The Desire for Marriage is Good…
by Motte Brown
…and worthy of pursuit.
Pastor Matt Chandler from The Village Church in Dallas, Texas has a message for single women and men about marriage. He says women shouldn’t think pretending to be content will produce a husband and men shouldn’t think God will drop a wife in their lap without taking action.
Contentment and prayer are not mutually exclusive pursuits respectively when women hope for a husband and men search for a wife. Mind games may prove a temporary distraction but they won’t produce a suitor. And prayer is prudent and never a waste but Scripture is clear that godly wives are to be found.
Has anyone ever advised you to stop hoping and looking for a spouse so that God would bless you with one?
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While I think Pastor Chandler is correct, I think he’s missing the point.
The view that he is critiquing is borne out of our own experience as single people. We all know the people who were desperately praying and searching for a spouse, they finally decided that they would be content with God’s will whether or not God brings them a spouse, and BAM! they get asked out and engaged a few months later.
It’s really quite simple. People who come across as really desperate for a spouse are not very attractive. And this goes for both men and women.
With those kind of people, you’re thinking, do they really like me for me, or are they just desperate? Would they marry just about anybody? Are they so insecure about themselves that they don’t have meaning in life without a spouse? Are they seeking a spouse for mostly selfish motives?
We should definitely keep hoping, praying, and looking for a spouse, but we need to find our worth and contentment in Christ. We shouldn’t have to act like we’re desperate, and it’s just not attractive.
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@Psalm67 – I agree with your point that we need to seek contentment in Christ, and I doubt that Pastor Chandler would argue with that.
I think he is addressing a different issue altogether. When other people say “you need to learn to be content in Christ, and then God will bring you a husband” what they are technically preaching is a false-gospel. This is a works-based gospel that says, “if you do X, God will give you Y”. This attitude is all over in the church, and it is heretical. At it’s core is not only a works-based mode of thinking, but also a desire to control and manipulate the God of the Universe!
So, like you, I’ve seen those desperate ladies who in the end push guys away, but I’ve also seen those same desperate types of women who do get married. God’s ways are not our ways. He is not interested in having us “earn” His blessing, but yes, His desire is for us to love Him above all other desires.
I appreciate Pastor Chandler for challenging both guys and girls. I’ve definitely been reprimanded by friends when I’ve shared my desire to be married, and I don’t think I’m the desperate type either! Thank you, MW, for this encouraging voice of truth.
I’d actually have to agree with Psalm67 on this. Frankly, I think the big elephants in the room are this: Are we really willing to ask the tough questions as a community when it comes to singles and marriage? Are we willing to admit that we’ve (The Church)collectively failed our singles(who desire marriage) in providing a community of sharpening, accountable, supportive relationships by which to enter marriage? Is the Church willing to see that their demographic approach to ministry has turned marital status into a form of social hierarchy, segregation, and cliques?
Too often singles and the rest of the body are like two functioning islands operating separately from each other, instead of really embodying ONE BODY. Let’s get real here: being content in Christ is not tantamount to saying that you’re giving up on ever getting married. Being content in Christ means that you recognize that you can’t base your ultimate satisfaction in life on having your way, as that is simply an attempt to live outside reality. Such thinking guards against the idea that things and people are responsible for my happiness and worth. I am so tired of people who attack that advice when they really need to admit that they’re just as culpable by responding with their own multiple step program of advice for singles. Exercise some humility and say you don’t know and don’t have a clue, and then, LISTEN. Listen to them, not with an agenda to set them up playing in the back of your mind, listen to understand the single person in front of you. You may discover that the issues they face are not easily given with pat answers, and exercise some liberty. What God may instruct them to do in their own life is not going to be a mandate for the rest of the world to follow. Furthermore, if you want to see more God-honoring relationships to develop, then there needs to be an actual genuine attempt to engage with singles in their midst.
