Women Lust Too
by Motte Brown
We’ve been told all our lives that men struggle with porn more than women because men are more visually oriented. And some studies seem to support this idea. But even if it’s true, it doesn’t mean women have no propensity to be tempted (and affected) by erotic images.
Be assured, women lust too. So it’s no wonder why we’re seeing more and more of them becoming addicted to pornography in our over-sexualized culture. It’s a growing problem that is gaining national attention.
From a recent New York Times article,
To the wide array of programs offered by evangelical megachurches like Westside, the group adds what Ms. Renaud says is something long overdue. While churches have addressed pornography use among the men in their congregations and among the clergy, a group for women who say they are addicted to pornography is new territory, she said.
“In the Christian culture, women are supposed to be the nonsexual ones,” said Ms. Renaud, who also runs an Internet site called Dirty Girls Ministries, choosing the name to attract people searching for pornography. “It’s an injustice that the church is not more open about physical sexuality. God created sex. But the enemy has twisted it.”
Ms. Renaud is right. The church needs to preach more about the whole counsel of God which includes sex. Dr. Albert Mohler addresses this dead on in his article “Are Preachers Too Silent About Sex?”
Far too many evangelical pastors teach virtually nothing about a biblical understanding of human sexuality. This leaves much of the Bible unpreached and a congregation woefully untaught. It is not enough to believe the right things about what the Bible teaches concerning sex and sexuality. It is necessary to affirm the Bible’s truthfulness and authority in every dimension it addresses, but this is not enough. Congregations are filled with people who need a word from the Lord on this matter that is so central to human identity and so ubiquitous in our culture.
In its vacuum, women are being tempted by the empty promises of self-gratification through pornography. It’s now everyone’s problem. Literally.
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This is interesting, but I feel that two futher points of context should be added.
First, lust (even sexual lust) doesn’t need be merely physical-it can be mental and emotional. Which leads to my second point of considering the mass of trashy romance novels. I would argue that much of it is (effectively) female pornography.
When I worked in the book store, there were women who would come and purchase romance novels by the dozens-every week! These women were addicted to the emotions that the books released. And like visual pornography can build disatisfaction of a man towards his wife’s body, so this bodice-ripping novels can build disatisfaction of a woman towards her husband’s personality (or inability to rips bodices).
I don’t mean to rant, but it is something often not discussed…and since we were on the subject…
I don’t think the pornography aspect is to be found in the male characters’ personalities — it’s in the explicit descriptions of the “scenes.” Ahem… So… they’re not literally visual… but by proxy, they are — for the woman with a very active imagination.
If you want to argue that there is fodder for emotional/mental escapism in romance novels (whether or not the explicit sex scene aspect is there), then yes, I’ll agree with you there.
I just don’t think there is such a thing as “emotional pornography” — ’cause that’s a mixing of terms. An inaccurate mixing.
But yes, it’s a problem for women too — lust of all sorts is a problem for women.
I’m glad this topic is here and I plan to read the Albert Mohler article.
My church seems to have fallen into this rank legalism regarding sexuality as well. The only time it is ever mentioned is as a sidenote to a larger sermon and it consists of a one-liner sound bite of “Follow Jesus; don’t have sex ’til marriage.” That’s it.
This is right now the biggest trial on my faith. Mainly because when I went to my Pastor during a really low point struggling with this, he said I should get with a group of guys to discuss it (already done) and told me to look up sermons from another Pastor who affirmed what I believed.
In other words he paid lip service to my problem but tried the path of least resistance of blowing me off. It was disillusioning how apathetic it seemed.
Reminds me of a verse, “What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you say to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” James 2:15-19
Some of the best writing/advice I’ve seen on porn and lust is from Tim Challies. It is written for men, but perhaps it will be helpful for women as well:
http://www.challies.com/christian-living/sexual-detox-the-e-book
I don’t know if it would be considered lust, but I’m often reminded that even “chick flicks” can be extremely dangerous to a woman’s goal to guard her heart and mind. I’ve never read a romance novel, so I’m not sure what “porn” or dangerous thoughts they would be. I do know that in my own personal life I’ve been able to guard my thought life and heart as I avoid watching too many romance movies. Often the need to reread or quote Philippians 4:8-9 when I’m having a battle to guard my thoughts.
Also a very helpful book was given to me as a college student. Win the Battle for Your Mind by Richard L. Strauss.
Just as men can lust over a picture of scantily clad woman, a woman can lust over a novel about the perfect love life. They too can build unhealthy expectations of what they believe men should be and can also grow disapointed when men don’t live up to what they read in some novel. Its the same concept but played out in very different ways. We are all human and are able to hurt one another and ourselves.
Pornography IS NOT just a man thing. Just thought I would reiterate that. Im easily annoyed when I hear people’s surprise at the fact that sin can affect all sorts of people “women look at porn? no way.” YES WAY. (Im not even going to get into the joking that goes down in some churches regarding certain sin and then why they wonder no one is confessing sin to one another)
Crystal Renaud has done many good things regarding pornography addiction, and I totally agree with her statement:
“It’s an injustice that the church is not more open about physical sexuality. God created sex. But the enemy has twisted it.”
@Joanna, thanks for the challies link!
