Nobody’s Getting Married
by Motte Brown
Well, maybe not nobody. But according to the latest Pew data, the marriage rate is at an all time low.
From ABC News:
In 1960, 72 percent of U.S. adults age 18 and older were married compared with 51 percent today. The median age when adults decide to finally take that big step is also the highest its ever been for both men and women — 26.5 and 28.7 respectively.
The most dramatic decline in marriage occurred among those 18-29. Just 20 percent of them are now married; 59 percent were married in 1960.
[W. Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia] said that people felt more comfortable postponing marriage until their late 20s and early 30s these days. He said the 20s were viewed as the “odyssey years,” and a time to “find yourself.”
For many, Wilcox added, marriage is still viewed as an economic institution, not just about love and living happily ever after.
“People are looking for a soul mate but also a person with a decent job,” he said today. “The bar has been raised. Expectations are higher.”
How low will it go? How low can it go before society crumbles?
Pew, which examined U.S. Census data, said that other living arrangements — including cohabitation, single-person households and single-parents households – were becoming more prevalent. The number of new marriages fell by 5 percent between 2009 and 2010.
Wilcox said that while U.S. adults without college degrees were marrying less, they increasingly were having children in nonmarital situations.
“In the minds of Americans, getting married and becoming parents are two different things,” he said. “Their top priority is being a parent, second to having a successful marriage. People have separated the two things. Years ago, they were closely linked to one another.”
“The bottom line is that kids are experiencing more instability and more hardship because the adults are less likely to get and stay married,” Wilcox said.
I think this cultural trend is one of the reasons why more and more people are dating online — it helps you weed out the people who are still trying to find themselves from those who are trying to find a spouse. That’s definitely true for members of Marry Well.
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Knock me over with a feather.
“How low can it go?”
Combine free sex, cohabitation, divorce laws, career minded individuals, artificial insemination, lack of stigma, and the results shouldn’t be surprising to see.
The answer is “pretty darn low”.
Mike, don’t forget about widespread access to “on demand” abortion.
A nation that does not even protect unborn children in the womb is certainly not going to have a high view of marriage and family.
(starts sarcasm rant)Yes, of course….throw all sorts of pessimistic data! That will draw users to the site! I think in some ways this post is a caricature that highlights and magnifies the relational choices of popular culture while ignoring some glaringly obvious points:
-Even if all three things changed in our culture-marriages were harder to dissolve and enter for economic reasons, abortions were banned, and everyone was focused on materialistic things, the individual still has a decision to make: they can capitulate to societal pressure bu conforming to be the mold of what culture wants(and that includes churchianity too), or they can be an original and do what is right.
I am amazed that so many Christians expect “the world” to reflect God’s way of doing things and being right, especially when it comes to marriage and family. News flash! It’s the world! They don’t know how to love and connect with others because they are not connected to the source embodinent of what they seek.
I hate to break to you guys, but dating online is an option to meeting people with common priorities and values, but you still live in one OFFLINE with people whose priorities and values are different than yours. I am not saying to compromise what you believe in, but I am saying that online dating should SUPPLEMENT your social interactions with men and women of the opposite sex, NOT REPLACE IT. Besides, eventually the online dating will produce the fruit of a FACE TO FACE REAL TIME interaction.
Questions to clarify the survey. Does this number cost of single never married only or does it include those who have been married and divorced? Also I’d like to see the data broken down by various demographics: age, race, religion, socio-economic class, college education, employment status, etc.
Times have changed greatly from our parents generation (1950s-1970s) compared to today. Previous articles have described some of the hypothetical reasons people today choose to wait. But by and large, I’d encourage people to not give up, don’t lose hope. All is not lost. God is a good God, and if He’s destined you to be married… then you will marry.
Interesting article, but the way the media spins this story it’s all to simply get ratings.
