When to Settle

The following post is reprinted from The Guide section of Marry Well.

Many women believe in the notion that to marry a man without certain traits or ambitions would be settling. And in their minds, settling is bad. No longer just a guideline, not settling itself is an overarching goal. Something worth striving for. As in: Finish that report for work, lose 20 pounds, get a boyfriend, don’t settle.

And so we find ourselves in the midst of a massive shift in marriage trends: women waiting longer than ever to marry, all the while holding out for their soul mate — “the one.” When a nice guy asks a woman out, if the sparks of attraction aren’t hot from the start, she turns him down, reasoning, sure, I want to get married someday, but I’m not about to … settle.

The Real Non-Negotiables

Have you ever known a man that you’ve thought about dating, but in the end, ruled him out because to do otherwise would be settling? If you’re holding out for perfection, or have a long list of must-haves, it’s possible you’re overlooking some good men who are already in your life. Knowing what about a potential mate is worth appreciating and what’s just eye candy has everything to do with when you should “settle.”

Choosing to marry a man — whomever he is — inevitably involves compromise (on his part, and yours). That’s why it’s not truly settling. It’s just making a decision. Something we do every time we pick one thing over another. In most areas, it’s called being decisive. For some reason we’ve made indecision noble when it comes to dating.

What’s needed is a new, objective standard for what makes a good match, because, for a Christian woman, there are some non-negotiables for choosing a mate. Thankfully we have a standard that’s completely reliable.

• A man must be a believer.
• He must be able and willing to provide for his family.
• He must love sacrificially.
• He must be honest, have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9)

If you’re measuring a man against that list, considering his aptitude for growing into full maturity in those areas, then marrying him is praiseworthy. Even if he is shorter than you. Or younger. Or bald. Failing to meet our worldly expectations — our romantic shopping list — is no liability if he meets biblical ones. That’s the only list that matters.

And marriage to such a man could hardly be called settling. In another day, it went by the much more pleasant, and desired, description: settling down.When faced with a big decision, my dad used to say, “Honey, you have to settle the issue. Make the best decision you can, in view of the wisdom of Scripture and prayer. Then move forward confidently.” Putting the unending list of options to rest is freeing. Once you make a decision, you can stop noodling, debating, and weighing the alternatives, and get on with the rest of your life.

“Find a good man and love him,” Marriage researcher Maggie Gallagher says. “Do it not only because it’s the best way to raise a family. Do it because spending your life actually loving a man, however imperfectly, is better than spending your time perpetually shopping for the right set of inner sensations in your brain (a.k.a. waiting for ‘the One.’).”

1. LadyElaine80 said the following on March 7, 2010 at 4:29 pm

   I agree with some of the points on this point, but it very much scares me how some will apply this according their understanding of the definition of settling, marriage, and non-negotiables.

   I do agree there is a difference between wanting someone you’re attracted to and wanting someone to be 185 pounds with no 2% body fat. I would hope, however, in our quest for making wise choices relationally, that we’re not only figuring out our non-negotiables, but examining the reasons WHY we cling to them so much. Many people have the first part down, but never stop to think that perhaps their justifications for their non-negotiables are part of the reasons why they’re still single(i.e. you don’t want a woman who has a career because you were really hurt in a relationship with a woman who was all about her career and therefore blacklist all women who have any professional aspirations whatsoever.)
2. mike said the following on March 8, 2010 at 12:36 am

   This reminds me of an article written by a lady named Lori Gottlieb that appeared in New Atlantic a few years ago.

   http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/

   She also just published a book expounding upon this article entitled “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough”

   http://www.lorigottlieb.com/books-marry.php

   I agree that everyone should nail down their list of non-negotiables, but everyone should also take a serious look at whether these are truly non-negotiables or merely preferences.
3. anwelei said the following on March 8, 2010 at 4:10 pm

   @ Mike: I read Gottlieb’s article and, as a woman approaching 30, I was uncomfortable through the entire thing, because she was spot on. I liked it quite a bit! I noticed that Gottlieb basically came to the conclusion that marriage is for family, and nearly all woman do eventually crave/need it. According to Candice’s book Get Married, that’s pretty much what God had in mind for the human race.

