You Never Marry the Right Person
by Candice Gage
Relevant Magazine recently posted an excerpt of Timothy Keller’s new book, The Meaning of Marriage. In it, Keller makes the point that we can never marry the right person. Check out this excerpt:
In generations past, there was far less talk about “compatibility” and finding the ideal soul-mate. Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires, and this creates an unrealistic set of expectations that frustrates both the searchers and the searched for…
The Bible explains why the quest for compatibility seems to be so impossible. As a pastor I have spoken to thousands of couples, some working on marriage-seeking, some working on marriage-sustaining and some working on marriage-saving. I’ve heard them say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should come naturally.” In response I always say something like: “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball’? Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative’?” The understandable retort is: “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul-mates. “
The Christian answer to this is that no two people are compatible. Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas … gives us the first reason that no two people are compatible for marriage, namely, that marriage profoundly changes us. But there is another reason. Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered—living life incurvatus in se. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love … ?” That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. So the biblical doctrine of sin explains why marriage—more than anything else that is good and important in this fallen world—is so painful and hard.
As we walk the path to marriage, it is easy to get caught up in finding the “right” person as defined by our own preferences and personal standards. This sets us up to become discouraged and disappointed when we enter relationships only to discover that the other person is, after all, as fallen as we are.
The world would have us move on at this point and keep searching for our elusive soul mate. Christian love, however, calls us to something higher – “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
We should look for a person whose life demonstrates an active and growing faith – someone who loves God and others, someone who doesn’t practice sin. This is the kind of fallen and imperfect person we can grow with. Searching for something more will only leave us bitter, dissatisfied – and most likely, single.
I’m going to pick up a copy of Keller’s book as soon as I can.
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I especially like this line: “Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered…”
I am often amazed by the fact that people in general experience some of the same problems. I would say the difference lies in how people respond to whatever challenge they face.
I have been in Nashville for the past week and had opportunities to meet, observe, and watch so-called “celebrities.” I guess in my shallow mind I thought there was something different about them that led to them being famous, instead they are simply people like you and me who happen to be talented or got a big-break. Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so much higher for celebrities, because of pressure to perform or being in the public spotlight 24/7.
I think a good place to start is knowing and admitting to our areas of brokeness so it doesn’t become a big surprise later on. Marriage is a union between a male and female- both broken people- who make a committment to live together and serve God.
Thanks for sharing this snapshot of Keller’s new book. Looks like I will have to add this to my reading list.
One last thought, I think it is possible that at times we make “compatibility” an idol. In the past I thought life didn’t begin til I graduated from high school, then it was college, then it was getting the right job, and now it’s getting married. But about four years ago I realized that my life is NOW… and if I sit and wait for x, y, and z to happen then my life will pass me by.
Sound advice: “earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
We should look for a person whose life demonstrates an active and growing faith – someone who loves God and others, someone who doesn’t practice sin.”
Many blessings!
Opps. Sorry for the typo, I was trying to quote this last line: “We should look for a person whose life demonstrates an active and growing faith – someone who loves God and others, someone who doesn’t practice sin.”
I certainly recommend it. I’m reading through it myself, and I’m looking for other recommended reading (aside from the plethora of articles here at MW
regarding the false ideas we learned from society concerning dating, commitment, and marriage. When I came across the excerpt, it certainly shook my thoughts. I like the realistic view of marriage that Mr. and Mrs. Keller paint in their book. It’s certainly a question worth asking someone that I’m considering for marriage.
Excellent thoughts. I really appreciate the depth in this article and it’s aim at the roots of our beliefs about marriage. I’ve already been thinking along these lines (there’s no “perfect” someone) so I really like reading his take on the subject. He’s challenging in a good way.
Fully agreed with you Mr. Jonathan.
Knowing our own brokenness, our areas where we fall short, I think will definitely change the way problems and differences are handled once they, inevitably, become and issue within the marriage itself. Thank God for couples like these that lay it down plain so that people like us will always keep a biblical perspective so that we can maximize God’s glory!!
Another helpful article Candice! I think I will look into getting this book as well. Currently listening to Mark & Grace Driscoll’s book Real Marriage which also just came out.
Cdadvance3, some good books Levi and I’ve come across are:
-Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem
-Momentary Marriage by John Piper
-Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
-Real Marriage by Mark&Grace Driscoll as I meantioned above
There are many many good books out there, but above all we must remember to keep Scripture and what it says as the highest view. In fact Sola Scriptura should be our motto. Books like these are useful in helping to ‘flesh out’ what the Scripture says, but they are commentary and should be read through the screen of the Bible.