@LadyElaine80, I really appreciate your comment with regard to this article. I do think that social/online dating networks should compliment our social settings, not replace them. It is true that we need to continue to work on social skills with real live people, because we will one day meet whomever we’re talking with online face-to-face.
Just makes me sad!
In some ways this article comforts me.
It’s been tempting for me to believe that the reason I haven’t married is because I’m not worth marrying/not attractive etc. Data that shows that the culture is not marrying helps me be rational with those thoughts, and gives me hope that it’s not all my fault that I’m not married. Still being single is also due to the beliefs and attitude of my generation… I guess the pool of God loving, marriage minded folks is smaller for us.
Thanks @Jonathanarm and LadyElaine very good points! As for those who think they are not getting married bc of this report…..ah guess again, this is not a solid reason for you, as Jonathan said if God wants you to be married then in His sovereignty you will be, in the mean time be purposeful in obedience to Him. Marriage is Second to Him. You are first to Him via the cross: )
I think marriage should be outlawed and sites like this closed down.
Ahhh…. @ electricman, hmmmm not sure what to say for I fear you may just be trying to get a rise up out of someone like me who is slightly concerned and smiling.
I agree with “blhardy” It makes me sad.
Is it really so wrong to discuss these things? Websites I have been to, despite how specific its mission, always allowed for off-topic, or alternative dialog on a variety of issues. Considering that this site is for the marriage-minded, this doesn’t even seem off topic. Why not discuss the cultural trends in terms of marriage? Or – do we really not care about current events? Whether we get married or not, the general trend of society will have an impact on marriages, on laws, and possibly a whole host of other blatant or subtle aspects of living in the states.
Also, why the dichotomy between us and the world? To quote that old song – we are the world! Now, we can make that separation if we refer to the specific study cited at the end of the abc article, since the population size was only a little over 2,500. But the pew research is based on census data. I am included in that data. And unless you’ve opted not to be represented (which some people do on moral grounds or more…nefarious reasons, lol) then you are included in that data. We are all there. Moreover, last time I checked, the super majority believes in a god, the majority considers itself christian, and I think the majority under that is still protestant. So, to a certain extent, those numbers represent us as well.
In fact, I was thinking that this may not only represent the christian community, but also the population here. I mean it’s one thing to say one is intentional, but does that really match the actions of the participants? For instance, 40 engaged couples (80 united persons) sounds huge. But how many people are on marrywell? If it was out of 100 people that would be awesome! If it was out of 500 people, then it’d be 16% which is still pretty good. If it were out of 5,000 people, well, you get the point. Perhaps our numbers here reflect the pew research more than we would like to think.
How long will it take society to crumble? Well, I think that really depends on how we are assessing what society is. It could morph into something that is just different. There seem to be other factors (unfortunately in play now) that is a quicker, and more obvious litmus test of the state of our society. When you add those to the declining marriage rate, then it becomes a fatal cauldron. But it’s all new territory – who knows what that would look like, you know?
The only pause I gave to the article was not in the numbers – they are what they are. It was in some of the conclusions drawn from the numbers.
“…Wilcox…said that people felt more comfortable postponing marriage until their late 20s and early 30s these days. He said the 20s were viewed as the “odyssey years,” and a time to “find yourself.”
That just doesn’t ring true for me; not that it isn’t for everyone, but that seems like a fraction, and you can’t really extrapolate it onto the whole of unmarried people during that time. It just doesn’t gel with what I’ve seen on the ground. Maybe the key is in what’s not said, specifically why; why is it that this is seen as a time of exploration for those in their 20′s and early 30′s?
From what I’ve seen, yes, there are some people who take longer to discover themselves than others. But many others are doing it as a default. When you find yourself without prospects, without opportunities, what is left to do, but further delve within? This is especially true of the women I’ve encountered/read about. They would love to be in a relationship and/or married, but in the meantime they, well, they live. And yes, they do discover things about them they hadn’t realized before, but they could have gladly done that with a partner as well.
