Is Your Singles Group Keeping You Single?
By Motte Brown
It seems we’ve filled our yearly quota for posts about sex all in one week. But while we’re on the “undue delay of marriage” topic, let’s consider one more potential cause: your friends.
In the increasing long period between college and marriage, singles have formed what Ethan Watters refers to as “urban tribes” to meet needs that should be reserved for marriage. In his book, Urban Tribes: A Generation Redefines Friendship, Family and Commitment, Watters explains that when singles move far away from home, friendships become substitutes for family and, in many cases, hindrances to marriage. He writes, “how would I get the momentum up to get married when I’m always hanging around with my friends? I spend more time talking about my love life than I do having one.”
And for Christians, just substitute “urban tribes” with “singles groups.”
Most singles groups I’m aware of are predominantly made up of peers without parental or senior church member involvement. That means there’s no one there to encourage singles to marry or holding them accountable for relational ambiguity. As a result, singles are finding the companionship and emotional support in their friends at church instead of looking for it in marriage and family.
In their good-willed effort to ensure singles do not feel like second-class citizens, some churches have produced ministries that foster unhealthy “friendlationships” instead of healthy relationships between members of the opposite sex that will help them on their path to marriage.
Have you ever experienced this “urban tribe” phenomena in your singles group?
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What singles group?
My church has a young adults group for 20 & 30 something that does a once a month thing – though they haven’t done anything over the summer. Most of the young adults in it are young married couples so even though they’re good people I just don’t feel comfortable or like I fit in with them. There are a couple other single gals that I sit with on Sundays and hang out with once in a while. My church is pretty big so it’s hard to get to know people anyway.
Currently, my church does not have a singles ministry. We do however support a local collegiate outreach ministry, with many singles being involved.
I do not think that we have too many friendlationship situations, but I think that sometimes my friends and I have become out own little “urban tribe.” None of us are from the area originally with no family here, and we all live in the same neighborhood, so its easy to always be hanging out and doing things together, as well as all being members of the same church.
I am encouraged at mostly everyone’s behaviour in the department of male/female relationships. We all seek to be intentional, not hang out one on one, indulge in unhelpful emotional or physical intimacy (b/w guys and girls mind you) and hold each other accountable in the ways of guarding each others hearts. We have had to make significant changes in how we relate to each other, and seek to encourage biblical manhood and woman hood. A ramification of these things is that we are not giving each other what should only be gotten in a marriage relationship.
Another awesome thing that a bunch of us do is hanging out with older couples from the church. My roommate and I often have people from the church over for dinner, those who are at a different place in life than us. We will also spend our nights babysitting or hanging out with the families. This stuff encourages church unity, fellowship, and we get to learn a lot from these people.
Sometimes the tendency is to hang out with only those that are similar than you, and while that is beneficial in some ways, continuously that is crippling. (and its what happens in a lot of singles groups). God shows us how to love better when we are with different people. Also, being around healthy marriages and families urges along the desire for such things.
By being intentional in these ways, I think its a good plan to fight off unhealthy friendlationships.
I do however wish that there were more encouragement towards marriage from the leadership of the church, but I do see us moving towards this as we start a Dating and Courtship seminar this fall.
@TravelingAlissa Please tell us more about the Dating/Courthship Seminar.
Motte thanks for this series: Friendlationships, yep…see FAR TOO MANY of them! The singles group I sponsor is so guilty and sooo tribal.
I’m thinking of breaking out and starting a
CHRISTIAN SINGLES ADVENTURE CLUB. We will take trips, (like Romancing the Rails in Feb a train trip with romance in mind) and have parties and socialize BUT you must listen to a 30 min talk on every trip. Guess what WE would talk about?
Anyone have suggestions?
*courtship : need that correction option.
Our church doesn’t have a “singles group” per se, but I am one of the leaders in a “careers group” Bible Study, and by default most people in it are single. We’ve have a number of young couples in the group over the years, but many migrate over to a married couples group.
In many ways singles in our churches are treated like second-class citizens in that we are simply told that we ought to get married, and that’s the extent of the guidance we get. When a mature couple looks for someone to mentor and take under their wings, pride of place almost always goes to the younger married couples, and the singles are left high and dry. (Granted, the younger couples need it. The first few years are marriage are not easy).
