s question about discussing differences in beliefs, I would just be bold in discussing key points. If a guy doesn’t agree with me, I will certainly explain my belief and take him through the passages that support that, but I’m not going to argue. So if he just wants to be hostile, then it’s time to break things off. If his eyes are opened in the course of our discussion, then that’s great and I would watch for growth in those beliefs for him. I think that what electricman said is good: You should be looking for a woman is teachable, humble, and willing to submit. If she’s willing to recognize that she’s not always right and accept your leadership in spiritual matters and biblical teaching, then I think you could build a foundation there. BUT, I think you need to be discerning and make sure that she’s being genuine in that and not just playing “nice girl” while you’re dating because she doesn’t want to lose you. You’d want to look for evidence in her life that she really does have that humble, teachable spirit.
But, yeah, conversations about that should definitely come before engagement and should be done in love, as brother and sister in Christ. You can be bold without hitting someone over the head =) I think it’s a great idea to pray before important conversations like that… In fact, I would say to plan ahead there, and let her know that you want to have a discussion about doctrine on such-and-such day and ask her to be in prayer about the conversation. As someone told me recently, preparation is especially important in cases where emotions might run high.
Electricman:
The reasons why I have a problem with Mohler is his overly simplistic reasoning. Furthermore, I have a difficult time receiving advice about protracted singleness from someone who hasn’t gone through it themselves(and hasn’t lived through the similar circumstances in this decade). I’m going to be honest here: There are no easy answers for protracted singleness, and no magic, formulaic, perfect programs for a successful relationship. Are there principles? Yes. Guidelines? Yes. But I don’t believe there’s a one size fits all specific way for a man to find, marry, and stay married to a woman, and vice versa.
lots of people commenting on Calvinism/Arminianism. Here’s some of my thoughts:
–the person does NOT need to understand the meaning of the word Calvinism. Just talk about the tenets of the belief together and see if you line up.
–I have found some people say they are Calvinist or Arminian, but then when you actually start talking about the beliefs, they tend to believe the opposite of the label they use. Again, talking through the beliefs is more important than the name “Calvinist” or “Arminian”
–some people have been taught that Calvinists believe certain things which are actually hyperCalvinism and then they have stayed away from anything with the word “Calvinism.” Rightfully so, since hyperCalvinism is just as off as Arminianism. Good for them! I would marry that kind of “Arminian” especially if we talked it through and found out actually he’s a Calvinist who just wasn’t willing to be called that.
–John Piper (very Calvinist!) learned a ton of godly living from his father (Arminian!) and saw such joy in his father’s living out of Christian faith and evangelism. I don’t think Calvinism/Arminianism always draws a dividing line for love. Again, I think talking through each other’s beliefs will be the best way to approach this issue.
Chris,
I’m totally for keeping the lines of communication open to see if things progress, but at some point a decision has to be made where things are headed. I’m certainly against the idea of bludgeoning someone to death with a “Theology Hammer”, but discussing theological differences is a good place for a man to step up and be a good teacher and leader as God calls him to (easier said than done, I know.) I don’t think a man should just say “I believe this and you should too” without being able to walk someone through the Scriptures, especially so for a potential wife for whom he will have to assume responsibility for her spiritual instruction and leadership.
But, ultimately God’s wisdom is far greater than anything I can produce, so I think Amos 3:3 is very appropriate for this discussion: “How can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
4lizjo,
You said: “I sadly realize that being “a Christian, loves the Lord and is good with children does not make women automatically suitable for marriage.” ”
I wanted to point out that you did not quote me correctly, and as such it appears have taken my words out of context. In my original quote I said: “Bottom line for me is that just because someone is a Christian, loves the Lord and is good with children does not make them automatically suitable for marriage.” I was talking about someone in particular when I said that, not all women in general. I don’t believe there is any malice on your part and do believe it was an honest mistake, but your misquotation did substantially change the point I was making there. Likewise, I apologize if I was not clear in attempting to make my point. Sometimes I have something in my head that I wish to communicate, and it does not translate well into written form.
you know, if we went back to the days of arranged marriages none of this would even be an issue
@electricman… You’re right, I did change ‘them’ to women… Your post never indicated that you were talking about one woman specifically, it was rather general, thus my assumption.
I think what strikes me is this… you mentioned several issues to consider in the first part of your post… then ended with “In the case of marriage, there are those who must forsake marriage and finding a spouse because there isn’t anyone with whom they are compatible without making compromises and going against their conscience.”… of which the author of the article is speaking to…
“I think this generation of young men has been scared off by the question of who to marry by a theology suggesting that something clearly supernatural is to happen for us to know we are to get married to a specific woman – when actually, it ought be the culmination of a process of just being obedient and watchful and hopeful and prayerful, and the right thing should fall into place.”
I think what the author is saying is it takes Faith.
It’s about the character of BOTH the man and the woman that make a marriage work. Trust me when it comes down to the living Character, not theology, is what makes the difference in getting through the good and tough times. It’s being on the same page on how you deal with situations, not the hard and fast, ‘this is the way it’s going to be.’ Life isn’t a pretty little package of perceptions. If you trust who the person is in Christ, and you are in Christ, then as situations come up in life you’ll work through, and yes compromise, to make it through life together. Remember to leave room for growth and change, you marry someone for what they have today with the potential of being a compatible spouse.
“If we went back to the days of arranged marriages none of this would even be an issue.”
True. Then we would have other issues.
I’m not sure this article oversimplifies. I think it might just avoid going into detail in an effort to underscore the point of the following paragraph:
“I like to use the metaphor of climbing up a mountain. At some point a young man is climbing up a mountain trying to amass enough data to corroborate the fact that this is the woman he ought to marry. But at some very strategic point, and this is where a lot of our young men are missing the point, at some strategic point that burden has been met and he needs to start going downhill and actually go toward getting married. He has to take some initiative and do some things in order to make it happen.”
Note that the author does mention the need to climb the mountain and accumulate the “data,” but his main concern is that men don’t get stuck there.
In my own life, endless analysis can be a comfortable way to put off action.
A very thought provoking article. I always thought that it would be wise to discuss everything and anything that we can as during courtship etc so that there are no surprises up ahead. I am open minded enough to know that we may never completely agree on everything. To sum it up like @4lizjo says, “it takes faith”
I appreciate the comedy that the article calls us to simplicity, with a Biblical perspective, since we all, or most if us, obviously persue spouses with complicated and over analytical thinking quite naturally.