Men and Marriage
What draws a man to marriage? What keeps him away? Where does marriage fit into a man’s Christian walk and how does he marry well if he hasn’t seen good modeling? These are significant questions–especially in a day when we hear complaints about the lack of good, Christian men who are ready for marriage. And so we took those questions to Steve Farrar. Steve is the founder and chairman of Men’s Leadership Ministries in Bryan/College Station, Texas, and brings his message to thousands of men each year. He holds a master’s degree from Western Seminary and an earned doctorate from Dallas Theological Seminary.
Here’s the conversation we had with Steve about men and marriage:
MW: We were intrigued by a CDC study [1] in which men were more likely than women to say that it’s better to get married than to spend the rest of your life single. What do you think it is about marriage that men are drawn to?
Steve: It’s not good for the man to be alone. Down in their guts many men realize that there is more to life than self-fulfillment. Unless a guy has the gift of celibacy, it is a God-given desire for him to find a woman that he will go through life with. He is stronger with her than without her. She fits and complements him. I think godly, masculine men want to find a wife, have kids, and get after life. We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we might walk in them. Finding a godly woman, having a bunch of kids, doing your work to the glory of God and finishing strong are all a part of those good works that God prepared beforehand. Then you die and go to heaven and it gets even better.
MW: But even while marriage is a draw for men, we also see a lot of caution and reluctance. What do you see driving that?
Steve: Guys don’t want to screw up. Some of them come from divorced homes and don’t want to ever repeat that. Some are afraid of commitment for a number of reasons–maybe the fear of failure. To those guys I say when you find a godly woman who “gets” you, marry that woman. And when you get married, burn your ships. When Cortez landed in Mexico, his men looked back at the harbor and saw smoke. Cortez had burned the ships and there was no going back. When you burn your ships, divorce is not an option. You just keep moving ahead and working stuff out. If you are reluctant to burn your ships, you are not ready to get married.
MW: How significant is the process of finding and committing to a wife in a man’s spiritual journey?
Steve:I think it’s a big deal. It means you are taking a huge responsibility that you will never walk away from. It will teach you to become a spiritual leader and a servant. It will help you become less selfish and more mature. And it will certainly reveal to you how teachable you are. If you’re not teachable, you will never grow–as a man, a husband, a father or as a Christian.
MW: What do you recommend for the man who hopes to end up in a good marriage, but hasn’t seen any good models in his own life?
Steve: This question puts me in the very uncomfortable spot of recommending my own book. For the man who is lacking in male role models, I would suggest that he read Point Man: How A Man Can Lead A Family. Although I wrote the book, the real author of the book was my dad, Jim Farrar. I just watched him and wrote it all down. My dad died one year ago today at the age of 85. I am grateful for his leadership. Paul said, “you follow me as I follow Christ.” That’s what my dad did for me. I simply pass it all along to other guys in Point Man. And one more thing–when you find a man who is a strong godly role model, just hand around the guy and watch the guy. And then do what he does.
MW: Great advice.
Note:
[1] In a CDC study (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_026.pdf) in May 2006, more men than women agreed with the statement “it’s better to get married than to go through life being single” (Tables 37 and 38 of the study show that 66% of men agreed or strongly agreed with this statement compared to only 50.6% of women. Among those raised Fundamentalist Protestant, the combined agrees and strongly agrees represented 68.4% of men but only 59% of women).
Copyright 2010 Marry Well.
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Sep 9
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Good
Quick someone post that on a Billboard. I am tired of waiting to get married.
Yes I agree its better to get married. I do not like signle life. It is not fun like they say. Its missrable. I have done it all and do not care about signleness.
I would like to be married and have kids!
Mr Blode hair and blue eyes 6″ 2 godly man. with kindness, willing to lead and be gentle. Are you out their?
Sadly, I’ve been finding that many godly men have been terribly wounded by ungodly women they’ve been involved with. And now they are acting in fear and resentment in relating to women. But, thank the Lord, His strength is made perfect in our weakness. And no plan of His can be thwarted.
Amen Belle!