Friendships are the lifeblood of the single person. These are the people who keep us accountable, who pray for us, and basically do what the church is supposed to do for other believers. We don’t intentionally seek people like us. However, the married couples look upon us like aberrants, so we naturally gravitate towards other singles who are able to empathize and sympathize with our experience.
Can “friendlationships” be unhealthy? Of course they can. But any relationship can have an unhealthy dynamic. But if you take away the friendships that we have, the lifeblood of our Christian fellowship, we would be in a world hurt spiritually, and there’s no way that we would ever reach be a spiritual place to be ready to be married.
There is a tendency to blame structures like single groups rather than the shortcomings of the congregation to love the single people and treat them with respect. The bottom line is not whether or not there is a singles group — the bottom line is whether the church makes the time and effort to minister to singles at more than a superficial level, and not treat them like second-class citizens.
@EAMeyer So my church is affiliated with Capitol Hill Baptist in Washington DC, and our Dating and Marriage seminars will be based on theirs. For more information, you can check out:
http://www.capitolhillbaptist.org/we-equip/adults/core-seminars/courtship-dating/
The general outline is as follows:
-Introduction: A Practical Theology of Marriage
-Loving and Leading/Submitting and Respecting
-The Joy of Serving the Other/Duties of Husbands and Wives
-Biblical Love and the Art of Communication
-Biblical Purposes of Sex
-Divorce and Remarriage Panel Discussion -Introduction to Friendship and Dating
-Beginning a Relationship Courtship: Now What do I do?
-How Far Should We Go?
-The Relationship Progresses
-Engagement
@ TravelingAlissa116
Bam Here I am
I want to thank you for your links to the web site in Washington DC
I am happy your contributing to this post.
- Chris
@eameyer: I attend CHBC, and as TravelingAlissa described, the courtship/dating seminar series is a great tool to help singles think about marriage from a Biblical mindset and that it is a noble and satisfying calling from the Lord. The course has shifted somewhat over the years to be a bit less legalistic and try to foster healthy friendships between the genders which is much appreciated by yours truly.
I agree with much of what Alissa and Ps67 said. Although it is our responsibility to guard against unhealthy friendlationships and even seek out friendships with married couples and others as singles, the church has performed a poor job of integrating singles (ie, the orphans and widows as Paul describes) into their lives. One of the results of the courtship/dating culture is that married couples tend to invite couples who are dating (in whatever stage of the relationship) to dinners to mentor them. So, often times, singles have to seek out married couples to socialize or build a friendship. In essence, this leaves us vulnerable and sometimes clinging to our single friends (those who remain single that is) for accountability, fellowship, and prayer.
I have been blessed to be a part of a community small group vs a same gender small group during the past few years, and this has afforded me with dear friendships of married couples who are now just starting families. I’ve been doubly blessed that a few of these couples share similar interests and are extremely intentional about reaching out to their single friends while leading very busy lives. They really exhibit the love of Christ in unique ways and are a great example to the church at large.
Our church has done a better job of exhorting more unity in the body regarding cross-boundary friendships recently, though it is a cultural shift that can involve a long process.
My College and Career group is the epitome of the “friendlationships” trend. Although it’s quite complicated. When I talk with my fellow male friends in the group the conversation quite naturally turns to which girls in the group are we interested in.
However, when the group interacts as a whole not a shred of this is seen. Many of the guys act like neutered “girlfriends” in the sense that this interest is buried down deep and they capitulate to juvenile camaraderie and indulging perpetually in escapist activities with the ladies in the group as a whole not wanting to “make things awkward” or make them “uncomfortable.” What they’re hoping is that the ladies will see their so-called chivalry and consideration in not wanting to rock the boat and respond favorably–as in with interest. What these guys don’t realize is that always acting like disinterested friends around these girls means that that is the only way these girls are going to see them–just casual buddies. If we do what we’ve always done then we’ll get what we’ve always got.