I also think there is something hiding under the surface of the dialogue, that may not be gotten at with general surveys: fear. I believe it seriously is driving a lot of hesitancy towards marriage. Sometimes an elder who pushes career first, and achievement (on either gender) is not necessarily doing it for the love of the call. They are looking at the landscape and are afraid that seeking a spouse is like searching for fool’s gold. Sometimes the people who just want to find themselves are using it as a stalling tactic, afraid of pulling the trigger and landing into divorce, like so many others around them. I think this is also true in the christian community. However, since we know we are supposed to trust God in all things, and not be afraid, the very human emotion gets pushed down, qualified, or otherwise hidden.
Some other random thoughts:
@LadyElaine80 – “Yes, of course….throw all sorts of pessimistic data! That will draw users to the site!”
Hi Lady!
I didn’t actually think it was all that pessimistic perse, more like what you usually advocate: being real, and calling a spade a spade. And I guess I speculated that Motte either wanted to draw attention to it to cause self-reflection on our part, or even highlight the issues in the greater society so that if there is someone in our sphere of influence, perhaps we can encourage him/her to get married, and not be yet another voice denigrating the institution.
“Even if all…things changed…the individual still has a decision to make:”
I highlighted that because I think that is the most interesting, and toughest, part of the desire to get married. I am beginning to think it is easier to walk on water, and call down lightning. Why? The water, and the winds, they obey the Lord. Humans, not so much. It is God’s gift to us (free will, that is). So marriage requires not just your obedience, but that of your future spouse as well, and if s/he is not willing, then God is not going to force him/her. And then, what if that starts happening on a massive scale? Marriage is a mystery on so many levels.
@jonathanarm – “Also I’d like to see the data broken down by various demographics: age, race, religion, socio-economic class, college education, employment status, etc.”
The cool thing about this being government based is that the info is probably out there, though it may take some work to track it down.
But we do get one interesting glimpse at class and how it reflects marriage. I’ll pull a few lines:
“…Wilcox…said that marriage had been “in retreat” in the last 40 years and that • the decline had accelerated since the recession started in 2008. • ”
“Wilcox said that while • U.S. adults without college degrees were marrying less, • they increasingly were having children in nonmarital situations.”
Hope the dots weren’t distracting. But even from this brief article we are already getting a that finances and specifically education is playing a larger role in determining whether you marry of not, from a macro level. Even the number that says that 50% of people eventually divorce changes when you look at it through the lens of education. I read it elsewhere, but for those with an undergrad or higher it drops to around 33%.
But all of those breakdowns are really interesting, and I also wouldn’t mind hypothesizing off them.
“Interesting article, but the way the media spins this story it’s all to simply get ratings.”
I agree with you that you, one rather, needs to look at all content with a discerning eye. But don’t give up on media just yet. journalists do have their place in this society to be the watchdogs for trends that may go unnoticed. And this seems to be the case here. It’s kind of hard not to take a 5% national drop in new marriages in any way other than a grim warning. Anthropologists and the like are troubled when civilizations change within a few percentage points over longer periods of time, and that occurred in one solitary year. If this is where we want society to go, so be it? But what I think is happening is that it is slowly morphing into something that people may not like, but will figure it out when it is too late. So I am glad for articles like these – even if sometimes you have to filter out the sensation; though I have to say I didn’t sense it here.
@blhardy – “Just makes me sad!”
You and me both! Especially since I know and know of people who really do want to get married, and for whatever reason aren’t.
electricman – “I think marriage should be outlawed and sites like this closed down.”
The interesting thing about that idea in general, to me, is that it would really only hurt christians. Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder what would happen? Because of the way the U.S. is structured, there is a government component to marriage, but technically you don’t need it. People could still get married under the eyes of God. In fact, we’ve seen that paradigm already: in slavery. They were banned from getting married, and married anyway. And the number one objective for the vast majority of newly freed slaves (after the civil war) was to find spouses and/or children.