Porn is not the only symptom/result of lust. Trashy novels and chick flicks aren’t the only things that trigger lust. I could tell a tale of a certain young male church song leader who could have helped a certain young female congregant if he’d thought to button one more shirt button. The sexual and immodest way men often dress (at least in southern California) can be very frustrating.
@Chris: Frankly, I’d be surprised if young women think about sex significantly less than young men do. then again, my perception is obviously biased on this.
It seems to me that lust in women and the objectification of men is treated as a joke more than lust in men and the objectification of women is. Feminism has taught us that men
I recently came across this helpful blog post: http://dt1021.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/blessings-of-singleness-5-lack-of-physical-intimacy/
I think what she says about death near the end of the article is a little weird, but I appreciate her honesty about women’s sexual desires. She keeps her main points applicable to both men and women, though.
Women aren’t supposed to even want godly, procreative intercourse with their husbands. Our (Christian) culture says the only skanky feminists are like that. (Ok, I may be exaggerating a little.)
This article on Boundless, http://www.boundless.org/2005/answers/a0002119.cfm, I did not find helpful (nor do I think it helped the fellow asking the question much) because the basic question, do women desire men, was not answered. I will risk sounding unmaidenly and answer it here: yes. Maybe not all women, and maybe not always, but yes, nevertheless.
Oops, I forgot to finish a sentence in there. I seemes to me that feminist ideas have caused us to characterize men as “lust-driven beasts” and women as innocent angels.
Cali Lady,
I too have the same frustration with the stereotypes of men and women. I think it goes back as far as “angel in the house” thinking, from the Victorian era. Gotta luv sociological history…
Several years ago, I went to go watch my singles group play sand volleyball, and when I arrived at the park, several well-muscled guys had their shirts off. I had to leave. It was just too much for me. (I still have to look away quickly and take my thoughts captive whenever I see a buff shirtless guy jogging down the sidewalk near my home.)
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chris,
I think possibly the major difference between the way men and women lust is that, from the anecdotes I’ve read and heard, men can literally play over in their minds what they see or imagine — and it takes very little time to get to a quite detailed, ahem, “scene.” Whereas women’s minds don’t tend to go immediately to a scene of bodies intwined and such. Seems as if our lust takes on a more amorphous character. Or maybe that’s just me. I wouldn’t be surprised if women who have viewed visual porn have had their brain wiring go to more like a man’s — in that replaying of scenes in their heads. (And some women’s biochemistries do have more testosterone than other women’s, so that might be a factor too.)
Also, the sexes’ triggers probably tend to differ.
But the power/strength of that feeling? I think it can be just as strong in a woman as it is in a man. I mean, look at all the adultery and premarital sex going on!!
I find that understanding the stages of pair bonding (at one point I found a really helpful chart — I think it was in Smart Love: A Field Guide for Singles by Nancy L. Van Pelt) can help Christian singles determine where their physical boundaries ought to be.
And the Biblical Dating series, by Scott Croft, over at Boundless really helped me flesh out the boundaries for emotional intimacy (that is, what sorts of conversations to have at what stages of dating/courting, and what types to save for later stages).
Well, phooey… those last two paragraphs should have been their own section. Oh well, y’all can figure it out.
I think you should definitely talk to your pastor or a trusted older male about these topics. Someone who can hold you accountable and someone who can understand your deeper sin issues a little deeper than we can. We can discuss this here I suppose, but I am kind of under the mindset that talking about these personal struggles with members of the opposite gender, who we do not even know, on this website, is not very appropriate.
I would also encourage you to check out Boundless.org as well as XXXchurch.com for some solid truth regarding porn and masterbation. Here are some helpful starting articles…
“The Porn Effect”: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001218.cfm
Porn, Adultery and Marriage: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001218.cfm
Breaking the Porn Addiction:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/answers/a0002149.cfm
Biblically speaking, porn and masterbation are rip-offs, so to speak, of the wonderful gift of sex in marriage that God has created and ordained.
I dont think that those topics are to hot to handle, or too difficult to discuss, and I actually think they should be discussed more. But if it is a personal struggle with specific details regarding that struggle, than it should be discussed in a more appropriate setting. I could be wrong too, and hope someone else hops in if they have alternate thoughts on the subject.
@Chris
You need to make yourself accountable to one or more *men* within your community of believers. Your pastor would be a good starting place. Your accountability partner(s) needs to be willing to ask you the tough questions even when they don’t want to hear your answers! If you can’t find someone, then you either need to try harder or find another church. Do it for 1) Christ (Ephesians 5:3), 2) your future wife’s heart, and 3) your own well being.
PS – 1st Corinthians 10:13 and 2nd Corinthians 10:5
@TravellingAlissa – I’m in agreement that this conversation has headed in a direction that is better suited for continuance within a same-gender context.
Mark Driscoll has an ebook entitled Porn Again Christian. I haven’t read it yet, but based on how solid he usually is, would highly recommend it. You can find it here: http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/
@ Bethany
Thank you Bethany for the helpful and positive commits. I am vary excited about reading this book and when I get the book and read it I will share about my thoughts n the book.Thank you:)
- Chris
@ Kristen
Interesting commit.
- Chris
Chris, I’d agree with the others that commented… I think that information would be more appropriately shared with a same-gender mentor.
Thank you to the moderator!
@ Everybody
Okay the information should be shared with a same gender mentor.
@ Bethany
Okay I agreed and will try my best to be careful in future commits on future posts.
- Chris