   Anyway, in regards to Candice’s article (which is written specifically for us women, I think), I love it. Especially because it lays out what the true Godly non-negotiables are in looking for a godly dude.

   Now, my only problem: finding any guy with which to compare to these principles!
4. Zeph317 said the following on March 8, 2010 at 7:19 pm

   Anwelei, I agree wholeheartedly w/ your last statement. When I first read the title to the article, my immediate thought was, “How can I have realistic and godly expectations for my mate, when it appears that there are no men available to settle down with?” I too am struggling to find any guy with which to compare to these principles. I joined this site because I can’t even find single men in my community and also with the hope that I could meet guy friends to which I could compare these principles. However, in my age bracket there are only about five guys who are active on the site. The rest have dropped off the site or are inactive.
   I’m with you 100%!
5. LadyElaine80 said the following on March 8, 2010 at 8:32 pm

   to zeph317 and anwelei:

   I understand how you both feel. I’m 29, and my younger sister is engaged to be married. But guess what? It’s not going to be the end of the world. My happiness is not contingent upon the misery of others or on getting married before a particular deadline.

   There are guys out there who are meeting the criteria for your non-negotiables; however, I think it’s important to note that the best thing you can do at this point is to actually get out there, enjoy your life,and BE OPEN to connecting with others in commmunity. Who knows? You may meet someone in your area that you hadn’t even realized was in your midst…
6. Rebekah said the following on March 8, 2010 at 10:46 pm

   I wonder (as a woman) if women are more picky over the years, or if it is fair to blame culture for unnaturally high expectations re:love, romance and marraige?

   What has changed that we need to be reminded that we won’t be marrying prince charming?
7. donna said the following on March 9, 2010 at 5:02 am

   Zeph317

   I know how you feel we are the same age and most of the male Christians I know are married. Or situations just do no arise to meet someone who is not or isn’t married and compatible etc.

   I just keep reminding myself that the site is in beta and so there is a lot of growth still to take place on the site as well as what ladyelaine mentioned, I look Suzanne Hadley for example over on Boundless.org who met her husband while going to Starbucks to get a coffee.

   Now because the one opportunity that came my way with a Christian guy was a missed one (due to non-negotiables actually) And it seems like I attract every unbeliever on the planet to which I say God has quite the sense of humor and it can spark up some convos about Him with them, I’m quite honestly not anticipating the latter to happen but I recognize that it can and love to hear those type of stories actually.
8. anwelei said the following on March 10, 2010 at 7:24 am

   @ Zeph317 and Donna:
   Since there are so few guys on this site, I’m using this site mostly as a way to get my family motivated to help me find a godly man. Nearly every Christian guy I know is married OR I’m related to them, lol. I feel your angst!

   @ LadyElaine80:

   Actually, I can honestly say that there are no suitable men right now. BUT I have been following the suggestions in Get Married. I even joined a singles church group.

   @ Rebekah: You said:

   “I wonder (as a woman) if women are more picky over the years, or if it is fair to blame culture for unnaturally high expectations re:love, romance and marriage? What has changed that we need to be reminded that we won’t be marrying prince charming?”

   I think I could write an entire essay in response to your superb post (in a good way, I swear).

   But to sum up my response: I think women have become picky in the wrong ways because we’ve bought into the notion that we all must marry only for Twu Luv (the notion that love is perpetual romance and that one has no choice in whom one falls for: the Soul Mate). Add to that the Idol Of Self (polished neatly in the 1960s era of no responsibility and rebellion) plus Western’s extreme focus with outward appearance (as opposed to character, morals, etc) and you’ve got today’s marriage: marry only on feelings and if it gets too difficult, get out. There is no room in this model for responsibility or purposefully searching/preparing for a lifelong commitment.

