Solomon’s Line on Premarital Sex, Part 1
by John Thomas
The first time I read the Song of Songs in the Bible I thought, No. Way. I immediately grabbed a friend’s Bible to see if his featured the same book. “Dude, have you read this?! This is unbelievable!”
“What? What is it?”
“Clusters, man! They’re talking about climbing palm trees and taking hold of clusters! IN THE BIBLE! It’s right here!” I was a teen Christian with active hormones and my grandmother’s prayers were finally being answered because I suddenly developed an intense hunger for the Word. Hallelujah!
Over time, of course, I realized that the relationship described in Solomon’s Song, including those face-blushing palm tree and cluster verses, occurred within a specific context. In the midst of beautiful, poetic language about the stages of a relationship that start with a glance and eventually lead to the honeymoon, the author charges us three times, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases,” or, as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson in The Message, “Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe — and you’re ready.”
I often point to this book when people, usually young singles, ask me about relationships and pre-marital sex. They want to know, where, exactly, does the Bible talk about pre- or extra-marital sex, when neither partner is married. They know about the adultery prohibitions, and they agree — you shouldn’t have sex with someone who is someone else’s spouse. But where does it talk about not having sex if there is no spouse involved? You have two consenting adults, and neither has made any vow to any other person, so it’s not technically adultery. What’s wrong with that? Does the Bible speak to those situations?
I like to start with Solomon’s Song, because it celebrates the whole package of the relationship — initial attraction, exciting emotions, longing, and sexual intimacy — and it connects all of this to the proper context or timing, when “it pleases,” a timing that is marked by public approval of the relationship, highlighted by a wedding (chapter 3). The whole relationship, including the celebration of the sexual aspects, takes place within the context of community approval — no, more than approval — rejoicing.
I ask these young, unmarried singles, does the community — your friends, family, church — celebrate your private, sexual liaisons? When it appears that a pregnancy might result, is there rejoicing? No, of course not. Why not? The timing is wrong. The context is wrong. A private affair is being forced out into the public and is clouded by shame. You’ve “aroused love before its time.” There will be pain, disappointment and sadness. Compare that to the tone of Solomon’s Song. The couples’ sexual life in the Song of Solomon takes place within the context of a lifelong commitment of marriage, and the community rejoices. It will produce grandbabies, nieces, nephews, more members of the little platoon of the family. The couples’ sex life is ultimately a social benefit. That, I say to my young single friends, is a picture of sex in the proper context.
(“Solomon’s Line on Premarital Sex, Part 2″ scheduled for August 31, 2010)
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John Thomas lives in Arkansas with his wife, Alfie, and their three children. He serves as executive director of Ozark Camp and Conference Center, a youth camp and retreat center.
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I love the theme of this article, as I think it is a much needed one. Although I remember my own life as a teen, and would have liked the church and society at large to make a logical step toward allowing me to make a commitment in marriage earlier than financially doable. I was ready for the commitment side, just not able to provide financially; compared to my Grandpa’s generation. Who, all seemed to be married WITH the ability to support his wife at 19 years of age; working in a copper mill in New Mexico. I know this is a different idea.. than the article is written about. But, it would be nice to deal with this too, as today’s American Life style and cost concerning legitimate young marriage when the time of “arousing love before its time” could be appropriatly offset.. in contratdiction to the illegitimate sexual realations; teens are trying to justify. That’s my two cents.
@ Appleadayeater
Thank you for sharing your 2 cents worth.It gives me something to think about in my quiet time with God and prayer.
- Chris
Is there a moderator around here for comments?
Good work.
I also wish to express thanks for the cleanup! I hope a little extra care will be put into protecting one another’s innocence of thought.
Here’s a thought: Each person you date/court is likely going to be someone’s future wife/husband. If you seek to protect the purity of each other, you bless their future marriage… and your own! Wouldn’t you appreciate it if your future spouse’s suitors protected her/him? Galatians 5:14 comes to mind: For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Reading through Proverbs 5:15-23 made me want to share how the Amplified version renders verses 16 & 17: “Should your offspring be dispersed abroad as water brooks in the streets? [Confine yourself to your own wife] let your children be for you alone, and not the children of strangers with you.”
@ canadian
Hello and thanks for the insight in the bible and scripture.It proves vary helpful
- Chris
Thanks Chris! well I thought it would be nice to see what others thought too. Moderator needed? did i miss something? Oh well… if I did. I love scripture.. but I like it when people ‘bring it home’ to their own lives.. too.
Take care all
Marc
@canadian: I used to think like that, until I realized that there is no guarantee that the person is going to get married. I try to remind myself that my responsibility is to leave people better than I met them, regardless of what the future holds. I am to do what is right, and the potential benefits to the person’s relational future are simply side benefits. Is it nice? Yes. But that’s not my aim.
I think we could minimally say that another person is someone’s son or daughter and treat them in light of that.
@Chris My advice would be to avoid giving so much intimate detail. A lot of us don’t want read (and thusly think about) specific sex acts or how you get/got there.
@LadyElaine80 & Kristen – I like your further developed thoughts. As Christians, we all have a Holy Father in common. Each one has also been bought with the blood of Christ. Whatever we do to the least of these, we ultimately do to Christ! (Matthew 25:40)
@ canadian
Okay this is advice that i need to apply to my life. Thanks.
-Chris