Blinded by the Pretense of Science?
by Steve Watters
Do the promises of great matches on online dating sites imply that couples they match will have good marriages? Megan Basham takes on that question this week in a probing article about dating sites called “Love, Internet Style.”
“Popular matchmaking websites may be blinding singles with the pretense of science,” says the teaser of the article and the tragic story that appears later brings that home. Megan writes about a music pastor who was unmarried in his early 30s and decided to open accounts on both eHarmony and Match.com. He dated matches from both sites and then chose to marry someone he met on eHarmony. Within a year, however, they were divorced. Megan continues:
The biggest problem, from his point of view, was that his wife was nothing like the person she presented online, though it took him till after the wedding to realize this. He believed based on the website matching them up and their early correspondence that she was a family-oriented single mom looking for a quiet, settled life. Instead, a few weeks after the wedding he says he discovered he’d married a party girl who often left her 5-year-old daughter in his care to hit the club scene.
… [He] believes it was the promise of a scientifically approved partner that caused him to marry more quickly than he otherwise would have. “It’s like I didn’t think I needed to take the time to get to know her better and make sure we were a good match because this super-detailed test already told me we were.” When sparks flew during their first few meetings, he wasn’t worried about going too fast; he felt the toughest part of starting a relationship — making sure the person is a good fit — had already been done for him.
Does this guy just seem naive to you or do you think it’s common for dating sites to lull couples into thinking they are a better fit than they really are?
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chris:
1. Sometimes it’s a compatibility issue. Other times it just happens that whoever are currently members aren’t interested in some of the other members. It’s wise to consider MW just one of many tools that God can use to lead you to meet someone you might want to marry. Putting too many expectations (It’s got to be ~this~ way) is setting you up for major disappointment. {Believe me: been there; done that; got the T-shirt, mug, and sheet set. The toilet paper’s on order.
}
2. I think you’re right about some of this. MW is currently kinda like a mashup of a blog and Facebook-like formats. I’d like to see it grow more in the direction of a format like a bulletin board so that you can have fuller discussions.
3. Typing tip: spaces are your friends. One space after ending punctuation and before the next sentence, is sufficient.
Oh, wow. At least give him points for taking initiative. Though, how do you marry someone without understanding their general disposition, intentions, etc.
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@chris – I don’t think everyone on MW is like that and they have put initiative into marketing. Maybe more is required? Regardless, there are flaky people everywhere – MW, eHarmony, work, school, etc. Just smile, nod, and realize they see the world differently.
What a sad story. It is a good warning for us to remember the importance of seeing a person interact in many types of situations before making a decision to marry him/her. I think a site like this can only be a starting point, followed up by personal interaction, group activities, counsel from close friends and mentors, etc. I’m pretty certain my friends know what my weaknesses are–it is not possible to keep them hidden forever once the newness of a relationship wears off and the stresses of daily life become more prominent than the desire to “look good.” So I think there’s definitely a need to allow enough time to be sure some of those things are beginning to come to the surface. We also need to have a knowledge of what things we can live with (eg, certain annoying habits) and what things we cannot live with (like unrepentant sin).
That guy is really naive. And the scary thing is, he’s a music pastor! If he makes theses sorts of bad decisions in his personal life, what is he doing to the Church? Not to mention a pastor is setting an example to his church. So I guess it’s okay to divorce the woman you vowed before God to love until death do you part if she turns out to be a flake? What verse is that? Very, very sad.
Hey Chris, thanks for sharing. It’s nice to see a guy will share their thoughts on this site. Mostly I have seen women talking to themselves or each other. You are sooooooo right, talking must come first and this is a good avenue for it. But many people are on this site after busy days at work and it is difficult to find the time. I’ll be praying for God to give you a gal you can pour yourself out to and she to you. ( I’m a reference)
This may be kind of stretching, but you don’t necessarily go shopping and buy a pair of pants or a shirt just because it is labeled as your size. You need to try it on and see how it fits and if it looks good before you decide to buy.
Really, you can have a lot of things in common with someone, but still not really get along well with them. Just like an article of clothing may be your size, but doesn’t quite fit right.
I think Chris, albeit inadvertently, brings up a good point. Only through interacting and communicating with someone can you tell if you and that person are a good match. Dating sites give you common ground to work on, but most of the work is still up to you.
It seems to me that in general, most dating sites are really more like meat markets -they just throw a lot of options out there, and really don’t do any screening. Sure, they usually allow the user to search by various criteria, and offer matches based on what each has entered in his/her profile and the criteria of the searcher, but for those seeking serious relationship, the pickings really are pretty slim.