I think that is what is lost sometimes when we discard how the world sees marriage. The desire to couple is powerful. Those may naysay the institution, but they seem to value, respect, and indulge in companionship. The article even highlights this. They are still living together, buying houses, having babies. What they are not doing is officially getting married. And because of that, it doesn’t seem as difficult to change the nation to desiring marriage proper again.
All in all, I felt these were good things to think about. Thank you Motte for highlighting the news piece.
I think the issue of “Why aren’t Christians getting married?” is a horse that has been beaten into a mushy pulp. Despite all my observations and information I have read in articles, it’s something that truly baffles me because Christians out to be bucking the trends of the world, and sadly we are not.
Some important facts: the younger the marriage age, the higher the divorce rate. Yes, the average age of marriage is increasing, but the divorce rate is decreasing. People who wait and marry when they are more mature are more likely to have marriages that last.
Given a choice between marrying early and marrying well, I think we ought to encourage people to Marry Well.
Well said psalm67!
I’m for one glad that I don’t hinge my dating and marrying decisions based on statistics… Or through analyzing them, it’s just an excuse and distraction from the reality…. What is going on in our lives that we areI not married? And what is our role in getting there?
@4lizjo: Maybe it’s because we’re too picky!
Most people tend to analyze a lot over someone until they get to “the one”! It’s a wonder why people are still single or why some unbelievers do better than Christian men in terms of pursuing a woman. Also, marriage may be have been pushed later until one realizes that they want to get married. Why aren’t we getting married? It’s a combination of factors we can and cannot control. Until we realize that, or meet spouses when we meet them, we will still be single. People like to use God’s sovereignty but we also have a human responsibility.
Psalm67 said,
“Some important facts: the younger the marriage age, the higher the divorce rate. Yes, the average age of marriage is increasing, but the divorce rate is decreasing. People who wait and marry when they are more mature are more likely to have marriages that last.”
This is more myth than fact. The truth is that maturity and preparation matter much more than age. And research supports the case for early marriage.
Here is an excerpt from a Q&A from Focus on the Family on “the best age to marry”:
“There is not a great wealth of research on this question, but there is some good data that can be helpful to young men and women and their parents. And good scholars disagree on the topic to small degrees, but there is a general window where most agree.
Two of the best sources are Norval Glenn1 (UT, Austin) and Paul Amato2 (Penn State).
Professor Glenn in his recent published study, drawing from five different American data sets, explains,
‘The greatest…likelihood of being in an intact marriage of the highest quality is among those who married at age 22-25.’3
He explains that marriages formed at ages later than this fared very well in survival, but ‘rather poorly’ in quality.”
Thank you Motte because I have friends who married young and aren’t divorced. It’s all about maturity. Maybe those who married young and divorced were not mature but I’m curious where Psalm 67 got the facts because it could be true too…perhaps without factoring the maturity level.
I was excite to see Motte actually respond (Thank you Motte!), I hadn’t seen it since the very old lodge threads. Unfortunately, the response left me with more questions.
• The truth is that maturity and preparation matter much more than age. •
I agree with this wholeheartedly. But this doesn’t seem separate from age, it goes hand in hand. It takes time to prepare, and it takes time to experience life and learn from those experiences. You can certainly have a precocious youth, well beyond their years in wisdom, but in general, isn’t wisdom a function of age? Isn’t that why we should, overall, respect elders? Maybe the question is more what is the base level of maturity one needs for getting married?
As a sidenote, education also seems to be a positive factor in maintaining marriages, and that would also be a factor of age, since it takes time to study.
