Christian Dating Tips: #33
Christian Dating Tip #33: Be prepared for risk and vulnerability
There will always be a certain amount of mystery in the path to marriage.
The interaction between men and women along the path to marriage is often hard to understand and simply too amazing. There’s no formula or fool-proof approach to dating, relationships or marriage that makes everything understandable or removes all mystery. When it comes to men and women doing what is often referred to as “the dance,” there will always be unknowns.
Anyone opening their heart to a relationship with another person, therefore, has to be prepared for risk and vulnerability as they navigate the unknowns. While that’s true, there are ways to clear away some of the mystery that surrounds relationships today and as a result, to reduce the risk and vulnerability that those relationships bring.
There are four simple ways to do this:
1) Be clear and honorable about your intentions. Too much mystery comes from simply not knowing when a date is a date or where a relationship is going once a couple has connected with each other in ways they don’t with their other acquaintances. Men especially have the ability to reduce the mystery for the women in their lives by being clear and honorable in their intentions.
2) Seek out the counsel and support of family members, mentors and friends. Emotions, tough questions and opposite sex mysteries are often best processed in community.
3) Be absolutely pure. The most predictable way to rob a relationship of clarity is to push the boundaries of purity. Physical intimacy was designed to bond a couple and make them one. Outside of the clarity and protection of a marital commitment to oneness, physical intimacy only increases risk and vulnerability.
4) When determining compatibility, ask the clarifying question, “Can we marry to the glory of God?” In a consumer-oriented culture, singles can easily get overwhelmed trying to figure what measures of compatibility matter most. Followers of Christ are called to do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Looks, personality, income, education, chemistry and all other aspects of compatibility mean nothing if the union that’s formed doesn’t glorify God — if the union is unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), or if it is unable to reflect God’s sacrificial love (Eph. 5:1 and 22-33)
Wherever you encounter unknowns, mystery or lack of clarity anywhere in the path to marriage, think about how you’re living out these principles. As we’ve tried to emphasize, these principles won’t remove all the mystery, but they can greatly reduce it and also keep from adding more.
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“There are known knowns; there are things we know we know.
We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns – there are things we do not know we don’t know.”
How is the first way intended to be played out on this website?
Good article!
Very good article!
Awesome article. I hope to see more of this kind of edification on this website.
p.s. I “think” my time zone might be “off” on here. Cos it’s sayin’ I posted that at quarter after midnight…and it’s 9:15 pm where I live.
I went to dinner tonight with some friends and saw first hand what happens when Biblical wisdom is taken out of romance. I have a friend who is suffering a broken heart and another who is still recovering from a guy who was unclear in his intentions. I myself am still dealing with the aftermath of a guy who gave me mixed messages. PLEASE state your intentions when beginning a courtship and do not make promises you do not plan on keeping. A few days ago my best friends boyfriend was saying he was planning on marrying her, yesterday he broke up with her. I am hoping a older, wiser, Godly man will come along side this younge man and show him the error of his ways. To be fare in all of these situations, including my own, the men are not the only ones at fault. Lesson learned.
Great article, and I agree with BlairElizabeth.
I also agree with BlairElizabeth. I am in a similar situation. Step 1 is very important.
Perhaps would the ladies here discuss how a gentlemen should clarify intentions? Certainly guys can not say at the beginning of all pursuits, “I intend to pursue the girl with the intention of marriage”. Depending on time they have known you, context and other concerns, what if they said, “let’s go out x times and see if we can cover the main things I need to know before we decide to move fully forward. What should they say?
I am asking, what do women want for that #1 point to clarify intentions?
Sure… I’ll discuss how a guy should clarify his intentions.
Disclaimer: It’s the middle of the night, so this may not be coherent!
I think the most important thing that guys can do is to not connect with women they are not genuinely interested in romantically “in ways they don’t with their other acquaintances.” For me, the confusion enters the picture when the guy starts treating me as more than an acquaintance or causal friend but doesn’t state any intentions. While I’ve learned — the hard way — to assume that a guy’s intentions are purely platonic until he states otherwise, my heart doesn’t always follow suit. So, to sum that up, a guy should not treat a gal pal as more than a friend if he isn’t ready to state his intentions. Of course, the problem here is that we all have different definitions of what constitutes being more than just friends. That can be resolved through conversation, though. A guy who only wants to be friends could simply just say, “I want to be careful to not push the boundaries of friendship so that I can protect your heart as my sister in Christ. Would you share with me what your boundaries are regarding friendships with the opposite sex?” Conversely, if he wants to be more than just friends, he could say, “Based upon your profile and our conversations, we seem to be compatible and I would like to continue to pursue you intentionally. Could we take some time to discuss expectations, boundaries, and ground rules so that I can be sure to progress with you honourably?”