Great article, Candice. I will add the book to my list, as well as the ones that Erin mentioned (thanks, Erin!). I have the Driscolls’ book on order and am excited to get it. Their sermon series on the book started yesterday, and you can listen to those online, for anyone interested.
I really like what Jonathan said: “But about four years ago I realized that my life is NOW… and if I sit and wait for x, y, and z to happen then my life will pass me by.” I’ve thought that before, too, and I hate that I’ve wasted years thinking that I would hold off on certain things until I was married. About a dozen years ago, God very clearly called me to the *little* ministry I do now (which you can read about on my profile if you’re so inclined), but I wasted a lot of time because I had this idea in my head that it was better that I not get started with that until I had a husband to support me (emotionally). What I realized finally is that I was putting this future husband (that I may never even have) above God. It was like I was saying, “God, you’re not able to meet my emotional needs, and I don’t trust that you can equip me to do what you’re calling me to do, so I’m going to go find a husband to do that instead.” And that was very wrong; it’s wrong to put our faith in man. We do well to keep that in mind in our search for a mate. There isn’t any perfect person out there who is going to be able to handle my past and my life with perfection, and it’s unfair (and unrealistic) of me to place that kind of burden on a man. God is the only right “person,” and whomever I end up marrying will fall short of that standard… Part of the purpose of marriage is sanctification and growing closer to that standard, but no one walks into marriage like that.
Thanks Candace for the article. And thanks for all your comments. I’m learning so much by being on MW and I’m grateful for it. I’ve been hearing this same thing a lot lately that – you don’t meet the right person but you become the right person. God must be trying to tell me something. This must be my time to continue becoming the right person.
I’m really glad this was a subject for the lodge – it seemed to be making the update rounds, so its good we can all weigh in communally.
There are many things I like, can rubber stamp, and pass on as good core knowledge about marriage. Those will be in my “yea & amen” response below. And I can always appreciate a well written, in-depth article, which I think this is. But there are also things about the article that give me pause. So I’m leading off with those. If you’d rather just hear the agreement alone, skip to the second post.
• “The Christian answer to this is that no two people are compatible. Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas…gives us the first reason that no two people are compatible for marriage, namely, that marriage profoundly changes us.” •
No two people are compatible, really? Were that true, we wouldn’t have friendships, because that is the core of what ties those relationships together, as opposed to things such as profession/calling (where you bond around the task), family (where you bond because of genetic similarity), or faith (where you bond around a particular belief). And I think we’ve all experienced how some friendships required work, while others seem to happen more naturally. I’d say the underlying reason is compatibility.
But to talk about the specifics of the passages, I agree with Hauerwas that we profoundly change because of marriage. I actually think we profoundly change as we live, period. But just because we change, doesn’t mean there isn’t a constant core that makes us unique from one another. Chart your life through the decades – I’m sure you’ll see areas where you’re drastically different from what you once were, while others are remarkably the same. Finding compatibility is sometimes about lining up the consistent traits of your being with another’s. In addition, while people can radically surprise you, there are some changes you can loosely build a trajectory for. It’s similar to weather. We never truly know what the forecast will hold, and sometimes it behaves in radical patterns we couldn’t begin to guess. But other times, if we pay attention, we can get an idea of the possible variances.
One of the questions I had about the piece is that if you can never know a person, then what kind of impact does that have on who you decide to marry? There has to be some kind of knowing of the person. It seems the idea is more you can never “truly” know the person, to which I would heartily agree; only Jesus can do that. But without that qualifier, it is a different concept.
The other reason Keller cites, I agree with in theory absolutely – that marriage is a union of humans broken by sin – but that doesn’t prove that people are incompatible. If anything, the examples he uses seems to prove it.
I want to look more closely at the writing example, since I am not going to be a professional bball player anytime soon, but who wouldn’t like to write the great american novel?!
:
• “Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should come naturally.” In response I always say something like: “Why believe that?…Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative’?” The understandable retort is: “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul-mates.”
…Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work.” •
I agree partially. What makes both writing (and marriage it appears) difficult is the other. Yes, you can write great characters based on technique, but what makes a character believable will inherently lie in the mind of the audience, because part of what makes someone believable to them will be determined by the combination of their knowledge and life experience. That elasticity is often a benefit. But you can research a character down to the bones, if the person doesn’t believe that character can exist, s/he will render it unbelievable.