• There is not a great wealth of research on this question, but there is some good data that can be helpful to young men and women and their parents. And good scholars disagree on the topic to small degrees, but there is a general window where most agree. •
I have to say this paragraph gave me pause. While the abc article speculates the whys, the focus seemed to be on the dramatic numbers. But this paragraph seems more qualitative. What is the definition of “good data”? Who is a “good” scholar? More importantly, who isn’t? How is that being determined? If we did that, seems we’d probably have to forgo the original article, since it doesn’t do that. Wouldn’t it be better to look at all the date, and then determine what we find. Even studies that are too small to be suggestive of larger trends (to brainstorm an example of possibly bad data) can still potentially point to a larger theory, or show where more research is needed.
And in speaking of research, I was also unsure of on what the “this” in the question was? Happy, long lasting marriages? I thought we had a wealth of information regarding that actually, just no accurate, or sure-fire answers. I thought scientists of various stripes had been studying these issues for years (Gottman, for example comes to mind as someone who has studied both quantitatively and qualitatively what makes a good marriage).
So thank you again Motte, for not only highlighting the article, but also responding in the thread; it’s given me a lot of food for thought.
@syntyche: Not really
There are people in their thirties that are immature though I understand your logic. We need to grow in maturity as we grow older. Sadly, not everyone…
I heard a year ago couples were holding off because of the bad economy. If it were me. I would marry economy or not. God can take care of anything!
Sad!
Hey elcectrianman: I’m ofended! Marriage SHOULD NEVER BE OUTLAWED! MARRIAGE SHALL STAND FOREVER!!!
@USALady63: People were holding out of marriage due to bad economy? That’s funny but I can understand the point. The issue is how long they’re holding out for. A month versus a year is a big difference
People who hold out for marriage because of a bad economy, can’t do math. The US is a two for one marketplace… It’s more expensive to be single, IMHO.
Has anyone considered that we’ve had a considerable number of people serving our country across the seas, does it have an impact?
A year ago, the Lodge posted an article called “Did You Marry Too Young?” referencing the Wall Street Journal “Did I Get Married Too Young?”
The WSJ article says:
According to a 2002 report from the Centers for Disease Control, 48% of people who enter marriage when under age 18, and 40% of 18- and 19-year-olds, will eventually divorce. But only 29% of those who get married at age 20 to 24 will eventually divorce—very similar to the 24% of the 25-and-older cohort.
Yes, maturity matters more than age, but correlates significantly with age, and is difficult to self-evaluate.
Many of these Lodge articles target men who lack maturity, and the advice given is they need to pursue early marriage. This seems backwards.
From the National Fatherhood Initiative on the more recent research from Norval Glenn:
“According to the findings of the survey, it appears that for both men and women there may be a ‘peak marriage age’ in the mid-twenties. More precisely, people who get married between the ages of 23-27 are much less likely to get divorced than those who marry as teens. People between the ages of 23-27 are also much more likely to be in high-quality marriages than people who marry in their late twenties or later. This new finding goes against the conventional wisdom that it is wisest to delay marriage until the late-twenties or thirties when one becomes more established. The reasons behind this finding are unclear. Some possibilities are that late-marriers may have unrealistically high standards for a spouse, or poor social skills. Also, having a longer succession of low commitment relationships may make it harder for persons to commit to marriage.”
And I have seen at least one more study — which I’ll try and dig up — that indicates the risk of divorce begins to rise again if you marry after age 27.
I don’t think these findings necessarily contradict each other. But as the excerpt says, it does go against conventional wisdom that waiting is better.
@4lizjo: Yeah, it’s probably cheaper to be married lol. I’m not sure about the impact of those serving overseas. Maybe people should go overseas to find their spouses
“Some possibilities are that late-marriers may have unrealistically high standards for a spouse, or poor social skills. Also, having a longer succession of low commitment relationships may make it harder for persons to commit to marriage.”
Motte, I think this is very true! Isn’t it interesting how unbelievers know how to woo a Christian girl because they have experience in that area? Whether they lack commitment or not, I always find it puzzling! Poor social skills is another key. A girl emails her unbelieving colleague. He responds back in the usual time frame. She email her Christian colleague and the guy starts analyzing things. Do I respond? How do I respond? And then he takes days!! And let’s not even discuss high standards
So, these things are the issues why people are still single. Of course, God’s timing factors in everything and He works through our mistakes. In conclusion, let’s learn from our mistakes!