Secondly, when I’m getting to know a guy online, I look for progression in the relationship. If the guy is letting things progress, then I start to think that he may be leading things toward a romantic involvement, even if he hasn’t explicitly said so. Again, I try hard not to assume, but that’s what goes through my head… Conversely, if a guy begins to pull back, I take that as a sign that he’s not interested romantically in me and pretty much take that idea off of the table. Pulling back could be anything from a guy taking more than 48 hours to respond to a message to his messages becoming very brief and not really fully addressing my previous message. That tells me that he’s not really interested in engaging in conversation with me. To add to the issue of pulling back, I would also say that stagnation indicates to me that a guy isn’t interested romantically. Online, I would say that if I’m communicating with a guy via messages/email for more than a month and he hasn’t asked for my phone number or shown any other signs of moving things forward, then I’m fairly convinced at that point that he’s not interested. So, guys, don’t progress with a woman who you’re not interested in romantically, and, don’t pull back from communication or let things be stagnant if you are interested. If I think that a guy’s not interested in me, then I will not put myself on hold for him. I will move on with getting to know other guys.
Now, if a guy hasn’t explicitly stated that he has romantic intentions, but things have progressed from online to telephone, then I would put myself on hold for awhile to give things a chance there and to see if they continue to progress. I wouldn’t change my status to exploring at that point until the guy actually stated his intentions, but I would, essentially, be closing myself off to other options for awhile. Hopefully, within a month or two of phone calls, the guy would either ask me to “explore” with him or he’d somehow, very gently, say something to me to let me know that he only thinks of me as a friend.
I’m reading over all of this and realize that it’s kind of vague, but I don’t want to get too specific and have anyone think that I’m referring to anyone in particular.
I agree with what wordgirl said. I think she explains pretty well what I would expect.
eameyer – You asked how you should announce your intentions. The clearer you are, the better. Women are known for reading between the lines and if you leave anything inbetween them, we will read what we want there.
In other words, to avoid future heartbreak, go ahead and be perfectly clear. How you suggested of saying it is not far off (at least for me). Being clear up front that this time period is for seeing if there is a possiblity is fine. Letting that time frame go on for months is not (not that you were suggesting that).
Hopefully this helps.
as for #1…clarifying intentions…I agree with the gals who’ve written about being as clear and up-front as possible, being direct about intentions. I also think we women have a responsibility to not read between the lines too much, interpreting every little word and smile as !something!
Sometimes we create our own pain by reading too much into the interactions we have with men, without them being at fault for not having clarified with us.
eameyer,
while I’m certainly not interested in romance for romance’s sake, I would feel a lot of pressure if the guy mentioned marriage and a first date in the same breath
Something like “let’s go out 3 times and then see if we want to move fully forward” sounds like a good suggestion to me. Minimal guesswork there.
I’m wondering, however, (and my thoughts are bleeding over from the earlier “friends” thread) if it’s appropriate (as the non-innitiator) just to assume nothing until a DTR takes place? Not surmising, imagining, planning, obsessing, or granting exclusivity to the relationship until some sort explicit commitment takes place?
I love this article for balancing 2 ideas about mystery: always-existing-mystery in relationships balanced with the need to not-subject-others-to-unnecessary mystery! Great balance! I want to live there, being as direct and clear in my communication as possible and being able to live with and enjoy the mystery of how relationships happen.
This balanced idea of mystery reminds me of a John Piper sermon where he said there IS mystery in the gospel and God and this world. But it is NOT so mysterious that we can know nothing and just throw our hands in the air and say it’s all a mystery. God has graciously revealed so much of the mystery to us about his identity and the world and ourselves…in Jesus! Praise God!
eameyer and to the amazing men on MW- I just got back from a wonderful trip to the coast with two of my close girlfriends. One got married just three months ago the other,like me, is recovering from a broken heart. As we talked the contrast between how the men involved approached the relationships was startling. I am going to call the guy who married my friend guy A and the guy who broke my other friends heart guy B. Guys B is not the same guy who I mentioned in my first comment who just broke up with my friend after saying he planned on marrying her.
Guy A- when he asked my friend for a relationsip he kept it simple. He said I like you and would like to get to know you better. As his affection grew and his intentions changed he let her know. They were engaged after a year of dating.
Guy B- Expressed interest in my friend. They are both about the same age, enjoy a lot of the same things and get along really well. He told my friend that he liked her and “possibly” wanted a relationship. He even met her family and took her to meet his sister and brother in law. He would drive 45 minutes to her house to spend time with her and bought her nice gifts. He made a point to try and spend one on one time with her but abruptly began to ignore her. She tried seek carification but he refused to even respond. He later admitted to her that he was using her to get over his ex.
