Addressing a sexual past

A girl who has been a virgin her whole life meets a great Christian man.  Things seem to be going well but she’s starting to wonder about his sexual past–what if he’s been with other women or had a problem with pornography? Should she ask these questions? And if so, when?

Dr. Russell Moore, Dean of the School of Theology at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, takes on this question on his blog.  His response is Biblical, helpful and hopeful–and here’s how he wraps it up: “Jesus was a virgin. His Bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway.”

1. Kristen said the following on March 10, 2010 at 9:48 pm

   “Jesus was a virgin. His Bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway.”

   One of the best responses I have heard in regards to this topic. Reminds me of Hosea.
2. SilverFire said the following on March 10, 2010 at 9:52 pm

   I think the writer gives a very good answer, but I don’t think it will be accepted.
3. pres84 said the following on March 11, 2010 at 5:29 am

   I don’t see how you can say it any better; simple, undeniable and to the point.

   @SilverFire:
   I am curious, why do you think that it won’t be?
4. Rachael said the following on March 11, 2010 at 9:26 am

   I think this is a great article, but I am curious, for MEN who have remained pure and are faced with women who have made mistakes, what do you think about this article? I assume that even though the example was of a virgin woman that it could be addressing vice versa situations also.

   I think his advice is good, but I would probably seek to involve some male friends (married men whose families I’m close with, a pastor, an elder, father or brother) in my relationship. Perhaps if some trust is built over time these MEN could initiate conversations with him about those topics. I would hope my male friends would be interested in evaluating a potential spouse in all areas, not just sexual, to be sure that he is not in a pattern of sin or unrepentant. But the topic of sex is particularly better suited for them to discuss man-to-man. (For guys, find a married woman you trust to get to know the girl you are pursuing also.)

   I’m not negating the advice given in the article. I think that is also worthy advice. Just adding something that I think would also be helpful.
5. AndreaElena said the following on March 11, 2010 at 10:50 am

   My understanding of the article is that it was addressing (1) the gal’s particular situation (she and dude in question were at an early stage of dating; it would have been inappropriate to dig into each other’s sexual pasts at that point) and (2) the view that a virgin often feels “owed” another virgin for a spouse. Not that it was addressing the “ok, now it’s time to talk about our sexual history” conversation that should be had before engagement.

   I don’t remember which Boundless blog post covered this topic, but there is one — about that delving too deeply into the “gory” details of each other’s sexual past is both unnecessary and unwise. The larger highlights (ur… lowlights?) are all that are really necessary. And that means that the gal in the letter at the beginning of Dr. Moore’s blog post would need to either ask the tough questions of her boyfriend or at least initiate the discussion, if he doesn’t. I cannot imagine not knowing that my boyfriend had or hadn’t been sexually active or had gotten over a pr0n addiction or whatever and agreeing to engage myself to him.

   All that said, I really do appreciate the point Dr. Moore makes about the attitudes of both parties, the virgin and the nonvirgin, about pasts and about the reasons for particular acts of obedience.

   I also appreciate the commenter over at Dr. Moore’s blog post who pointed out that weighing the significance of a person’s past and his/her present when considering marriage truly is important and shouldn’t be glossed over.

   My concern about marrying a nonvirgin is that the man had been previously “joined” to a woman — which is treated pretty seriously in Scripture. Some interpretations state that the joining doesn’t end until death. I’m not really sure what I believe about this yet. (I see valid points made by both perspectives.)
6. eameyer said the following on March 11, 2010 at 1:14 pm

   even when there is repentance, a turning around etc. consequences and residual problems still exist. How do we deal with those? Wrong thoughts cause wrong expectations and more.

   With 50% having been involved in porn and anywhere from 50-80% having a former sexual relationship, then what? How do you WORK thru the leftover problems that come with this baggage during dating/courtship? anyone have any resources on this?

   Mrs. M
7. USALady63 said the following on March 11, 2010 at 9:16 pm

   Thank you Jesus!
8. USALady63 said the following on March 11, 2010 at 9:21 pm

   Ladies and Gentlemen:

   We are all born with Baggage!!!
9. vananna said the following on March 11, 2010 at 9:51 pm

   Best resource I’ve encountered: http://www.witministries.com

   Be open and honest. Nothing can counter that.
10. Psalm67 said the following on March 12, 2010 at 12:21 am

    Mrs. M, re: baggage, especially of past moral failings, I think being in a solid, healthy Christian marriage with spouses who are committed to each other unconditionally is an ideal place to experience forgiveness and healing in those areas. Repentance, accountability, honesty, and trust are keys to that.
11. SilverFire said the following on March 12, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    I just don’t think that the advice given will make much headway against the social/moral construct of porn being the unforgivable sin. There’s a long, long way to go for the church to bring those struggling against a porn addiction into the full light of fellowship instead of treating them as lepers.