I’m sorry but it’s unavoidable; pursuit requires manning up and taking a chance at taking a girl out of her comfort zone. However, in the same vein, the ladies, especially in the church nowadays, seem to have an overdeveloped comfort zone–a shell in essence. It’s unsure exactly where this come from but there are many possibilities such as ingrained fear of men from parents or family, latent worldly feminism perpetuated constantly in the media, actual bad experience with an ex, simple fear, but I think the big one is the idolatry of ease, comfort, and complacency. The problem is that ladies can and quite a few have blocked Godly mens’ honest advances through “relational red-tape.”
Oh my bad, in that first post I meant to say *my awesome roommate @niki_12 …*
*awesome eligible roommate @niki_12
get off my case Alissa
@Psalms67 and CSLewisFan77:
KUDOS TO BOTH OF YOU! You have succintly echoed how many Christian singles have been treated or felt by their congregations when it comes to protracted singleness(and attempts to deal with it).
You know what I would love to see happen? I would love for the churches to walk their talk when it comes to being intergenerational, and walk with wisdom when it comes to engaging with singles. I also would love for older Christians(and married ones, especially) to be really honest with themselves about why their attempts to get singles to be “more intentional” about marriage and family.I would love for singles and Christians to be honest and not tactfully tell each other the truth.
Guys, if you know two people who clearly like each other and are not simply clearing the air, then encourage them to bite the bullet. Ladies,encourage your sisters not to take it sooooooooo seriously that you allow fears, cultural expectations(yes, even in church) and insecurity to overshadow the wonderful person God made you to be. He likes you—it’s not a marriage proposal. If your world is truly centered in Christ(walking the talk) then you’ll move on if it doesn’t work out.
What’s a singles group?
I’m joking, of course, but my church does not have anything like that.
In fact, I cannot think of any people in my general age group (20s) that are either not married or not in a relationship.
I’m very involved in my church youth group and I’m also a board member. So I’m not really able to leave my church, which I love, and go somewhere else with more single people.
Candace and I are both products of CHBC teaching: no singles group, heavy on telling all the single men that they need to “step up,” and often male-female friendships are looked down upon. These are the things encouraged in the original post. Truth be known, it hasn’t been all that effective in producing more marriages, and I think in many ways it discourages it.
When singles are told that they need to get married, often by total strangers, the message we get is “you’re not valuable as a single person.” “You have a serious deficiency that needs to be fixed.” “Telling you that you need to get married right now is more important than getting to know you as a person.” “I’ll make an exception to not giving unsolicited advice because you’re in such a sorry state.” “Even though a hundred other people have already told you this, I need to tell you again, because obviously it hasn’t sunk in.”
Please, please, PLEASE stop telling singles you just met that they need to get married. It’s very disrespectful. This is why we feel like second-class citizens. This is why we run to our single peers for solace. We’re dying for authentic relationships with married people. Treat us with respect and dignity, invest in us, and we will respond to your wisdom and advice in kind.
@Psalm67
Hm. My wife and I are both products of CHBC as well. And for the three years we attended, there was hardly a free Saturday because of all the weddings, including our own. We believe it was a direct result of their intentional teaching on friendship, courtship and marriage.
I agree with your point about married couples needing to reach out to singles. But the message that marriage should the norm for all Christian singles — and particularly men — unless they have been specifically called to celibate service needs to be preached and heard.
One thing that I haven’t noticed in the above posts is another hindrance I see in my groups of single friends. Many people hesitate to initiate “something more than friends” because they don’t want to upset the balance of friendship in the group. They worry too much about whether another person in the group likes the same person or “will one of us have to leave the group if it doesn’t work out?”
Those aren’t things to completely ignore, but they shouldn’t be the show-stopper they often are.
I think singles groups need to have several godly couples or older singles involved on a regular basis. These people should be a source of more rational advice – helping singles evaluate the rightness of a match and areas for growth or caution. (as opposed to much of the feedback we get from less-wise people that is just based on “you make a cute couple”, or “hooray, you’re finally dating!”)
We don’t have a singles’ group at my church. Our college group grew up, or at least grew old, and fizzled out.
We don’t have a singles group either! If we did have, I’d be the ONLY single in it!
My church does have a singles group. The main issue is that the singles group consists of mainly divorced parents who are the same age as my parents. I know I could learn a lot from them, but where they are at is completely different then where I am at. The college group that started several years ago is trying but not succeeding to establish a group for young adults.