I have my own story but that would be a very long story lol. I want to say that this is not just something guys do, girls can be just a destructive with their actions. I think both parties need to be honest with themselves and the other party and for goodness sake keep things simple. Like guy A if you just want to get to know her say so. If you change your mind say so. If you dont want to continue a relationship make sure it is a clean break. Remember the person is you sister or brother in Christ before anything else.
Nice and interesting discussion thread. I was on this blog http://www.emotionalpurity.blogspot.com/ that led me to an article on boundless titled your “friendgirl deserves better” http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002508.cfm
This article hit on some very interesting points and some discussed in this thread.
I do know, as I introspect, that I have a responsibility as I strive by God’s grace to seek to grow in biblical womanhood. How I respond to men in my life does add to the story…relationships are not always easy but there are definte blessed “stone markers” (borrowed by auhtor and apologist Ravi Zacharias) that are lessons and teachings of God’s hand. Our communities (church, Bible study, men and women of God) can help us women respond well and keep us accountable in our relationships… and hopefully avoid unecessary headaches. But we musn’t forget that God is also molding us as well.
My dear brothers, may God encourage you as the journey is also not easy for you… may GOD encourage you to grow in biblical manhood. A helpful resource perhaps could be ” The Mark of a Man” by Elizabeth Elliot. Brothers, I know that INTEGRITY is an important quality to strive for… if you get a hint that the girl sees you as more than a friend, based off your actions (and yes sometimes we do read into things so much but we need to help eachother here), take heart and courage immediatley and use WORDS to communicate. SILENCE and walking away hoping that this will “protect” and “communicate” the ‘oups’ is not a PRUDENT option. Pray with a friend, pastor, mentor and help them help you be an man of courage. Your integrity matters… yes, the hurt will perhaps happen, crying might be involved, and the conversation will be difficult but your INTEGRITY, as Christ as your guide, will leave a BEAUTIFUL mark in your “just a lady friend”
. Yes, she might cry, hate for awhile, be very flustered, and scare you 
but she will look back one day (or even in that instant of you owning up to your part) and respect you very much. Be encouraged brothers.
Sisters, I found “Let me be a woman” by Elizabeth Elliot to be good advice from a hero of Faith. May the Lord guide us on our journies.
I enjoyed reading these entries.
@BlairElizabeth, I loved your last paragraph! just “say so” and remember you are brothers and sisters first
That emotional purity blog looks awesome! Thanks for posting the link, 1selahgrace!! =)
Hi @wordgirl…you are welcome and I have been following the blog for about 3-4 years now. If you get a chance read the book she wrote on Emotional Purity. Thanks for your comment on my wall a few weeks ago now. I enjoy reading your entries. Great insight sister!
peace
I will put the book on my list. Thanks for your comment regarding my entries; you’re sweet! =)
@1selahgrace – ditto on those Elliot recommendations. Short and to the point (the books are).
With respects to the First Point 1)
I find that more often than not this is where Everyone goes wrong, putting too much emphasis on things and then working so hard as fast as possible through the rest. It is in this point where Motive and Agenda needs to be UTTERLY Scrutinized By The Truth!!!
What is the driving factor that a man would be pursuing the woman, if t for carnal reasons, the man is not ready and he is running in an energy of deceit and runs a very terrible risks of hurting other people.
At what point is a date a date? What is a date is a question I have never had answered.
I tend to firmly believe that God brings people together, but at what point does it need to be clarified, is something that seems to be misunderstood by and large. Over the last five years I have people do the set up thing on me, and where in one case someone thought we were on a date and came to some conclusions whereby I was made out to be the bad guy over it; I was clueless and looked even worse for being so clueless.
Ten Years ago I was under the impression that Marriage was something that Two People Agreed to Commit to in the presence of God and “Voila!” happily ever after.
There is much work in regards to being open and being made open to marriage.
Now after reading through all of this thread, I now find myself far more in the dark about the “Online” aspect.
WOW!!
Since 1998 I have never dated, as a Christian I don’t know what dating is. Though I have had some past experiences which perhaps could be considered as dating . Two instances that ended Horribly and Painfully for me. The first one was filled with mistakes and no counseling was available to me, I was a brand new Christian and a Zealous Evangelizing Machine, I met a a young woman clse to my age and thought she was a Catholic I knew not any issues, while I began to go to Catholic Church with her to prove one way or the other that there was a Difference we grew together in the midst of a lack of wisdom it was destined for ship wreck immediately and though it was a very traumatic thing, she left the Catholic Church and is Happily Married and has eight possibly nine children now, she got married to a good friend and a brother in the Lord whom came to Faith about a year after I did.