I know you are on to something with your comment, because I have been there myself, and know the affects of ungodly impacts of women on men. For the record, this shouldn’t be read as an excuse, because I don’t mean it that way. But I do believe, with some experience on the matter, that an ungodly woman’s impact on a man, is profound. God designed this in a way that, as Paul says, is a mystery. But part of the mystery I have found, so far, is that there is a designed closeness that amplifies things in a relationship. Be it good (as God intended it) or bad (ungodliness amplified) the dynamic is there. This applies to ALL stages of the relational process, and it’s not wholly gender specific either. It is a two way street. But it’s good to hear someone speak on this, in particular, the ungodly women to men aspect. I have not read a public comment or insight on this anywhere!
Yes, Godfollower, most women don’t understand the power they have to deeply scar a man. But a man of faith will wait on the Lord and His strength will be renewed and he’ll mount above it. PTL!
Belle and godfollower:
That reminds me of a Trisha Yearwood song: “The woman before me must have been hard on you, / ‘Cause that hurt in your eyes I never put you through. / Sometimes I think you must be talkin’ to / the woman before me and you.”
So… for us women who want to “do good to him all his days,” and not harm or maim a man in any way… how do we specifically build up our brothers in Christ so that we aid in their believing again that they can love a good woman?
I like how Steve Watters phrased it in the recent Boundless podcast — being part of a redemption story. That’s how we women of God ought to frame our interactions with our brothers in Christ, I think. (Steve was referring to dating and marrying a man who had divorced biblically, as his reply to an Inbox query… but I think the phrase also applies in general to believers’ lives in various ways, since the living out of our redemptions is a lifelong thing… and it’s something every believer has to do.)
Mmm, that’s good, Andrea. Redemption in action; another way to live out the life of Christ! Reminds me of Queen Lucy in Narnia carrying around her healing potion.
I must check out this Boundless everybody keeps talking about. Obviously, I’m out of the loop.
Is the author impugning the masculinity of men who don’t want to raise children? I think that’s inescapable, but more so, he seems to deny the salvation of those that do. That’s kinda scary.
Also, what does the author mean by “getting after life”? Are we talking more of the man-as-sole-breadwinner and keeping your job until you die? Those days are long gone, I’m afraid, and I wouldn’t have fit into them even if it was 1950.
I really have to wonder why Christians are so busy narrowing down the definition of masculinity instead of respecting the diversity of men in the body. No, some of us are not going to be lumberjacks; we’re geeks instead. Some of us aren’t going to be sports nuts; we’re car wizards instead. You get the idea.
I enjoyed this article and am grateful to the Marry Well team for publishing it in an attempt to spur men on to the high calling of marriage.
re: SilverFire-
I agree 100%. I think when we try to define masculinity apart from what Scripture teaches(clearly and explicitly), then we’ll be out of balance and putting God in a box. There are different types of men and women. What matters is character—and that’s not always easily identified by bank accounts, education, or even physical appearance.
I think what repels men away from marriage involves society, the church, and others. But most of the time it involves a mixture of pain and prudence—-pain from dysfunctional disasters in relating with women and as a man in the world, and prudence from a natural instinct to protect yourself from future pain. A wounded person naturally tries to protect themselves from future injury if at all possible.
re: AndreaElena
Yes, I do believe that men and women in community rarely see how easily we hurt each other. I wonder if there is a way to be balanced/gracious in our approach to the wounded without lovingly communicating and enforcing our personal boundaries as well.
I personally struggle with the whole godly man/ungodly woman dynamic in terms of the relational shrapnel of men. I think it’s because I’ve seen so many great women get overlooked by the pretty girls who are either (a)baby Christians,and (b) are church girls (unsaved but just going to church) who are looking for a nice guy.
Lady Elaine said: “I think it’s because I’ve seen so many great women get overlooked by the pretty girls who are either (a)baby Christians,and (b) are church girls (unsaved but just going to church) who are looking for a nice guy”
WE CAN REPEL MEN FROM MARRIAGE by the behaviors we do that drive the men to the (a) and (b) girls.
See the Beth Moore recommended book, “For Women Only: the inner lives of Men”. It helped me see WHY some of these girls get picked.