As for having a desire to be married, I don’t think the desire is wrong. But when your entire behavior is predicated on how it will get you dates and relationship possibilities,and not based on pleasing God and loving others as yourself, you are entering a slippery slope of idolatrous behavior. (And yes, idolatry is not simply worship of a metal or wooden image—it is means an excessive or obsessive devotion).
For those women who’ve been reprimaned about their desire for marriage:are you ALWAYS the one talking about it? You should be able to talk about something else just as passionately. If you’re always the one who winds up dominating the discussion about relationships and your singleness, then you’re giving off the aroma of desperation. You are a whole, complete person, and your life doesn’t start when you get married. If you think so, then such an attitude creates a prime opportunity for bitterness, resentment, and an ungrateful spirit to blossom.
After listening to Pastor Chandler a second time, I have to say there is one point that bothers me. He seemed to make light of the “gift of singleness”. I think this topic is a big point of confusion for a lot of believers.
In Carolyn McCulley’s book “Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye” she addresses the idea of singleness AND marriage being “gifts”. Basically, she says that both are gifts, and either one is not necessarily a permanent state of being.
So, technically speaking, right now I have the gift of singleness, and I am thankful for it. Maybe the opposite example would help…
My friend HAD the gift of marriage, and sadly, at the age of 29 her husband just passed away. She no longer has the gift of marriage. For all of us who desire marriage, even that is not a guaranteed life-long gift.
That’s why it is so important to value what God gives us each day, and stand firm in Him.
So, I didn’t appreciate him making light of “the gift of singleness”. But, as I said before, even though Pastor Chandler didn’t say it clearly, I do appreciate him pointing out the error in the church’s thinking that if we work hard enough to be “content” (or fake it well enough) we can manipulate the Almighty. That is so wrong.
Ok, I know I’m saying a lot here, so hear me out once more.
@LadyElaine, I think you have some good points. Yes, there are women out there who only talk about wanting to get married. I don’t know any, myself, but I know the picture you are painting.
I think what Pastor Chandler is addressing is that in the church we will often tell women who are struggling with this obsession that “well if you just do X, God will reward you with Y” and that is not true.
I think part of what you said is true to the solution. These women need to be encouraged to find their contentment in Christ, and we also need to exercise humility when talking with them – listen to them, to their hearts, their situation, and their struggles. We need to be slower to speak, and not have our main goal to be providing a quick solution or answer. Thanks for that reminder.
Thank you for speaking the truth!
Thats right you can be content all you want But and I do Say BUT the man will not come without him going after/looking for you. AMEN!
Thank you Matt Chandler You are Speaking the Truth and its been along time waiting!
Hey Rachael,
I may very well have misunderstood Pastor Chandler’s corrective. It’s just that I’ve never really heard anyone say “well if you just be content and stop looking, God will bring a spouse” and mean it, so it’s not really on my radar as far as bad things the church is obsessed with.
Then again, I’ve heard married people say a lot of pretty patronizing things to singles about what they need to do to find a spouse, so I definitely wouldn’t be surprised if I heard that one as well! As you said, there’s no quick solution or answer.
I’ve had that sort of speech foisted on me from all directions, from Grandmas and coworkers and schoolmates, all trying to impress on me the fact that the key to finding a spouse was finding contentment. My favourite speech was when my sister once told me to “fall in love with God before falling in love with a man.” Since I was trying very hard at the time to fall *out* of love with a man, I didn’t particularly appreciate her advice. I found the video funny and a reassuring break from that monotonous mantra, and I’ll probably try to track down the rest of the sermon. Not now of course, because it’s very late and I was supposed to be asleep ages ago. I hope that he was only making light of singleness at that moment to bring home his point because, as Rachael pointed out, singleness is a gift. Also, every breath that comes in and out of our lungs is a gift. Every day that goes by, whether we are married or single while we live them, is a gift.