One of the mistakes we make, imo, is thinking we have to be mature first, then pursue marriage. But I believe marriage itself is the biggest factor toward becoming a mature adult. Taking on the responsibility of sharing your home & life with someone, making a lifelong commitment … what could be more effective in getting someone off the couch & out of Mom’s basement?
I’ve known my fair share of set singles in my life & watched the transformation & maturity that occurred when they decided to marry. There’s something to be said about the effect a good woman can have on the right man.
Don’t get me wrong. Many singles are mature adults who own their own home & take on great responsibilities. And not all married people become more mature after the “I dos.” But I don’t think maturity should be a requirement of marriage. Love, commitment & a desire to serve God with your lives – together – should top the list.
So ask yourself: What is his/her maturity potential?
Marriage is now held to be almost an idol, and within it are packed all of the expectations that you could ever hope for, at least if you are female. That is why your man must be next-to-perfect, or at least dripping in potential (i.e. moldable and shapable by you!). Male interests in the marriage are usually put down or ignored completely. Thus begins a long career of being the henpecked husband. This prospect scares men away.
Another thing scaring the menfolk away from marriage is the prospect of sacrificing their individuality, their personality, their money, and their time on the idol of having as many children as the woman wants to pump out. Is babylust godly? Well, no. But that scarcely matters.
Other things may happen in marriage, but about 99% of the marriage will be about raising children, and the rest gets squashed into nothingness. Let’s not sugarcoat it, folks. I can kinda understand why guys won’t commit — it’s not that they fear growing in the Lord; it’s that they fear becoming a Crayola family-friendly feminized caricature of Christianity. If you listen to enough Christian radio, you know what I mean. There’s no room for being crucified upside down like Peter anymore; the cult of children calls, and woe be to anyone who dissents.
Ummmmm, Silverfire:
I’m an African American single thirtysomething Christian woman, and what you’ve described of marriage (and the American evangelical display of marriage) would make ME run for the nearest convent. Frankly, what really irks me often about the whole marital landscape in American evangelical Christendom is the polarization of this issue. There is very little middle ground, and it seems to be one of extremes.
ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP requires work, and a relationship’s purpose is not solely centered around our gratification and attempts to solidify our significance, purpose,and identity in the world. One of the things that gets to me sometimes as a single Chrisitan woman dealing with single Christian men(such as the following I’ve encountered in conversations, outings, etc. with Christian men):
The crazy idea that a great relationship/connection just happens, and without any work.
The crazy idea that if the relationship is not fulfilling your needs for excitement, self-esteem, or pacifying your deep emptiness/loneliness, then it’s the wrong relationship.
The crazy idea that the bulk of Christian women want to be wives and babymakers at any and all costs, and if we don’t or are professionally scompetent/successful before marriage that somehow we’re careerist Feminazis.
The idea that we want to henpeck or control our husbands, or that we take the expectations of a longtime married man in church and put them on a pedestal that no single man could ever meet. Boy, please! Not everyone has drank the Christianese Kool-Aid(or is regularly living inside the Christian Bubble).
I’m done. I’m done trying to be something I’m not to fulfill some Christianized version of the Suzy Homemaker/Stepford wife. I’m done being the “great sister” who watches her guy friends repeatedly date the WRONG women and then lament about how a good woman is hard to find, or complain about how many shallow Christian women are when 80% of the reasons why most of you even approach has nothing to do with how well she quotes Scripture. And if you’re not one of those guys, how many of you are friends with those guys in community and avoid actually calling them out on it?
It’s quiet in here…can I get a vowel?
This is how I feel:
http://ladyelaine80.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/dear-brothers-2/