But when you are creative writing (since he specifically references novels), no – it should not be all, or mainly, arduous. Is it work? Yes, in that you can’t just snap your fingers and *poof* story!
But when you are writing, there is a natural excitement that wells within you, that defies logic, or reason, and yes, the enormity of the work. I’d say it should feel like play; at the least, its the play that allows your creativity to flow freely. And you know, some people do have poof experiences when writing their stories. If it becomes that difficult, there are outlying issues that have to be reconciled. Or…the endeavor is not for you. Isn’t that how we define our calling? What resonates within us on a level that exceeds logistical breakdown of our skills and weaknesses?
The connection to marriage is this: yes, marriage will be work, and yes there are unforeseen speed bumps, detours, and bridge collapses that you’ll encounter. But there should be an ease, and a, dare I say it, natural inclination that you will have towards the person you marry. If not, that will just make marriage all the harder to work through. And without some compatibility, how are you uniting in marriage? We could basically just assess everyone’s spiritual growth, and then you find the group you’re in, throw a dart, and whoever’s face you hit, you marry.
Keller likens marriage to a haven in a heartless world (I like the imagery!). But what’s a haven comprised of? What will be solace to my soul can be vastly different from someone else. And if person x doesn’t provide what I am looking for, but what the other person needs, isn’t that the essence of person x not being compatible with me, but to another?
While the world is assessed with idealizing the idea of soul-matism (which I don’t think is exactly true, but that’s a tangent), I think here specifically we ere too much in countering it, and that seems especially so if we are going to throw out compatibility in its entirety.
What it seems so many these days are fighting, and rightfully so, is the idea of seeking perfection in a partner. It’s not compatibility they are looking for, but 100% compatibility in all things desired. That search is destructive, and should be challenged.
But no, I don’t think the christian answer is that no two people are compatible. I think while it is always based on scripture, it varies for each individual believer. I have seen compatible couples. Usually they were a combination of things they worked through, and things that just fit, so it does exist.
So, like I said above, there were many things I appreciated about the article. I liked how it takes a direct stab at countering the sometimes mulitude of superficial reasons we may want to not partner with someone…short, black socks indeed, lol. My favorite line?:
• “This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you.” •
I also liked the underpinning idea of loving “the stranger to whom you find yourself married.” It acknowledges the fact that sometimes your partner will radically change as life moves. So many are bothered by that; they want to keep their spouse exactly the way they married them. Also, the emphasis on sin-broken people uniting was greatly appreciated, since I think sometimes that can be covered up, or get blurred away in the throws of a passionate affair.
I actually think its comforting, because like he said, there will inevitably come a time where you will wake up and truly wonder if you know the person whose sleeping next to you. For a few, they don’t (I’m thinking of that Lifetime show as I type…I think its Lifetime), but for many they just need a confirmation to keep pressing on.
Lastly, I thought this segment was summed up by Keller wonderfully:
• “The hard times of marriage drive us to experience more of this transforming love of God. But a good marriage will also be a place where we experience more of this kind of transforming love at a human level.” •
No disagreement out of me on that!
Again, a very good read, and a book I can definitely add to my list of eventual reads.
Thanks Again.
“So, we shouldn’t look for common interests, temperments, or callings? Even deal-breakers are just shallow things that we must discard?”
I don’t see where the article says this. Or implies anything close to it, for that matter. Anywhere. Care to enlighten me?
Thank you for posting this excellent article. There’s a lot of wisdom here. Ultimately, I think Keller is urging Christians to pursue a marriage based on grace, not strict adherence to certain lists of desired qualities or absence of “fatal flaws.”
Certainly, there must be a common foundation in Christ, agreement on direction, calling and that sort of thing for a relationship. But all too often, I think, it’s shallow excuses that scare folks away.
In the full article Keller explains how trite some of the “deal breakers” were for some people:
> “She mispronounced ‘Goethe.’”
> “How could I take him seriously after seeing The Road Less Traveled on his bookshelf?”
> “If she would just lose seven pounds.”
> “Sure, he’s a partner, but it’s not a big (law) firm. And he wears those short black socks.”