I am very glad, however, that he laughed at how some of us train ourselves to live in lies and try to follow some kind of formula to make our dreams come true, not just on the subject of marriage but in anything that we desperately want. Some of us try constantly to give some part of our lives over to God in search of contentment in Him, or in hopes that He will give it to us as soon as we give up on it. We do it because we’ve seen it work out that way for other people. It’s even worked out that way for me. The trouble is that it is impossible to force contentment on ourselves: even contentment is a gift from God. It is often a long, gruelling process to get to give up a part of yourself that is so very dear to you. Instead of trying to assure God and ourselves that we have contentment, we ought to be praying that He will give us contentment.
I don’t believe that what my grandmothers, coworkers, schoolmates and sister told me is a complete lie. They were mostly pushing the importance of being content, probably because they don’t know how else to deal with my singleness, I was the one who turned their advice into a password to my own personal speakeasy. Contentment in Christ is always something to strive for, married or single. It is silly to treat it like a gauntlet that needs to be walked before God will give us what we want. Marriage is not the solution to all of life’s problems, often it’s not even the solution to loneliness, but it is a blessing that many of us desire and it isn’t wrong to be honest about that. Marriage and contentment are two separate things and we can just as easily ask for both. If we were to strive for genuine contentment as eagerly as we do for a husband or wife, it will bring us into a deeper relationship with God and a more thorough spiritual maturity, which will be a nice treat for the hypothetical spouse when he or she finally does show up.
I think the gist of what he was saying in this clip was that those of us who have the desire to be married will not progress spiritually or maritally by being ashamed of it or pretending to hide it. ‘Course I won’t know for sure until I’ve gotten hold of the whole sermon.
@ Rachael I agree, there need to be some sensitivity there when it comes to the gift of singleness, I do believe he’s speaking more to the fact of Paul’s gift, that he is freely and clearly called to celibate service and many who are not called to the same think they are and wrestle with that. Thing about it you can end up serving in celibate service and for a lifetime and still have a desire to marry for that lifetime. Yet the two are still different.
Concerning being told to be content, I met a fellow believer online who was 18 at the time and I speak to her this day linked to the fact that a coworker of mines felt she was asking an inappropriate question on a message board we both visited. The question was if God is the match maker essentially, how do you know when you’re marrying the right guy? (which is another topic for another day:)) My coworker saw in her question, I want to trick you guys into telling me I can date so that I can be sexually active.
How she saw that I don’t know to this day. I told her she is probably a virgin seeking to please the Lord in this area of her life, not wanting to get it wrong ultimately. Coworker shared with me what she’d say to the girl prior to posting it and because I strongly disagreed with her stance, she backed off a bit but in the end told her be content. I inboxed the girl and told her to be careful of what advice she takes in and examine everything via the word. And she said oh I’m young and a virgin I’m just curious because I hear this a lot so I wanted clarity.
@Psalm67 I know of one female in my 13 years of being a Christian that fits into the category of being desperate…has much to do with my circles as well I’m sure not saying that’s the norm just sharing my experience and we as the body encouraged her to be content but in the end she found contentment after realizing what she was seeking wasn’t going to be found in the guys she’d been dating but in Christ alone.
@Lira & @LadyElaine-good points!!
As far as the question have I experienced this goes yes!!! And as I think about it I pretty much put a gift of singleness on a pedestal at the time oppose to the other way around. Not only viewing it as the better gift but deciding that was the gift for me because my life prior to Christ consisted of my being single primarily and I could live quite well solo so yeah I’m called to celibate service must be. Wasn’t seeking marriage not even sure why the thought came into my head but I guess at that moment I needed to declare my singleness to self so when asked I could let others know why I had no plans to marry ever.
And it was the Holy Spirit that led me to learn otherwise, after my enlightenment:) a guy began to show interest I’d began to study marriage in the word and seek advice from fellow believers, especially married believers as I waited for the guy to pursue I was told to be content. Which as I’ve shared on here before ended up looking like I’m so not interested in you dude go away! Yet thinking I’m being wise, praying and waiting.
I was sharing with a fellow believer just recently how much boundless and Carolyn McCulley’s blog had been such a blessing for me because I hadn’t gotten any answers when I sought them…from people that is and in some cases I didn’t get clear answers from God until His perfect timing. So in that I shared the situation with her about the guy, otherwise what I was sharing wouldn’t have made any sense.