A really good example of why men choose this way is the TV show, “The Bachelor” (pathetic not recommended) that I analyzed this season. The bachelor had a clear choice between a good girl with character and the beautiful sensuous one as his final two. What a dichotomy! We think logically duh? this is no contest. Women in droves thought he would choose wife and character. He did not. It was the most unpopular ever selection on the series. He defended his choice. Why? lots of reasons, all tied to the “inner lives of men”.
1. MAKE HIM FEEL WANTED, NEEDED, SPECIAL.
Vienna (the sensual one) made him feel like the “only guy on earth”. She directed him into the world of feeling wanted and special. He said, “she looks at me like no one else in the room exists”. Playful and passionate won over “mom material with character”. Does that mean we drop the character? By No Means! We need to know how to convey properly, being “wanted and desired”, thru the phases of relationships.
2. LOOKS MATTER TO MEN. It’s a hard fact of life. Attraction levels can be influenced by behavior but appearance matters. Thank God for your unchangeables, and change the things you can. He wants his friends to think he “did well” not to pity him. This can also be the way you present yourself.
3. BECOME APPROACHABLE: Guys don’t want to feel like they have to “live up” to a woman in a way that makes them always feel inferior. The Bachelor about the “good girl” said clues to the feeling she gave him, “I can’t be myself around her. She makes me want to be better but I’m not sure I can. I’d feel like I was always falling short”.
Indicator Clues: “she’s so intimidating, perfect etc.” Heard this one “she’d make a great pastors wife, but that’s not for me”. So you know more theology? learn to just ask questions. You are better educated? start listening to his dreams. (I would say just shut up, bat your eyes, but that would get a reaction. It would work though, hee hee)
Christian guys operate similarly because they are wired that way too. Their inner needs get met by these “other girls”. GET TO KNOW THOSE NEEDS!
Next time ladies these a) & b) church girls are doing their thing (power plays conscious or sub-consciously) or the guys see them as easier to connect to, step up and into that world. Do not hang back and watch. Protect the men. AND MAKE SURE THE GUYS KNOW
1. you sincerely think they are wonderful, special and wanted.
2. you care about your appearance and work at it.
3. you wish to elevate them and show them respect.
4. that you are friendly and approachable.
In the shortage of men situation, I know a young lady of 20 who merely through her friendliness, demeanor and attention to young men has at least half a dozen prospects (that I know of, but one has just stepped forward). How does she do this you ask? She knows how to do the above, without flirting! She is approachable AND also pro active.
I have had a young man come up and say, “I think R might have a crush on me” “Why?”, I ask. The response, “Because she singles me out to talk, she looks at me with that great big smile and her eyes light up”. “Oh”, I say, “so what do you want to do about it?”.
bye, I’m off to they gym and what do you think about some new make up?
Mrs. M
Book source:
http://www.shaunti.com/BooksStudies/tabid/123/Default.aspx
Gentlemen there is a book for you too. For Men Only.
Thanks eameyer. From a single guy’s perspective I think that points #1-3 in your post are dead on. The book looks interesting too …
Of course, different guys have different personalities, so the specifics may vary. However, I suspect that if all Christian women made an effort on those three points, there would be far fewer wondering where all the great guys are at…
Thanks eameyer. From a single guy’s perspective I think that points #1-3 in your post are dead on. The book looks interesting too …
Of course, different guys have different personalities, so the specifics may vary. However, I suspect that if all Christian women made an effort on those three points, there would be far fewer wondering where all the great guys are at…
Eaymeyer, I appreciate the fact that there you are on here to coach and encourage. Thanks.
Opps… part of the above above pasted twice. Sorry.
See, there’s another whole side to this “guys need to step it up” theme, and that’s that “girls need to be approachable”. Eameyer has it exactly right.
Yeah I learned the approachability lesson the hard way. I’ve always considered myself an approachable person so I couldn’t understand why a guy who showed interest wouldn’t approach me about it. We were friends already and when I asked advice about it I got very unrelated advice like, when you’re not looking the guy for you will come or singleness is a gift enjoy where you are LOL or guard your heart, but one that was related to my question is if he’s truly interested in you he’ll pursue you no matter what.
