Marrying Too Soon?
After years of watching the average age of marriage go up, we are now seeing prominent stories emerge making the case for early marriage (see the Christianity Today cover story on that topic here). David Lapp of the Institute for American Values hit the issue again in the Wall Street Journal recently. Dr. Al Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Seminary, follows Lapp’s piece with a thoughtful blog post of his own.
The conversation that these articles are starting can be frustrating for people who no longer have the opportunity to marry early, but they are proving to be a helpful challenge to the conventional wisdom of the past couple of decades that may have unfairly stigmatized early marriages.
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I think this article holds a lot of truth. Thanks for sharing this. BTW…where are the guys that agree with this? Some of us girls here at Marry Well want to marry you! Lol!!
Early marriages are great if you have that opportunity, and being sure you avoid the pitfalls addressed in CT that have produced a higher divorce rate.
A friend once asked me, “Wouldn’t you like to be married?” My response — “It depends … married to whom?” I’m not so concerned with the timing of getting married. WHO you marry is much more important than WHEN you marry.
I agree with Psalm67. My parents got married straight out of highschool, but they already knew where they both stood on issues like divorce, children, death, how they expected to support each other, and hey, they’re still in good shape. Young marriage should not be the big taboo that it is, but it is important, no matter what age you have, to know what you’re getting into and why. My best friend married a man because she was desperate to leave her parents’ house and he was the first person to show an interest in marrying her. They didn’t know anything about each other except that they were in similar situations that they both wanted to escape. They didn’t know each other’s strengths or weaknesses, they just felt like getting married so they did it. Turns out neither one of them had the disposition to keep working at the marriage when they began to get frustrated.
Very well written, informative and inspiring article. I must say that I agree with the sentiment whole-heartedly. I also agree with Psalm67 and Lira that who you marry is extremely important. Having said that, I think the authors would agree too. Their stance though is how our culture has shaped our views of marriage (even believers) and I happen to agree. The fight for abstinence, financial independence, freedom, career goals, etc, all add to this miss-shapen approach or view of marriage in western culture and that is what needs to change. Like Lira said, marrying young shouldn’t be taboo.
I can say that it is true enough (even at its most benign) because my church here in DC is a wonderful place and the vast majority of our congregation is single 20-30yr olds, which is prime marriage age range according to this article. But hey, we are in DC; where things happen, the world happens, careers to build, school to finish, dreams to chase, lives to change, things to do, places to go, people to see. In my humble opinion those are all great things, but yes the marriage message gets kinda jumbled in the wake of that. Lord knows I’m not immune to this, seeing that marriage didn’t happen in school, so like others I fall into the prime demographic described and yet single. We don’t have it so we focus on what we can do or what we feel called to do – aka serve, finish school, build a career, etc etc.
This is a very thought-provoking topic. Good discussion choice. I hope others wil feel free to add their two cents too.
This is indeed an important topic. While I would advise other people to get married young, I find myself having missed that opportunity. Therefore, I am very impressed that this short article does address the frustration and pain of those of us whose reality does not match the ideal. For example, I listen to Al Mohler’s radio show via podcast every day, but I sometimes cringe and postpone listening to it when he brings up the issue of marriage (which he does often). It is even more difficult, humanly speaking, in a country like mine with relatively few true born-again believers (Americans, consider yourselves blessed). However, God still is sovereign, and all of those reading this article are actually doing something about this too, thanks to MarryWell. There is still hope!
As a young man myself, I am right along with this. I would delight in sharing such a gift with a godly woman. We can grow together surely – and satisfy and save ourselves from the ever-so-present (at least for myself as a man) desire for sexual intimacy which at times can become a threat. Most of the time actually. God is helping me learn self control in this season. I am a virgin by His protective hand (I would have fallen into my own ways many years ago had He not delivered me up from it).
Go Benjamites at Shiloh! Haha.
(slaps forehead)….here we go again….
I’m sorry, but why can’t we just respect each other’s choices without trying to turn into some trendy mandate?
Some people can (and should) marry early. Some should not, and then there are those who shouldn’t marry at all. Motives are everything, and it matters much more WHY you’re marrying and WHO you’re marrying(high five to Psalms 67).
We shouldn’t have this nostalgic idealization of the past. Early marriages, like many other healthy marriages, survive in strong community and the unwavering personal commitment of each person entering the marriage covenant. This is true whether your marry at 21 or 41. If you’ve gotten married early, great! But that doesn’t mean that EVERYONE should get married straight out of high school. Unless you can show compelling evidence that teens/young adults are being adequately reared to be emotionally, financially, and spiritually ready for the responsibilities of the marriage covenant, this is just a classic example of turning something that should be exercised with liberty and grace and making it a mandate.
LadyElaine80, I think these articles are intended as an insight into other perspectives and choices. Many people make their choices because they’re herded into them. People at 21 who *are* in a good position and of a good personality to marry early are usually discouraged from taking what is a flamingly obvious wise decision because people these days just don’t get married that young anymore. It’s a pretty deeply ingrained preconception that, for some people, needs to be undone. In fact, the article pointed out a lot of preconceived notions that could do with some undoing.
I don’t think the article was trying to create a new mandate as much as it was trying to dislodge the old one.
I thought it made a good point in that the Christian communities are so focused on teaching abstinence that they are neglecting to teach how to be a good spouse. In such environments, marriage is being presented little more than a safe zone for sex, which is just as helpful as tossing petals off a rooftop and screaming “Love conquers all!” As you suggested, young adults should be reared to be emotionally, financially and spiritually ready for the responsibilities of the marriage covenant, and, regrettably, they aren’t.
Lira said this:
“The Christian communities are so focused on teaching abstinence that they are neglecting to teach how to be a good spouse. In such environments, marriage is being presented little more than a safe zone for sex, which is just as helpful as tossing petals off a rooftop and screaming “Love conquers all!” As you suggested, young adults should be reared to be emotionally, financially and spiritually ready for the responsibilities of the marriage covenant, and, regrettably, they aren’t.”
And Andrea-Elena is SOCWAWACL – standing on chair waving arms wildly and clapping loudly (alternately, of course).
re: Lira, AndreaElena-
I agree: Young adults should be reared emotionally, financially, and spiritually ready for the responsibilities of the marriage covenant. But this is where I get down to the nuts and bots of it all: Where is the real community, mentoring, and discipleship going on in churches? I strongly feel that young adults were experiencing real community, mentoring, and the development of godly character, you would see marriages—but you would also see a Church united by Christ, married and single alike.
It’s not an idealization of the past to say that people of the past generally were more socially connected — probably as a matter of lack of alternatives. When there is no TV, no radio, no internet, and no movie theatre, you have no choice but to be connected to those around you, especially those that you worship with. That connectedness naturally led to discipleship, mentoring, and so forth, though those terms were not used as such. So to state “marry young” without the supporting social structure I think is a mistake; but if you wait too long to marry, you miss out on a lot of its enjoyment.
maybe it’s me, but it sounds like there are two issues at play here:
1) the responsibility of parents to raise their children to be ready spiritually, emotionally, and financially mature for adulthood and marriage
2) the ability of the church to make an effort in living out genuine, safe, authentic community across all demographic lines.
Granted, there are factors at play that attempt to disrupt those things; but I firmly believe if there is a consistent effort in these two areas, not only would you see more early marriages, but you’d see more discipleship, mentoring, and real community.