Her reply to me was oh Donna the Lord will send someone your way, if a guy truly wants you he will pursue you no matter what, look at my situation with __________ no matter how many times I said no to him, he just kept at it and look at Sara, she had kids still although she was older and on and on and on.
My reply to her was rather I marry or not I’m grateful, but my story is my story.
My unrest prior to that wasn’t being discontent in singleness, but not getting the correct answer for my specific situation which kept did keep the topic on my mind often. But answers ultimately comes from above period so I personally feel like it was a beautiful lesson. I’m now able to empathize with others who experience the same.
When it comes to the topic as a whole, discernment truly needs to replace cookie cutter answers and personal experience can at times blind us from seeing the full picture and need of the person coming to us for advice/council. Not always thinking about the scripture that backs up what we’re saying but examining rather there is a verse that agrees with what the individual speaking to us is saying. A person obsessive concerning marriage or anything in this life will always come to the one who has a listening ear so if there is idol worship in the mist of that, it’s going to come out then I don’t know that a message on contentment should follow at all but a talking to about having other gods before the one true God which is a dangerous dangerous thing!
SMH sorry for typos and by kids speaking Isaac and by Paul having the gift mean had the gift:)
From a man’s perspective, it is important to learn how to properly and actively approach the issue of “searching for a wife”. In my case, I learned early how not to do the wrong things, but was never really taught how to do the right things. I am grateful for eventually having found godly teaching and advice on this, such as on boundless.org, and appreciate the focus of MW on intentionality. The thinking that “God will drop someone in your lap” can be a misleading escape from insecurity and risk. Still, I agree with previous comments on the danger of being obsessive and coming across as desperate. It’s about balance.
As a member of The Village, I’ve heard Matt speak on this a number of times, and have greatly appreciated it each time I’ve heard it. Like several others who have commented here, I quite often hear the pat answer of “Well, when you quit looking and when you’re content with Christ, you’ll find it”. The result, too often, is what Matt’s addressing here – women essentially covering their eyes, saying “I’m not looking…you’re all I need, God”, all the while peeking through their fingers to see if God’s dropping the man in front of them yet. As Rachael said, it’s a form of manipulation.
I think that part of what I appreciate most about this message is the freedom that it gives me as a woman to say that yes, I do desire marriage. I believe that God has placed that desire within me, and I don’t need to deny it, in some misguided hope that if I do so, He’ll give it to me. In the midst of that, I do need to find my contentment in Christ. But that’s true in any stage of life. Finding our worth, our fulfillment, our satisfaction in Him alone is something that we must do daily, and that call is certainly not limited to singles.
@Psalm67 – interesting that you find people who’ve actually have that BAM scenario, but not any who really believe the ‘be content and then you’ll get a mate’ scenario. I have experienced the opposite. The first is an out there somewhere scenario (that we’ve heard of but don’t know any/many who’ve lived it), but it feeds the 2nd idea.
I don’t think most people would come out and say they believe it, but many sure act like they do. I hear lots of Reverse Psychology type statements that reflect this belief, like, ‘i just have to stop wanting it so much and then it’ll happen’.
@ all: Without hearing the rest of the sermon, I think most of us are putting too many words into Matt’s mouth.
@Jenn – I know all kinds of people who found spouses who weren’t really looking. A former roommate, my sister, etc.
As to why I haven’t really heard the “be content and then you’ll find a mate” … well, most of the churches I’ve been to would have gotten the MarryWell(tm) seal of approval in encouraging people to get married. I was always the oddball in the bunch who was just fine being content, so it’s not surprising if that particular gem of wisdom was never passed on to me.
Now that you mention it, though, I have heard people do the reverse psychology on themselves! I think it’s a mental tactic that Christian women do to combat anxiety because they feel they have little control over their situation.
