Advice from a Successful Online Dater

by Motte Brown

I ran across this article from Ally Spotts on RelevantMagazine.com about her online engagement story. It’s full of useful information for online daters and touches on some of the dating principles we try to encourage here on Marry Well. Things like being careful your connection doesn’t outpace your communication and involving family and friends.

Here are some of the big themes (my wording) of her story with corresponding excerpts:

Get over the stigma of online dating.

There is a bit of a stigma surrounding online dating, although there shouldn’t be. One in six relationships that led to marriage last year started from an online connection, a fact that doesn’t surprise me since I’m meeting more and more people who have found love online. …

There’s nothing wrong with meeting online, but for some reason I’m still afraid that when people hear the story of how I met Darrell, they’re going to think I’m a crazy person.

Don’t let your connection outpace your communication.

When you first “meet” someone online, it’s easy to think you’re really attracted to them because all you can see is what they put on their profile—which is all the good stuff. The level of attraction you feel for someone can only be as big as the percentage of what you know about them and, in the beginning at least, that’s really small.

Keep things moving forward.

When Darrell and I first started talking, I was really afraid to move forward with him. He helped to ease my fear by giving me small prods to move forward in the relationship.

We would end a phone conversation and he would say: “I really enjoyed talking to you tonight. Can I call you again tomorrow?” After a couple of phone conversations he said: “I want you to know that I’m calling you because I like you and I’m really interested in getting to know you better. Is that OK?”

He didn’t ask me to date him when he didn’t know me, and he didn’t make any promises he couldn’t keep. He asked for small commitments that were warranted by the relationship we had established and invited me to step into them.

Involve your friends and family.

Even though I was hesitant to invite everyone into the process in the beginning, I was strategic and intentional about who I brought into the process and when. I told my sister and her husband after Darrell booked my plane ticket and they both took turns talking to him on the phone.

Before I flew to Minneapolis, Darrell Skyped with my parents to introduce himself since we both anticipated I might be gone a couple of weeks.

Since then, as we’ve traveled together, we’ve Skyped, talked and texted with all the people who are important to us, sharing the process of our relationship with them, receiving their cautions, blessings and even critiques.

Our relationship is stronger because of the support of our family and friends.

Read the entire article for more helpful insights. And if you have some advice based on your experience dating online, please share them here or email us at info@marrywell.org. Maybe we could have a running, user-generated advice column.

1. mike said the following on January 4, 2012 at 6:29 pm

   

   I wonder what she looked like. That certainly has a significant impact on your online dating success.
2. mike said the following on January 4, 2012 at 6:30 pm

   

   Never mind. Found her photo. Not surprised she had success.
3. 1selahgrace said the following on January 5, 2012 at 11:32 am

   

   Mike, not to be mean or anything (and I mean this) but I can’t help but ask do you really think it was her photo only that gave success? If you care, can you unpack your comment so that I don’t assume anything here ? Thanks Mike.

   I appreciate Darrell’s approach and great article.
4. mike said the following on January 5, 2012 at 12:50 pm

   

   @1selahgrace,

   Certainly not. But I’m not naive nor ignorant to realize that in online dating, a good photo often is the doorway to getting to know somebody better.

   The stats clearly play this out. No photo or an “unattractive” one will not garner many views, while an attractive one will give you plenty of attention.

   I’m simply saying her appearance definitely gave her an advantage in the online realm.
5. 1selahgrace said the following on January 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

   

   @Mike
   Thanks for your response, I appreciate it. You are right in what you said. I guess to be honest I was also sensitive to the fact that your comment was “just that” as a comment….I would hope that there is more than a photo.
   But I do know, thank you for the explanation, that reading and what you were saying was not to come across in any other way…and I will rest on the fact that you were refering to online dating (and obviously-missed that– talking to myself) realm.

   Thanks for taking the time to respond and for the clarification Mike! Great discussion.

   Blessings
6. gracedchick said the following on January 5, 2012 at 10:31 pm

   

   I like the part about involving your friends and family. I think it would be more challenging being online, but all the more important to help anyone keep things in perspective.
7. Gene said the following on January 6, 2012 at 2:23 am

   

   I agree with what Mike has said. With that, I am about to read Ally Spotts’s article.
8. ashmic said the following on January 10, 2012 at 10:46 pm

   

   Great tips! Thanks for re-posting it Motte.
9. man said the following on January 13, 2012 at 5:44 pm

   

   The two rules for successful online dating:

   1- Be attractive
   2- Don’t be unattractive.