    As for me, being a virgin male, I really don’t see any problem if the shoes were on the opposite feet. I just don’t see you finding someone who hasn’t screwed up sexually in one way or another — and if you’re over 30, that number is pretty much zero. So it’s acceptance, forgiveness, and reality.
12. Ashk525 said the following on March 12, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    I think that this is where the beauty of grace comes into play. I can relate to the female’s quandry, in terms of that I’m saving myself for my husband, because I love him enough to save myself for him. I have struggled with this, thinking that if I saved myself for him, then why couldn’t he do the same for me? However, we all make mistakes, and thankfully, God doesn’t weigh the sin. He offers forgiveness and grace. His grace is enough. I think that once this is acknowledged, and there is still a problem with it, then it becomes a heart issue. I love the quote by Dr. Moore, says it all.
13. teachergirl10 said the following on March 12, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    I think it is important for the person who learns about their boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s past, to have time to process the information and even grieve the loss. The person who has repented of their sin has had time to go through the process, the person just getting this information has not. It seems odd that we might expect them to be okay with it the moment they find out. It’s one thing to accept something in theory, but another when faced with it in real life. Granted the willingness to think about it and come to the conclusions beforehand will make it easier (theoretically) when it is reality. Now it is equally important not to get stuck there (in the grieving stage), but to move forward in forgiveness and grace. It is easy to put this type of sin in a different category because of the nature of it, but it makes a huge difference to remember that all sin is equally horrible to God and that He has extended mercy and grace to us all.
14. eameyer said the following on March 12, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Went looking for a resource that covered some of my concerns that while grace and forgiveness are there, you still have some big things to cover because of the nature of these sins.

    http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/forgive-sexual-past

    I am dumfounded by the stat I found by the CDC that only 4.8% of women in 25-29 are still virgins. They didn’t have a stat for men, but I assume it would be worse. TALK ABOUT GRIEVING! I just ache trying to fathom this, please tell me it’s not true.
15. Jenn said the following on March 13, 2010 at 4:15 am

    I think this portion was the crucial part of the post: “What’s important for you to know is how he views sexual immorality. A man who will brush off past fornication as “no big deal” from which he’s “moved on” is a man with a conscience trained to do the same thing with future adultery.”

    I dated a guy with a “past” and when he was showing me an old photo album, I saw pictures of him and some gal sharing a bed. He just chatted on about whatever trip that photo had been taken on, while I mentally fell on the floor in shock that he even still had those pictures, much less thought they were no big deal. It became pretty obvious that he didn’t view that part of his life as a very serious sin.

    There’s a lot of insecurity and questions that I would have if I married a guy with a sexual past. Him viewing that past through God’s view (it’s serious, repent, find grace, live differently) would certainly help.

    I pray that I will have the grace and humility to not hold baggage or old sins against my future husband. Just as I hope he’ll do for me.
16. Rachael said the following on March 13, 2010 at 6:49 am

    @teachergirl10 and @Jenn

    I think you both have great advice. Thank you for sharing!
17. donna said the following on March 14, 2010 at 6:50 am

    Love the answer he gives!!

    And want to share, it’s also important to note for those that are waiting that there are varying reasons as to why some people lose their virginity. I personally had mines taken away in my youth. God so beautifully covered me however that I wasn’t sexually active on my own until I was 21 years old and not bragging as if that is a good thing was still in sin I was not married, but as an unrepentant sinner with non-virgins all around me and not a lacking of desire, that’s the only way I can explain that that God covered me. And when I did become sexually active, it was part rebellion against God although I didn’t realize it at the time wondering what I’m waiting for if His kids were not, and part well if I have sex voluntarily I won’t have to deal with the shame of being molested. And around that same time the Holy Spirit was pursuing me and opening my eyes. Prior to voluntarily having sex, I’d eventually gotten to a place that it had to be special for me to give my body away but when I reached 21 and my Christian friends were sexually active, leaving me to ask well if they’re not virgins why am I waiting? I went for it one the biggest mistake of my life. I eventually got pregnant with my daughter and shortly after her birth was redeemed. It was this situation that showed me my sin state however and developed a great value and appreciation for biblical sex and marriage in me. My daughters’ dad would try to call and rekindle a past but it would make me so angry and utterly disgusted me but in that I realized I was completely delivered and took me a bit longer to come to terms with being molested but I’m no longer bitter over what happened to me and my own choices now have to do with me and my God not anything that was done to me or what another is doing.

    I’m not saying there won’t be a past I’ll always have memories but I’m not bound by said past.

    That’s extremely important what teachergirl mentioned about mourning, not sure where I first heard of doing such a thing as it relates to another persons sexual past, may have been a question submitted to boundless but it is something that upon learning of the need it’s been my prayer that if I do marry when the topic comes up rather the guy is a virgin or not however he reacts apart from holding the sin against me, to not get in the way of his grieving over my choices and vise versa.

    But sharing this to say it’s not always as easy and clear cut as I’ve waited but you gave it away now what?
18. healthy_obsession said the following on March 14, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    So ladies I have to ask would you stop dating a guy simply because he had a past? Or even break off an engagement because of his past?

    I have to say I do worry about telling my future gf/fiance/wife about my past, and I have a reason to, I’ve never been a saint, and at the same time Im not glib about it all, I do regret the choices I made, but at the same time I can bring experience to the table which makes things all the more fun for everybody, right? And I agree with the authors point of having a flippant attitude towards your past sin, especially sexual sin, would leave you exposed to a flippant attitude towards adultery, however I can’t say my attitude towards my past is flippant, I recognize my actions were dumb and stupid, but Im going to make the most of them (e.g. bring skills to the marriage bed)

    I don’t think Im ‘owed’ a virgin or even a ‘non-virgin’(??) because of my past, to be quite honest I just want someone who loves me for me and wants to do life with me. But I do worry that there will be girls who think they deserve ‘more’. It almost seems a bit of a ask in todays society to ask for a guy who hasn’t mucked it up or has an issue with porn.
19. anythinggenuine said the following on March 15, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Dr. Moore has a great way of diffusing issues like this by offering a unique perspective. I think he is dead on in his point that the real issue is how is your past effecting you currently. Do you display godly grief that led to repentance, or have you simply “gotten over it”? My pastor made a point in his sermon yesterday about hating sin. He said, “You can’t hate something you don’t dislike.” Simply to refrain from sex or pornography in a legalistic way but without renewing your mind to hate that sin is something that this conversation in a relationship should reveal.