To Love, Honor and Never Argue About Money
by Motte Brown
For many engaged couples, the time between “I will” to “I do” is all about preparing for the wedding. And while wedding planning does take a lot of time and energy, it should not be at the cost of continued marriage preparation.
There are many things couples should discuss in depth after they get engaged but one of the most important is finances. And this article from the Wall Street Journal provides a pretty good framework to get the discussion started.
Whether the issues are big or small, money will prove a powerful force impacting your marriage — sometimes overtly in the form of routine arguments; sometimes quietly as animosities seethe beneath the surface for years, only to explode into a potentially marriage-ending supernova.
What couples don’t always grasp is that money is rarely the real culprit. It’s the lack of communication, often stemming from a lack of knowledge about each other’s personal financial quirks and beliefs.
True. So here are some questions the writer suggests asking to help the newly engaged argue less about money after “I do” (which I have edited for length):
1 What Are Your Assets and Liabilities?
Your goal is to pinpoint where you are financially as a couple so that you can map out where you want to go together. That could mean determining how much you want to save each month for retirement, or how much you want to put into an account for a new house, a new car or an annual vacation.
2 What Is Your Money History?
What you experienced financially as a child — how your parents managed their bills, how they talked or yelled about money, what they taught you about saving and spending — has shaped who you are today.
3 How Should We Divide Financial Duties?
Couples should determine how to divvy up the various financial obligations that exist. Maybe one takes charge of investing and the other balances the checkbook. Play to each other’s strengths. If you’re good at challenging bureaucracy, maybe you agree to handle the insurance companies and the medical bills.
The point is that you both have an obligation to the family’s financial well-being, and both spouses need to be aware of the household’s financial situation.
He includes a fourth question about combining accounts, but on that issue I’ll direct you to Crown Ministries: ”A couple cannot be one if they separate their lives by separating their finances.”
As the writer says, it’s mostly about communication. And getting this out in the open on the front end may prove helpful while working to become one, financially, within marriage.
Comment
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The part about: ”A couple cannot be one if they separate their lives by separating their finances.” So TRUE!
I have heard advice that as soon as a couple gets married, the woman should establish an emergency fund in case of divorce. What a CROCK!
I think it would be helpful to go through a class like Dave Ramsey’s FP before getting married. Even if we take the info and mix it up a bit, at least it is a good breeding ground for deep discussion about all the various topics like savings, retirement, giving, saving, debt, etc.
I am a spendthrift married to a spender and it certainly has had its challenges. We did, however, early on make a decision that if either of us wanted to spend more than $100 on any one thing, we would have to be in agreement on it. That certainly was a wise decision for us and it has saved us much grief.
I agree that money is one of the most important issues in any marriage – and it’s something that affects us each and every day.
@TravelingAlissa116: Depending on the local law of course, that money the wife saves could be legal owned by the husband as well, so it’s not really “protected” or “kept safe” from him.
By the way, I always thought that was why a wedding ring was supposed to cost 3 months wages. So if the fellow dumped her, the woman could have money to live off of for a while until she found another guy.
Seems to me that the best protection in this day and age (in the US) would be a pre-nup. For example, if you have property (land or heirlooms) that you want to keep in the family, a pre-nup may help ensure that they stay with you should you divorce or stay with your kids should you predecease your spouse.
But maybe worrying that your widowed wife will will your grandmother’s jewelry to her second husband’s kid is a little much.
If I get married I am going to ask him and hopefully he will comply that any kind of bill paying, financial things will go on once a week at a resteraunt, that way no arguing can go on (got that advice from a pastors wife)
I love that the article focuses on communication. The lack of communication about finances between couples often stems from a couple’s discordant attitudes and emotions about money, spending, and debt. Shame from large amounts of CC or student debt can serve to stifle much-needed communication about money. Emotional shopping, much like emotional eating, can also stand in the way of communication as emotional needs are met on shopping trips! I think it’s so important that pre-marital counseling also includes some serious discussions about marital finances. If done right, it can help couples to uncover emotions and attitudes that they never even knew they had!