Then there’s eHarmony. eHarmony advertises itself as matching based on “29 key dimensions of compatibility”. With that many areas of your life in common, how could you possibly go wrong? At least that’s the argument. Even if it’s true, how could you possibly assume that you will be perfectly compatible with someone without talking to them and really getting to know them? And I’m sure that those “29 dimensions of compatibility” don’t include the most important -true spiritual compatibility. I’m not talking about just finding someone who has checked the “Christian (whatever denomination)” box. It’s something that the World doesn’t understand, so why should we expect them to incorporate it into their matchmaking practices? That’s at least one area where MW asks participants to offer far more useful information. But even still, it would be foolish to enter into marriage with someone without first learning their true spiritual state for yourself.
The biggest advantage I think that MW offers is that the pool is significantly filtered. By that I mean that by it’s nature, everyone using it at least professes to be looking towards marriage (it is called “Marry Well” for a reason).
The important take-away is that no website or technology can ever replace discernment. That’s our job, with the help of the Holy Spirit. Of course, in the fog of infatuation, it’s easy to overlook red flags. That’s why it’s also the job of our friends and family (and our responsibility to listen to them).
I think this pastor was extremely naive. At my church, my pastor requires 6 mths of pre-marital counseling before he will perform a wedding for anyone. I know that may sound like a long time but a marriage is a lifetime committment and putting the time into the pre-marital counseling is well worth it.
I find it hard to believe that this pastor did not know his wife was a party girl before he married her. If he didn’t, then he certainly didn’t spend enough time getting to know her and he can only blame himself for that.
I think this guy is ignorant, immature, and foolish, and I cant believe his church let this happen.
Others have been right in saying that online dating websites are only a tool to get married, not the end-all be-all. Which means that using some discernment is key! Putting trust into a website’s complex matchmaking techniques isn’t really a biblical way to go about finding someone who is compatible for marriage. Not to say that being matched on a website isn’t a good reason to explore some possibilities.
The good thing about MW is the ability to have references. Even then, I wouldnt rush into a serious relationship with someone who hadn’t been “screened” by my church family. This guy is a pastor for goodness sake, where is the accountability and care? Where is the discipleship and wisdom from his fellow pastors.. from other men in the church? Yikes.
Was the guy naïve? Certainly. But not overly so. People “fall in love” and get marry quickly quite often. Music pastors are often more on the emotional side, which is great for their job, but together with the usual amount of blindness that comes with falling in love, can lead to impulsive decisions.
It’s also difficult to find out whether a person parties a lot via online/long distance dating. I can totally see this happening. She didn’t party when he was there to keep up her facade, and she didn’t when she visited him. He wouldn’t have known unless he was able to find out from people who knew her.
The linked article said that couples who date online marry a lot quicker. Ignorance is bliss?
This sounds like an extreme case of deception and definitely some naivety involved on the part of the pastor. You can learn much about a person’s character through some time and observations, speaking with the friends, etc. This is much easier to do if attending the same church or having live mutual friends. Observing a person’s behavioral patterns and, more importantly, discerning whether they are living out a life passionate for Christ by being an example of grace to others, and continually repenting of sins are critical. If this person generally displays a general lack of trust, doesn’t seek accountability, is overly critical or lacks humility, and doesn’t have sound theology, these could be potential red flags that need further investigation.
Online dating and interactions and long distance relationships cause observing a person to be challenging. Being actively engaged with the person’s church family, other family and friends, and accountability partners to the extent possible can relate much about the person’s daily life.
Though, deception can happen even in live relationships. I have seen a couple of live dating cases when a fiancee (this time 2 men) entirely deceived his bride to be (Christian) of who he was and shrouded serious character flaws.
Though they suffered painful emotional or financial repercussions, by God’s mercy and protection, both women discovered this before their wedding days.
I think our human nature and desire to be with someone is mostly to blame for our being lulled into thinking someone is a good fit.
For me, I don’t think an online match gives it anymore weight. I always think of the Brad Paisley song, “Online”, and just assume that either intentionally or unintentionally a person’s profile is not fully representing their true self.
And then you throw in the fact that what one intends to communicate isn’t always received that way… and it comes again to time, in person, in community, a bit of FB and Google stalking, and a lot of prayer
To echo what others have said before, it’s great to have tools that can help determine compatability. While they certainly have some merit, nothing can replace the importance of discernment in determining if a person is the right match. It’s definitely naive to think that a computer program can determine whom you should marry. Yikes. :-/
The most important factors in my opinion are a passionate walk with the Lord and a strong character, and both of those take time to observe in another person. If they come up short, it doesn’t matter what their birth order is or how everything looks “on paper.”
Jenn, I agree with you that our desire to get married can really interfere with discernment — I don’t think we realize how much it can skew our judgment until it’s too late and we’ve already been burned. Another reason that it’s great that MW places such an emphasis on community — our family and friends can see things that we can’t, both good and bad.