> “Well, it started out great … beautiful face, great body, nice smile. Everything was going fine—until she turned around.” He paused ominously and shook his head. ”… She had dirty elbows.”
Dirty elbows. Wow.
Here’s the full article:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person
In response to the above comment, most deal-breakers that Christians would have relate to sin issues, so if someone has a stronghold of of sin over his or her life that he or she is not working actively to overcome, I think that would fit into what Candice said: “We should look for a person whose life demonstrates an active and growing faith – someone who loves God and others, someone who doesn’t practice sin. This is the kind of fallen and imperfect person we can grow with.”
Now, if someone has a deal-breaker that isn’t biblical, I would question whether there needs to be such a deal-breaker. Using the example of someone wanting to have children being a deal-breaker, it would be wise to question the reasoning behind not wanting children. If the reason is something the involves selfishness — like that children would take time away from hobbies — or one of not trusting God — like that He will not provide both the emotional and physical resources — then I think that the person who doesn’t want children needs to take a hard look at his (or her) life and ask God for some help with prioritizing and such. Children are a blessing and if someone has no desire to welcome a blessing from God into his or her life, I would suspect that there is a deeper issue going on that goes far beyond compatibility. There is a difference between compatibility between two people and suitability of someone for a Christian marriage. If someone is having a suitability issue (such as extreme selfishness or needing to work through something like a past sexual assault), then the issue is one of suitability, and said person needs to work on becoming suitable before they even think about compatibility with another person.
As far as the needless pain goes, being honest and treating each other as brother and sister in Christ can prevent quite a bit of that. Thinking back to my own romantic entanglements gone wrong, much of the pain was caused by dishonesty and the pushing of boundaries. Lack of compatibility really only causes pain when someone hasn’t been upfront and honest and has led the other person to believe that compatibility was there when, in fact, it wasn’t.
Hmmm. The comment I responded to isn’t showing up now.
@wordgirl – “Hmmm. The comment I responded to isn’t showing up now.”
Hey wordgirl!
Was your post link heavy (which btw, just means about 3 links or more)? Many times I’ve found that when I have several links in my post, it will show up later, and in the initial order it would’ve posted, but it takes more time (probably to verify that it’s not spam).
If you didn’t, you got me! But hopefully it shows up. Sorry if it doesn’t.
thanks.
@syntyche- It was someone else’s post that isn’t showing now. The same post that Bryan quoted. There weren’t any links in it. It was there when I started replying, and then when I submitted my reply and was scrolling back up, I noticed it wasn’t there. I just wanted to say something so that it wouldn’t seem like my post was in response to Flint (it’s not).
Anyway, thanks for your help =)
Interesting article! I’ve just finished listening to Andy Stanley’s series “The New Rules for Love Sex and Dating”. In part one of the series, he asks the listeners if they are “becoming the person you are looking for is looking for.” That is something I have been thinking a lot about lately and I see a thread in this article and the comments that relates to that. It is good to realize that we just can’t wait for the “right” person to love well and expect them to help us become the person God desires us to be. I’ve been thinking about what that means on the practical level. What can we do on a practical level to develop healthy relational patterns, become “the person you are looking for is looking for” and work to use the gifts God gives us?
Thoughts?
”How can you learn unconditional love if you’re married to a woman who meets all of your conditions? How can you practice grace to a woman who does everything right?” (Paul Washer)
A friend of mine just posted this link from the Atlantic magazine. It is a letter from John Steinbeck to his son about falling in love. Here is the link:
http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2012/01/john-steinbeck-on-falling-in-love-a-1958-letter/251375/
I look forward to reading your comments.
Art… Wow! That’s an awesome letter from a father to his son on the subject of love. Thanks for sharing it.
I agree that it is very important in any relationship to remember that we are all imperfect beings. It can be easy to forget when you are looking for the perfect spouse, but you need to keep your expectations reasonable.
Awesome post…so do you believe in “the one” or do you at least believe that there are people out there that are better for you than others?
If Perfection was a Mandate God would never have Promised us that His grace is Sufficient, nor would His Cross be something that we as His Children in Light would have to Cling to.
God allowing the fall of man in the garden of Eden produced the perfect Contrast, and Background needed to reveal His light in Mercy and Love, Oh what an Example of Perfect Love and Sacrificial Love at that have we in Him.
I have not been through Tim Keller’s Marriage series yet, I Love Tim Keller, very Humble man, whom is dedicated to seeking God’s Wisdom.