Mkay so I’ll just continue praying and wait and to my surprise when another girl began to hint of interest around him he took the bait. I was angry because I felt he should know better and he should pursue her not the other way around so I recall speaking to my mom about it at the time and when I explained the situation to her she told me well when he approached you you didn’t respond and he moved on. He would drop little hints but I never realized it until I spoke to my mom in detail about it and he also said clearly in a convo among mutual friends once that he can be shy about approaching a female although he isn’t in any other area, from what I could see at least:)
A relationship never developed between him and the girl but he did eventually go on to marry. But it was an eye opener for me I’m thinking it was all the guy but I was basically ignoring him although he didn’t approach me strongly at first my brushing off his attempt didn’t help and I would have responded differently had I known then what I do now.
you know, eameyer, there was a time where I would’ve actually agreed with your points. But as it stands, I’m just going to share my experience with all three of your main suggestions:
I’ve been affirming, supportive to my guy friends. I dress appropriately for social occasions,and as far as being approachable goes, I have made an honest attempt to be myself, have fun, and open.
But I’m single. Still…and while I fully recognize that my singleness is not a statement of something being wrong with me, I also recognize that I do have a desire for marriage. I’m approaching my 30th birthday this year, as my friends left and right get engaged. I am doing my best to enjoy this time in my life and fight the loneliness that comes and goes, but right now reading these comments is like reading another reason why I should just go ahead and walk away from this site altogether.
I am tired. I’m tired of being the “great sister” that my male friends talk about so much but are so apt to confide in and ask advice for when their relationships with spiritually immature/non Christian women aren’t working out. With advice like this, This is what it sounds like Christian guys want: a mixture of Martha Stewart/Mary Poppins/Victoria Secret model/Christian Stepford wife who never disagrees, never says how she feels, dresses to please her man, and builds her entire existence around him even if that means presenting the man with a false image, and not who she is(flaws and all)
I can’t be that woman. It’s not about having the last word, or even being excused to be haphazard in my clothing choices, or even not making any attempt not to engage in insulting/male bashing behavior. It’s just coming to understand that I’m me, and that changing to get a relationship, to be accepted is too high a price for my self-esteem and my dignity. I’ve experienced enough rejections and male indifference to believe that there’s not point in trying anymore. Is that selfish? Probably. But I know where I am, and I know that at this moment the only one I would truly change for is Jesus.
Lady Elaine, you aren’t being asked to change yourself. Mrs. M’s post is only suggesting that you change how you interact with people. Of course no one except Jesus Christ should have the power to truly, truly change you. What Mrs. M is quoting pertains more to the fact that every activity on earth has its own non-verbal language, and you need to speak the right dialect for what you are doing: job interview, baby sitting, whatever.
When you get up in the morning you change your clothes, but you aren’t changing yourself. I work in service, and I am obliged to talk to my guests and smile more than I normally would, but I’m not becoming a different person by keeping my job. I’m just making a point of doing a few specific things that are out of my usual behavior pattern. It doesn’t hurt me, it certainly doesn’t change me (my co-workers will swear to it), it only makes me warmer and more approachable.
We are people, not ipods, there is enough complexity in us to give us different sides without effecting the slightest internal change (until chemistry with other people starts kicking in, but I have no wish to go into that just now).
1. You want your husband to be, you need him, he’s already special to you, so it can’t be too hard to show that.
2. Well, I’ve seen your picture, you’re very pretty and you already care about your appearance. You don’t seem to be the sort of person who takes pride in NOT caring about her appearance.
3. No change is required, unless you count a few extra smiles and an interest in the person you’re talking to.
Please don’t try to be the perfect stepford wife that every man wants, the world and this site would be so much the lesser for it. Besides, those women are insufferable. Don’t hide your flaws because everyone, men and women alike, are put off by the accompanying artificiality. This aspect of approachability opens who you are to the people you interact with, flaws and all. It’s a very vulnerable state to be in, but you are like a brick wall until you put yourself there, prone to graffiti art and lonely souls who are only interested in shoulders to cry on.
Also, slap those “great brothers” of yours upside the head; they appear to need it.
I’m usually the MW Lodge resident critic … but I actually really liked this article. Especially the part “when you find a godly woman who “gets” you, marry that woman.”
I’m going to jump back to the earlier conversation about men who have been hurt by ungodly women. (I would also note that Christian women do this as well.)
