Solomon’s Line on Premarital Sex, Part 2
by John Thomas
Keep in mind, I say, that in biblical times there just wasn’t a whole lot of sex taking place before marriage, since people married at such young ages, and there just wasn’t much time between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage. Most of the sex taking place was after marriage, either with your spouse, which was good, or not with your spouse, which was prohibited, and that’s why there’s more talk about adultery than pre-marital sex. We wrestle with this issue more now because the time span between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage has bumped up a decade or two since biblical times.
I also add that we probably wouldn’t even be having this conversation were it not for birth control, especially the “pill,” and if abortions were not so easy to obtain. Without birth control and abortion, sex would mean a greater likelihood of raising babies, and raising babies would mean commitment, and commitment would mean marriage. That’s life in biblical times, so the question itself didn’t get much discussion in a world where sex and babies went together much more than they do in our time.
Then I mention Hebrews 13:4, where the author distinguishes two types of sex that are prohibited. The first, moichos, refers to a married person having sex with someone other than his or her spouse and is generally translated adultery. The second, porneia, in this case refers to any other unmarried sex, usually translated fornication or sexual immorality.
Anything else? They say.
How about Ephesians 5:1-3, where we are instructed to have not even a hint of sexual immorality (porneia), or any kind of impurity in or lives. Do you think pre-marital sex might be at least a hint of sexual immorality? I ask.
Maybe, they say. What else do you have?
Well, I say, there is 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, which, among other things, tells us to flee sexual immorality (porneia) because the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we are to honor God with our body.
What else? They say.
Well, I say, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 says to avoid sexual immorality (porneia) and learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable to the Lord, not in passionate lust, like the heathen, who do not know God.
Sure, but what else? They say.
What you really want, I say, is a Scripture that goes something like, if Jack and Jill are not married to anyone nor to each other, and not engaged to anyone nor to each other, and have sex with each other, that’s wrong, and that they should either stop having sex or get married.
Um, they say, that’s in the Bible?
Well, that’s my paraphrase, I say. Then I point them to Exodus 22:16-17, a very interesting “case law” scripture in the Old Testament. By “case law,” I mean one of those “If … then …” commands that provides some underlying principles applicable beyond the example used. For instance, when Scripture says in Exodus 23:4, “if you come across your enemy’s ox or donkey wandering off, then take it back to him,” the application extends beyond oxen and donkeys, to dogs, children, bicycles, credit cards, etc.
Exodus 22:16-17 gives instruction on what to do if an unmarried, unengaged man has consensual sex with an unmarried, unengaged woman: “If a man seduces (implies consent) a virgin (or a woman of marriageable age) who is not pledged to be married, and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price (or marriage present) and she shall be his wife.” Most scholars believe the same prohibition is found in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, “If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are discovered … he must marry the girl….” Most scholars believe that “rape” is not being addressed here, but consensual pre- marital sex (albeit the man’s strong initiation), especially given the phrase “and they are discovered.”
These might be the clearest disapproval of sex for singles in Scripture. The message couldn’t be more obvious: Whether you’re engaged or not, don’t have sex outside of marriage. Period. If you’re unmarried and having sex, legitimize it and get married to the person with whom you are having sex — get the piece of paper and go public.
It’s your choice, I say. Public or private. Song of Solomon or hiding in the shadows. God’s way or your way.
These singles often come to me hoping to find a loophole, and a few leave frustrated and disappointed. Some, though, leave with strengthened resolve, and for the first time have a vision of love and sex in the right context — a vision of poetry and celebration.
I pray for the disappointed ones, for them to embrace God’s vision for their sex lives. I rejoice over the ones with new vision, because I know they will soon discover what really good sex is all about.
* * *
John Thomas lives in Arkansas with his wife, Alfie, and their three children. He serves as executive director of Ozark Camp and Conference Center, a youth camp and retreat center.
Comment
Register for a Marry Well account today to join the discussion. Even basic members can comment.
My 2 cents and some is based on opinions and some on real life experiences and some just opinions because everyone has them
Part 1
- Chris
This is a great article. Also so many singles ask the question about “how far is too far” as if there is a direct line in the bible saying “well if you are single and unmarried, but in a dating relationship, then its ok to do this this this but not this..”
And its just the wrong question to be asking. Like the verses are saying, we need to FLEE lust, and we need to not even have a HINT of sexual immorality.. So the question we need to be asking is how far away can we stay from impurity. Often a radical and unpopular answer ensues. We need to run in the opposite direction of sin and we need to be intentional with where we place ourselves and with who. We need to honor God with our bodies.
Actually, regarding the “time between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage,” 9Marks has a great interview with Josh Harris, Scott Croft, and Al Mohler that touches on the subject of our cultural delay of marriage and how that affects our sexuality and culture. Yall should check it out if you have time, as it offers some great biblically practical advice.
http://www.9marks.org/audio/biblical-dating-albert-mohler-and-joshua-harris
@ TravelingAlissa116
Great thoughts and thanks for responding.It is something worth thinking about and so i will.
- Chris
When I first read the description of this article, I thought “What?!? There’s lots of examples of sex outside of marriage in the Bible.” But then I read the article, and realized the point the author was making. The extra-marital sex was more often in the form of adultery than pre-marital sex. That doesn’t mean that either is acceptable.
It’s good to have a concise summary of some of the specific verses speaking about pre-marital sex. I know that many, many young people wonder about this very thing. Many, like those mentioned in the article, are indeed looking for a loophole. But others are looking for a scriptural basis to back-up what they already believe.
The former will probably just harden their hearts, but the latter will appreciate the clarity.