When people tell you to be content so that God can bring you a wife/husband, they’re not saying “turn the crank and the magic gumball machine called God will give you what you want tomorrow!”. They’re saying that if you want something else more than you want God, that’s idolatry and He won’t reward that. Once you get your eyes trained on God, then you can see clearly to go where He leads you, and those paths will fulfill your heart’s desire.
The biggest problem in Christianity today is overthinking.
“The biggest problem in Christianity today is overthinking.”
Really, SilverFire? I would argue that it’s the opposite–that people are not thinking hard enough about Scripture and their relationship with God. There’s a lack of devoutness and fervency overall that I have found disappointing.
“I’ve never really heard anyone say “well if you just be content and stop looking, God will bring a spouse” and mean it, so it’s not really on my radar as far as bad things the church is obsessed with.”
Psalm67, this is very common in my personal experience. I heard this time and time again in highschool and college.
I am frustrated with the false dichotomy of if men/women aren’t content with their singleness, than they talk about it too much and look desparate.
In the last 6-12 months I have started to open up about my desire for marraige and family, but I do talk about MANY other things too. If someone, purposefully asks me how they can pray for me, I will ask tell them that “although I am still young, I have a strong desire for marraige and a family”. There is freedom in being honest about this desire rather than feeling forced to hide behind false contentment.
Yes, I am v. tired of being the only one “on my team”, but whether I am making an idol out of marragie is between me and God (although my accountability partner and my mentor am welcome to weigh in).
Hey Rebekah,
I didn’t intend any statement about being desperate and not being content to be taken personally — I apologize, and I should have qualified my statements better.
I guess I’m thinking in more extremes. It’s a good and healthy thing to talk about desires for marriage at proper times within appropriate contexts: family, close friends, single-sex small groups, etc. You’re absolutely right: As Pastor Chandler wrote, honesty is freeing and good. And praise God that you have people in your life that you can share that with!
When I think of desperate, I’m thinking of people who actually and truly make it an idol. People who talk about it all the time, at inappropriate times, to people they don’t know very well, etc. (i.e. my mother tells strangers she has just met that she has a very nice single son. NOT cool.)
I’m thinking of people who constantly complain about not being able to find a spouse. (Expressing dismay is fine — ungrateful complaining like Israel in the wilderness is not). You also have the guys that keep asking out every single woman in the church without taking the time to get to know them first.
@Rebekah:
There’s nothing wrong with that desire. And it’s good that you’re honest about it. But have you ever spent time with God and asked Him what your expectations are concerning marriage vs. what He says/has told you? This is not to say that marriage has its blessings and benefits.
And the only false dichotomy that comes up is the one that people who don’t know how to respond to a single’s desire for relationship(or are projecting their answers onto you). You should just point blank ask them, “Are you saying this because you’re tired of hearing me talk about this and you don’t know how to help/don’t know what to say, or because you see something in my behavior that’s hindering my ability to enter into a healthy, God honoring relationship?”
LadyElaine, I think you hit the bulls-eye with that question. I think that’s a great question to ask people. Not only does it cause them to think about why they’re saying whatever they’re saying, but it also shows humility in wanting to hear the truth. I would even add onto that question and ask them if they see any sinful behavior or twisted motives in my honest desire for marriage.
Everyone has had different experiences with folks giving them input – whether they are content, or desperate, getting good advice, or being told to fake-it, or whatever, this question really addresses all the different issues and helps to bring the relationship and conversation back to Christ.
@ ladyElaine80
Yes, I have spent time talking with God about my expectations in life and his greater story. I am fully convinced that no relationship will ever be a bed of roses and that there are worse things than being unmarried. And I am very watchful (as are my mentor and accountability partner) that my frustration with this one aspect of my life does not turn into doubting God’s character.
I would catagorize myself as “ready for the next change in my life” rather than “desparate”. Desparation looks more like panic or online dating . . . ;-p
I should have also said that I appreciate the concern and encouragement thrown my way.
Lots of good discussion here. I’m only jumping in to recommend watching Matt’s four part video called Defining Masculinity after the topic video. It is superb as well.