AndreaElena asked: “So… for us women who want to “do good to him all his days,” and not harm or maim a man in any way… how do we specifically build up our brothers in Christ so that we aid in their believing again that they can love a good woman?”
I would say that if a man has been harmed in the past by a woman, and he’s struggling with disillusionment, cynicism, or even bitterness, probably one issues was that the woman was selfish. God created men to please their women by doing things for them (gifts, flowers, sweet things, etc.) and investing in them, and a woman can easily take advantage of it and use the men for their own self-interest.
So if a godly woman wanted to help restore a man’s faith in women, I think it would be helpful if the man knew that there were Christian women out there who cared about others selflessly, and appreciated him regardless of whether or not it would lead to a relationship.
To Psalm67~”God created men to please their women by doing things for them (gifts, flowers, sweet things, etc.) and investing in them, and a woman can easily take advantage of it and use the men for their own self-interest.”
I quite agree with this and have seen it many times in all sorts of women.
I will share that my husband and I have gone through a tough year. We have been married for nearly 33 years.
He lost a well paying job of twenty-years. He was unable to find a permanent position in his field until God opened some surprising doors.
Much of a man’s identity is tied to how he is able to provide for his family.
I know firsthand how much a man loves to please his wife. And though my husband was more than a bit frustrated at our situation, the thing that bothered him most was that the beautiful home he has provided and the life that we were used to living were gone. However, with everything we’ve been going through, it was a release for him when I told him that if we had to lose these things, so be it. On the other hand, I have seen other marriages get destroyed because the woman was never satisfied with what the man had to offer.
A woman can make or break a man over little material things.
I confess I have a serious aversion to the “looks” discussions I have seen on here of late. I understand that men respond primarily to visual stimulus. That’s not what I’m arguing against. I’m saying that when we get to the point where men are overlooking women because their buddies would pity and not envy them – based on the woman’s looks alone! – then we have taken a wrong turn. The world’s concept of beauty changes like the tides (Renaissance, anyone?), which is why we, as Christians, are instructed – even commanded! – to be better than that.
The famous ideal woman described in Proverbs 31 “gets up while it is still dark” not to curl her hair and put on make-up, but to provide food for her family! Her husband praises her by saying, “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” (He does not say, “May women are beautiful, but you surpass them all.”) It says that “her works” should bring her praise at the city gate, not her beauty! “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised!”
Do you want to be the envy of the men around you because you got “a hottie” or because you got a faithful, supportive spouse who “does not eat the bread of idleness”, who “speaks with wisdom”, who is “clothed with strength and dignity” and who “brings [you] good, not harm, all the days of her life”?
SlimKatie,
I agree with you in part. Your quotes from Proverbs 31 are spot on. Men should be looking for noble character, work ethic, and love of the Lord above all else…
However, I also think that it’s easy to paint men with too broad a brush. You read “looks matter to men” and assume that that statement is always talking about the same type of woman – makeup, nice clothes, slim figure, ditzy personality, etc. But that’s not the case. Some men (like me) don’t like makeup. Many men are not attracted to “slim”; lots of guys like women that are proportional to how they themselves are built…
That said, looks do matter to men… your husband will find you physically appealing. He will probably find you VERY physically appealing. It’s how men are wired. If men were not physically attracted to women to an extreme degree, most marriages would not happen.
So instead of reading “looks matter to men” and feel like that is a mandate to change, I would challenge the thinking this way: Disregard all men that do not like your natural body type. There is no force on earth that can change these guys and make them sudden way into you for all your spiritual qualities. Instead, acknowledge that looks DO matter to men and find men that LIKE the way you look. There are plenty of them out there.
Hopefully that helps.
jjwsfrog,
I know you were directing your comment toward SlimKatie, but I so appreciate what you said here:
“Disregard all men that do not like your natural body type. … Acknowledge that looks DO matter to men and find men that LIKE the way you look. There are plenty of them out there.”
I need to have faith that the man who sees me as his likely future Mrs. Fantastic will be one whom I am as equally attracted to as he is to me and that I will want to say yes to him so that he becomes my Mr. Fabulous.