The college group is run by a young married couple. They are very nice, but the group seems to have fallen into the trap mentioned above, “friendlationships”. It seems that the group would be better if there were more involvement from senior church members and parents as mentioned in the article above. I tried attending when I was college are, but in the end decided to find a group elsewhere. I realized I could attend a singles group at another church. Yes, attending one at your church should be better but not if it falls into the “friendlationships” category with no willingness to change.
YES!
I firmly beleive that all churches are going to be held Accountable for not Promoting MARRIAGE.
@UsaLady63: I see this differently. What I see is the fact that churches are not being real with each other. Most churches promote marriage and family by their behavior–it’s clear in their messages, ministry structures, and processes for selecting potential ministry leaders.
Here’s the real reason why “friendlationships” happen: The people themselves never had the skills to actually have a healthy opposite sex relationship AND the skills to pursue a relationship of the opposite sex. Many people do what’s comfortable,and churches are no exception. Most people have a tendency to stay within their circle of friends and shared interests. Consequently, you’ve got the youth group that never left the youth group(i.e. they went away to college but still hang out with the youth group); the marrieds, middle schoolers, men and women’s ministries, children’s ministry,etc. etc.
Everyone’s in their bubble, and no one refuses to admit it.
LadyElaine80:
I agree with you, but I agree with USALady63 as well.
Churches promote and support marriage. But my impression is that many of them don’t do a whole lot to help you get to the altar until you are engaged. They don’t do a lot to help you know how to keep growing as a Christian but also prepare to be a good spouse, how to either seek a wife (the man’s role) or to be ready to be sought as a wife (the woman’s role), and how to date “Christianly.” Few churches do this at all. Very few do it well.
As to the OP [original post], I don’t see my singles group as keeping me single — I’m not in a “singles group,” although most of my social circle is composed of singles. I am around married people too. It’s just that no one knows any single men my age to introduce me to. At least, that’s the impression I get.
But I’m not giving up!!
I had a similar conversation with my Pastor on Monday. He was so thankful to be purged of and done with the singles group he ran, for in his own words, “I will never do one again or encourage one, for it was nothing more than a meat market and gripe group”.
A “meat market” in the sense that singles go there expecting intimate relationships, not fellowship – so at it’s heart, the focus is never truly on the Lord, but how amazing Betty or Johnny is. And “gripe groups” for all it is, is boys and girls complaining how they are the last great persecuted sect within the church today for they are not married.
I could never imagine running such a disastrous concept, or attending one.
One of the most amazing blessings in my small group is the fact that there are married couples in it whom are my own age, it eases the tension in the room and destroys the “urban tribe” nature of that which is “the singles group” that I say be purged from the earth.
I don’t understand why church leadership (and others) pit “growing in the Lord” and “seeking to be married” against each other.
Seems to me that since most of us will eventually marry… and society is just schizo about how to go about marrying and staying married… churches would wise up to the fact that the transitional years between high school graduation and median adulthood would be primarily focused on not only growing in Christ but growing in Christ AND preparing to be a married adult. To me, getting married should be the default trajectory for adult life. That used to be the paradigm.
Anyway… I could make this a rant. But I’ll stop there.
(@AndreaElena:
I agree with you. But I disagree in how this can be addressed. Truth be told, I see the church reacting to the world’s sytem devaluing and relational breakdown by preaching TO singles about being intentional in relationships, but their actions (and subsequent behavior) creates a pressure filled environment and overcomplicates things.
Do I think that there needs to be comprehensive teaching after youth group and before entering the workforce? Yes. But here’s the rub: Adulthood is not the same for everyone; some will get married, and some won’t. What we need to do is really stop linking godly maturity and marriage family formation together, because their paths are not mutually exclusive. There are LOTS of Christians who are married with several children that demonstrate through their choices how immature they are. Bottom line: If we are actually really being the family of God AND collectively doing what the Word teaches regarding relationships in attitude and action, then perhaps we would see more healthy relationships because we understand that our identity is found in Christ—not solely in being a spouse, not solely in being a parent.
The default trajectory for adult life for Christians needs to be found in their lives demonstrating their love for God and their love for others. Marriage and children are NOT a requirement for that, and adults should not be treated different like retards because they’re not married or have children.