Ask Marry Well: Should I Pursue a Relationship While Deployed Overseas?

By Motte Brown

QUESTION

I am a soldier deployed [overseas] and got on Marry Well about two months into my 12 month deployment. I met someone about a month ago I’d like to pursue. She is a creative, beautiful, godly, and motivated. But we cut things off before things got too serious because I won’t be home for another nine months. Was this the right thing to do?

Thing is, I really like her and am willing to wait for her. But is it wise to pursue someone from such a distance without any idea if things will go smoothly once you get back to the states? If this could work, can you give some specific ways that we must guard our hearts in this type of situation?

ANSWER

Let’s take your questions one at a time.

Q: But we cut things off before things got too serious because I won’t be home for another nine months. Was this the right thing to do?

A: I think what you did was noble. You were trying to ensure that her emotions were not bound to you in a way that would keep her from pursuing other options. But it seems you threw the baby out with the bath water in this instance. I agree that you need to be very careful so that you do not imply a level of commitment in your communications that you are not able to give right now. However, it is obvious from the way you described her that you’ve already made some level of connection. So I wouldn’t just shut everything down. With a measured approach — along with help from your community — I don’t see why you shouldn’t continue writing, calling or video chatting.

Q: Is it wise to pursue someone from such a distance without any idea if things will go smoothly once you get back to the states?

A: You’re essentially asking if it’s wise to pursue someone long-distance without a “guarantee” things will work out. Well, if a guarantee is required for pursuit, then nobody would ever get married. Because there are no guarantees. There will be risk for both of you and this is true whether you are pursuing someone face-to-face in the same city or someone over the Internet half-way around the world. So no, it isn’t unwise to pursue someone from such a long-distance. When it comes to relationships, the danger of getting hurt exists to some degree whatever the circumstance.

Q: If this could work, can you give some specific ways that we must guard our hearts in this type of situation?

A: In our Guide articles “Communicating by email” and “Communicating by phone,” we discuss how to be discreet and moderate your frequency to help guard your heart. These same principles apply to you and your match. However, these stages could take much longer than if you were able to make a real-world connection within a few months. So you both will have to agree moving forward that you’re okay with waiting longer to pursue a deeper connection. Your relationship can still grow, but it should be primarily as friends at this point. Do not single her out in a way that makes her “yours” when you have no way of growing together except through correspondence and phone calls (including video calls through the Internet). Remember, there’s a time and place for depth, and typically it’s after you’ve made a real-world connection.

1. ian said the following on September 7, 2010 at 4:53 pm

   

   As a service member myself who played in the sandbox, my encouragement is towards putting your emotional and mental health first. The tolls of the environment is challenging enough on the mind; after the third month you will start to feel it.

   I would also advise that your focus always be toward our Lord, in keeping with mental health in mind. As well never forget, you are there on a mission, a duty. Without knowing all the details of your tasking, our Lord has you there for a reason: it is what you trained for, it is what the American people are paying and counting on you for, it is what you took the oath for. And it may also be how you protect and cultivate this friend of yours as well while over there in a lesson of patience and selflessness expecting nothing out of it for there is no garentee.

   With that said, I would encourage building a foundational friendship as brothers and sisters in Christ while over seas, but my recommendation from past experiences is do not communicate more than is needed into it, for right now this is your season in life and it is a long road from brother and sister in Christ, to husband and wife, but the Christ centered friendship is foundational while being protective of one another in it, for my encouragement is to put the focus there expecting nothing more out of it, than to build a sister up in our Lord at this point.

   I prayed for you.
2. mentormom said the following on September 7, 2010 at 4:57 pm

   

   First of all, thank you for serving our country! My family is forever grateful for your service. Second, the above advice is very wise (in my little opinion). Coming from a long line of military families. I was a marine brat, lived 18 years on military bases, watched many friends join military and today live in a community of military (though we are civilians). There is risk with relationships, but starting as friends is a wonderful place to begin. Getting to know each other, having help with community (friends,this site, family, church)could be the best way to “guard your heart”. For me I was friends with my husband and then we got engaged 3 years later.