   To put it another way: What’s changed is that we don’t look for godly husbands anymore, we looking for Stepford Husbands! (I think anyway).
9. jjwsfrog said the following on March 10, 2010 at 1:00 pm

   I think that Godly Christian men can also have very high expectations and a strong desire to “not settle”. (…unreasonable or not is probably a matter for debate.) I certainly have high expectations. Unfortunately, this also results in me being single for a long time because I have written off past potential options. Maybe I need to review the Boundless list for guys…

   I’m sure part of the problem is probably my false sense of pride and overvaluing my own accomplishments. However, to be perfectly honest, I also find it to be a huge frustration that many women expect men to be X, Y, and Z… but have no desire themselves to be Z, Y, and X. It’s almost like every fairy tale story is designed for any woman to step into the role of “princess”, without any discussion on the fact that being a princess might take a lot of work. Or even that maybe (most) people really shouldn’t be trying to be a princess. Nothing wrong with being a stable maid…

   (Was going to say “wench” but not sure if that is quite appropriate for MW.)
10. LadyElaine80 said the following on March 10, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    re:jjwsfrog:

    Yes, I very much agree with you—unfortunately the unrealistic expectations cut both ways, as I’ve seen men (and women) ignore great people within their midst because whether or not they want to admit it, they’re looking for that perfect person. I think the problem is the manner in which we deal with those who don’t meet our expectations. A good rule of thumb: Does Christ act like that towards my failings and shortcomings? Am I acting in such a way that I’m putting my opinion as the higher standard over what matters to God?
11. AndreaElena said the following on March 10, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Saucy wenches unite!

    My issues with settling seem to have oft arisen from incompatibilities, rather than vastly unrealistic expectations. I wasn’t expecting an Adonis. (Good heavens, I’m no Aphrodite or Helen of Troy or Psyche.)

    However, there are times that I look back and I wonder if I was slightly too picky. Then I review what God led me to see about each of the relationships that made it a not-good match for me (and likely, for the guy too), and I again trace the “shape” of His hand in my life… and am reminded of His heart for me.

    I think I’ve wasted too much of my life pining for men who didn’t return my affection, “hiding” from the living of life, and not being the best steward of all that I am and all that I have. So… I would be floored if a man who would be a wise choice for me to marry would actually want to be with me! I would be amazed at God’s mercy and grace!

    Still don’t know who that man is. Still don’t know if my life is really ready for him to walk into it. In the meantime, I’m glad to cheer on others in their “love journeys.”

    So… I think perhaps the word “settle” needs reframing, as it has a kinda neutral connotation (as in, settling down [marrying and "getting serious" about life]) and a negative one (settling for someone, which implies getting the consolation prize). Perhaps we can think of settling as joyfully nestling into the place of nurturing and love that the two spouses, through Christ, help create for each other, for their children, and for those who will enter into their lives in the wider world.

    I’m looking forward both to being that “place called home” for my husband and to discovering that he is the same for me.

    In the great words of Jean-Luc Picard, please, dear Lord, “make it so.”
12. donna said the following on March 14, 2010 at 6:57 am

    @anwelei that’s a good use of the site:) I’m currently enjoying the fellowship on here, nothing like being able to connect with like minded believers even where differences arise!!
13. healthy_obsession said the following on March 14, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Hmmm…I guess my main concern is that how can a man ‘provide for his family’ if he is going into study?

    I only say this because Im 22 going into study next year and of course am hoping to meet someone at church whilst Im studying and Im not going to be able to afford to work a job that could provide for both of us, yes there are benefits I can take, but still spare money would have to be brought in by her. Is the fact that I’ll be studying towards a degree that will eventuate in me being able to be the sole breadwinner be enough for a potential wife?
14. SilverFire said the following on March 14, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    I have no problem with “providing” as long as a woman is content to live on my salary, but that’s the rub isn’t it? Even in the South, the cost of living has gone up and salaries haven’t kept pace. Then again, I’ve always wondered how people are able to afford buying a brand-new car (unless most people are underwater in debt). I’m sure there’s something about finances that I just don’t get.
15. girl4god said the following on March 20, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    It’s worth it to wait for a great guy, but I agree…they all have faults…just like we ladies do! The real question is, am I willing to sacrifice my rights and commit to loving an imperfect person, so we both can become more like Christ! (Yes, I am)