Regarding “He wants his friends to think he “did well” not to pity him.” I haven’t found this to be the case. I’ve never heard any man express pity or even teasing about a girlfriend or wife’s appearance.
Men do care about physical appearance, but it’s because they want to be attracted to their spouse. I don’t think guys in general care about what other guys think as long as they’re attracted to their spouse (cf. Shallow Hal).
Guys, back me up on this one! Or feel free to hang me out to dry if you disagree.
I suppose then, jjwsfrog, it is a moot point. It is useless to say that “men care about looks” if there is no standard “look” by which to judge. If you want to define it as “physical attraction”, then I suppose women care about looks, too.
Mentors: I have found the book “POINT MAN” an IDEAL gift to young men who become interested in your daughters etc.
A successful idea we have used is to create a “we care package” of books to send to the guy. It’s a great way to get discussions started. It helps build a common frame of reference from which to talk about things. If the relationship doesn’t move forward for your son/daughter then at least you have built into the life of someones future spouse.
One young man received a book from us and used it for his first meeting with a young lady. It was the same book given to her by a friend a week earlier. Needless to say both were on the same page…and the marriage took place a year later. Aug 2008. They met thru an online connection site.
While it wasn’t my daughter walking down the isle that day. She was rejected on “physical attraction” it was wonderful to have been a part of helping another couple.
Better yet, just buy a slew of these and start giving them out!
Mrs. M
Psalm67 – I do agree with what you said and I want to back you up on that. In my experience, most guys don’t care what other guys think when it comes to thier opinion of who one is attracted to (say your spouse in this case) as long as HE finds her attractive. Thats what matters in that department.
jjwsfrog – considering what I just said, yes I agree, all guys are different so what we find attractive varies all over the place so I know that I can’t say there is one standard for beauty. Many men might agree that a particular women may be “hott” or “beautiful,” but even then we’ll disgree on others as much as agree on some, so to say there is a standard wouldn’t make any sense in my mind. Just adding my two cents there.
Gauranteed though, there is a guy that will find any particular women’s body type/hair/skin color/etc. attractive to them.
Having said that, guys who are doing their best to follow Christ should have their priorities straight and should be shooting for that Proverbs 31 type of women. In the end the looks will fade so all you have are the spiritual and relational qualities of your spouse (and yourself).
It is always an interesting debate/discussion/battle when considering how men are wired because we are wired in such a way to notice a woman’s physical beauty and thats great, its by design, but we all know it shouldn’t be the driving factor.
I just want to say that I appreciate this article. For both men and women I think that having mentors, or role-models is essential.
Some men and women grew up with great examples of Biblical gender roles, relationships, and marriages. Others did not. I myself come from a non-Christian home and had to intentionally seek out Christian couples. Just spending time around healthy marriages and families has taught me a lot, not to mention all the long conversations and time spent in Scripture and in prayer.
My point is that there is hope, even for someone raised in the most broken situation. A heart that seeks the Lord will not be disappointed. A book can be helpful, but what God prescribes in all things is godly fellowship, prayer, and His word and the work of His Spirit.
I have to agree about people having different preferences in looks. As a gal, I know it’s true for my gender. More than once, my friends have all been swooning over the same guy and for the life of me, I can’t see the attraction. I also find that someone I’m not initially drawn to in looks often becomes more attractive as I get to know him.
The MAIN thing I want to share though… Marc Driscoll has a sermon (I think it’s in his marriage series) in which he talks about how, once you’re married, your spouse becomes your “standard of beauty”. Before marriage, you might have liked short and thin. But if you marry a tall and wide, you now like tall and wide. This is an especially good guideline considering that the looks of whoever you marry are pretty much guaranteed to change. How much happier you’ll both be if you keep changing your “standard” (or preference) to be exactly what your spouse is.
I have met many nice Christian guys. A lot of them are passive. They just talk a lot of nothing. No seriously thinking of the women he speaking to. Its like he treats you like a co=worker or his buddy’s. To much TV advise and secular world advice on how to meet a women. Its never from God’s point of view. The last Christian man I met was 60 yrs. He told me he didn’t want to be the leader in his next marriage. How sad is that.
Ladies we must marry godly men who will take the Lead in the marriage.
Psalm87 — I agree, but that’s mostly because I’m a loner.