Inextricably Linking Sexual Desire with Marriage
By Motte Brown
In “Solomon’s Line on Premarital Sex, Part 2,” John Thomas wrote that the reason Christian singles struggle with premarital sex is because “the time span between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage has bumped up a decade or two since biblical times.” The stats bear this out on both counts. Christian singles are having sex and marrying at virtually the same rates as non-Christians.
Part of the problem is that we’ve disassociated the sex drive with the pursuit of marriage. This is understandably true in our culture but shamefully true in the church. For example, when was the last time you heard a pastor exhort singles (particularly men) to marry young by linking a desire for sex with the pursuit of marriage? I can only think of once in the last six years at my church and it came from a visiting preacher.
Some of you will think this sentiment lacks the appropriate shades of gray when speaking on matters as important as finding a spouse. But isn’t Paul similarly unambiguous when he writes in 1 Corinthians 7:9 that “it is better to marry than to burn with passion”? (Note: Please do not read this and be tempted to believe Paul is speaking to those with some sort of hyper sex drive. He is not. He is addressing all men who have not been gifted as he was, with the self-control necessary “to stay unmarried” for a specific ministry.)
In an interview highlighted yesterday by TravelingAlissa116, Dr. Albert Mohler encourages parents to speak to their sons at an early age as they begin to mature sexually, to say to them:
God made you a sexual creature and gave you an incredible sexual passion for His own glory. You are going to be sexually aroused and excited. You will be interested in intimacy that is largely sexual in nature. And this is to say to you, whether you are 13 or 18 or 22 – and especially urgent at 22 – God has made you to be a husband.
Dr. Mohler has the opportunity to speak to many young men as President of Southern Theological Seminary. He exhorts them to think of marriage, not as something out there on the horizon, but as one of the nearest responsibilities they now face. I believe this applies to members here as well.
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I know I’ve mentioned it before, but in my church the extent of any discourse that links sex to marriage consists mainly of a one-liner command, “Don’t have sex until marriage,” and that’s it.
NEVER!!! since being a believer at age 8 and now I’m 51. Haven’t ever heard this addressed. Nope. Nada. zippo. zilch, zero, negatory.
This makes me spittin angry. see? spit. spit. spit!!!!
We need to talk about sex. And especially this context. THANKS MOTTE!!!
Another related passage is Matthew 19:10-12. Right after teaching about divorce, Jesus declares that singleness is a gift and that not all men can receive/accept it.
@eameyer
Despite having moved around between various baptist churches, I have only ever heard this issue addressed in at a reformed presbyterian church. You know, the Psalm singing (without instruments) kind?
Btw, in case anyone has been confused by my previous posts, I am not against talking about sex. We just need to be careful not to lead our brothers or sisters into sin with overly descriptive stories.
havent heard
Other than at Mars Hill, Seattle, WA — never heard.
The only time I recall hearing it was in a dating Q&A session where someone in the audience asked if he should pursue marriage with a girl he had the hots for (burning with passion may even be the way he put it).
Unfortunately, he was told yes. Knowing him and the gal, I think he really needed to be reminded that just getting married so you can have ‘God-legal’ sex is a terrible foundation for a marriage.
My pastor did a LONG series on “Pure Sexuality” a couple of years ago.It was very good (slightly awkward once or twice).
Funny that you post that interview. Dr. Mohler seemed a bit exasperated by internet dating (he calls us “mail order brides”!). He has a point when he talked about his vision for the church encouraging marriage and mentoring all of us in seeking marriage and becoming marri-able. HOWEVER, that takes time (and a few other things) and I think MW is a great alternative for waiting for our churches and church people to function that way.
Some of us have been/are plugged in at churches where all of the young adults are married. MW is one of the other options.
I’ve heard nearly every other pastor chastise Mark Driscoll for his bluntness on this topic. He threw up an article on The Resurgence over the SoS that was pulled within one hour upon John Pipers request as it was a little too over the top. Two years later he did do a series on the Song of Songs titled the Peasant Princes, that was a lot more toned down for I’ve seen it, but it probably would still give most 80 year old grandma’s heart attacks from the pews if you go to a John MacArthur church where every word is calculated to be holy and edifying from the pulpit.
Driscoll is the only one whom I’ve heard speak of the subject so openly and bluntly of if you don’t have “the gift” – move out of moms basement, get a job, court a woman and marry. While it’s a great pursuit and ministry (marriage), I just am convicted that if the motives are beyond the community aspect of MW, which I hope is the building of one another up in our relationship with Him, we are overlooking the foundation of stone needed for any friendship, and building it instead on sand, and not cultivating each others hearts, minds, and souls upon our Lord.
I guess I have never heard any message linking the two together and I have been in many churches because work made me move around.
I guess if I heard such messages when I was younger, I might be married now:)
But I think its important to stress the need for earlier marriages especially to the men. The abundance of premarital sex makes the very idea of early marriage odious since they can very well get the goods without paying the price!
@Ian The SoS sermon series Driscoll did was awesome, and I loved how blunt he was on everything. More pastors need to get over it and speak biblically about sex, which often means saying uncomfortable things.
hi
“I just am convicted that if the motives are beyond the community aspect of MW, which I hope is the building of one another up in our relationship with Him, we are overlooking the foundation of stone needed for any friendship, and building it instead on sand, and not cultivating each others hearts, minds, and souls upon our Lord.”
Excellent point, Ian. This reminds me of a time long ago when I formed a friendship with another gal at our church. Unfortunately, the relationship was based solely on the fact that we both attended the same fellowship. Problems developed in her life (actually, she married a man based mostly on the burn factor) and when she left our church, our relationship crumbled.(So did her marriage.) Our friendship was not rooted in a shared love of the Lord, or a desire to see each other grow in Him. It took me many years to even realize that. It was painful.
Now apply that to any marriage and think about the divorce rate, especially among believers. While online meeting sites are wonderful if used properly, the temptation is to use them as a grocery store, picking and choosing what we like best. I submit that we must utilize an excellent site like MW to help determine a person’s relationship with Christ, then go from there. Priorities, priorities.
The ONLY thing that will last is our relationship with Christ, if indeed we have one. “Examine yourselves, whether you are in the faith.”
There have been many discussions here lately about attraction, et al, but finding someone who is “running hard after Jesus, then running with them” should be our greatest desire.
Glad that Mr. Brown brought up this quite reasonable (and should-be-obvious) connection. However, a bit annoyed because it seems like whenever someone says “sex drive” we’re suddenly only talking about men.
This same issue was recently addressed on my sister’s blog: http://delesmuses.blogspot.com/2010/08/my-first-and-last-post-on-marriage.html