While the second experience was in a part a lack of communication, it carried forward to teach me somethings about What a Woman is and What a Godly Woman Desiring God is, she commenced the relationship and in this time of my life , this relationship too was destroyed by deceit and I abandoned a small group of friends whom were found to be less than friends; I look back over these things and I have to say I am thankful for the things I was spared, and thankful for the things I learned about myself. Elizabeth Elliot, has a lot of wonderful wisdom, Passion and Purity was a very insightful read, and help change a course in my third and last experience with pursuing marriage.
With respects to the First Point 1)
I find that more often than not this is where Everyone goes wrong, putting too much emphasis on things and then working so hard as fast as possible through the rest. It is in this point where Motive and Agenda needs to be UTTERLY Scrutinized By The Truth!!!
What is the driving factor that a man would be pursuing the woman, if t for carnal reasons, the man is not ready and he is running in an energy of deceit and runs a very terrible risks of hurting other people.
At what point is a date a date? What is a date is a question I have never had answered.
I tend to firmly believe that God brings people together, but at what point does it need to be clarified, is something that seems to be misunderstood by and large. Over the last five years I have people do the set up thing on me, and where in one case someone thought we were on a date and came to some conclusions whereby I was made out to be the bad guy over it; I was clueless and looked even worse for being so clueless.
Ten Years ago I was under the impression that Marriage was something that Two People Agreed to Commit to in the presence of God and “Voila!” happily ever after.
There is much work in regards to being open and being made open to marriage.
Now after reading through all of this thread, I now find myself far more in the dark about the “Online” aspect.
WOW!!
Since 1998 I have never dated, as a Christian I don’t know what dating is. Though I have had some past experiences which perhaps could be considered as dating . Two instances that ended Horribly and Painfully for me. The first one was filled with mistakes and no counseling was available to me, I was a brand new Christian and a Zealous in Evangelism, I met a young woman close to my age and though she was a Catholic, I knew not any issues that way to avoid, while I began to go to Catholic Church with her to, prove one way or the other that there was a Difference Biblically, we grew together in the midst of a lack of wisdom it was destined for ship wreck immediately and though it was a very traumatic thing, she left the Catholic Church and is Happily Married and has eight possibly nine children now, after being married to a very good friend (At the Time) and a brother in the Lord whom came to Faith about a year after I did. I returned from a time spent in the Wilds, where I with a small group of friends built a Cabin in the Mountains, I quit using Drugs, and Learned to read Comprehensively. I returned to my home to honor my marriage vows and she was engaged to be married to one of my good friends.
went for a bender to say the least.
While the second experience was in part a lack of wisdom and discernment, it carried forward to teach me somethings about What a Woman is and What a Godly Woman Desiring God is, [she] commenced the relationship and in this time of my life this relationship too was destroyed. At first I thought everything would work out, immediately I didn’t feel [she] knew who she was as a Woman, she was grown up so to speak, I backed away it was a mess as she did not take it well and there was some very turbulent issues in her life which I hope she finds God Grace and Mercy for, about two years ago she popped up on my FB and we keep in contact as friends but we don’t say much I am certain she is not Alive in Christ.
I look back over these things and I have to say I am thankful for the things I was spared, and thankful for the things I learned altogether but mostly what I learned about myself.
YES!!! Elizabeth Elliot, has a lot of wonderful wisdom, ‘Passion and Purity’ was a very insightful read, and help change a course of my last experience with pursuing marriage.
As a man, I am now aware to some extent, for having so many Married Friends surrounding me, that marriage is a Road of Trial to which there is no vacation, it is supposed to be the ultimate calling of a Man, and it ought to be. I don’t see it as I once did, being some magical fairy tale where everything, page for page, occurs like marriage is some Easy Button Pushed to make the rest of my life occur, and while I long to be Married to The One Woman, I will remain to praise the Lord for carrying me through each new day, and I look forward to becoming more and more transformed into the Likeness of His Son, being made into the Man God has called me to be, no matter what defines as being rain, wind or storm. I would like to encourage other men out there to reflect upon Their own heart, and be certain they leave nothing hidden before the Lord, as we all know that Nothing can Hide from Him, HE KNOWS it all and SEES it all.
God knows our every weakness, thought, and inclination, walking honestly before all mankind is a free gift from the Lord, finding strength to be Genuinely Godly as a Man is a Formation through Faith, Hope and Love. We are called to a journey in these things, for a purpose of His Kingdom, loosing sight of this brings aspects of failure which in many cases is unnecessary, while we remain to be sinners our whole lives in space and time, we can be assured that Christ will finish that which He set out to do, as Being the Author and Finisher of our Faith, and this I am believing is true for Marriage as well.
Not that I have any answers for the questions.